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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to another playdate

70 replies

desperateandsad · 20/02/2020 22:37

Had my dd’s best friend over for a play date, was great. The mum wanted to return the favour so dd went to her friends house for a few hours. Turns out they took dad and friend out in the car, only friend had a car seat. Dd was strapped in to the middle seat with just a belt that went around her waist. The drive was about 15 mins. Dd is only 4. This isn’t acceptable is it.

OP posts:
nomorespaghetti · 20/02/2020 22:38

Nope, not acceptable

Original poster
desperateandsad · 20/02/2020 22:38

That should of course say they took dd and friend out in the car, not dad and friend.

OP posts:
Amatteroftime · 20/02/2020 22:39

No it isn't and I'd call her out on it asking why she opted to make that decision

Crafty11 · 20/02/2020 22:39

God no not acceptable. I'd be furious

Isadora2007 · 20/02/2020 22:39

It’s done now so you would be unreasonable to not just say you have a spare car seat they can borrow next time as you didn’t know they were going out. It’s annoying and not okay they did it, but it’s pointless letting it affect what happens next when there is a solution.

Darbs76 · 20/02/2020 22:40

No I’d never put another child at risk like that

Drum2018 · 20/02/2020 22:42

How well they had their own child in the car seat. It's not acceptable. Did you say anything to the parents?

Original poster
desperateandsad · 20/02/2020 22:42

I’m not a confrontational person, it’s the general lack of care for safety that bothers me. If they did that, how much would they be looking after her when crossing roads etc. I won’t let dd go on another play date there, I would never forgive myself if something happened. Her friend is welcome to us though. Maybe a lapse in judgement, I just don’t see how I can overcome it. Glad it isn’t just me thinking this isn’t ok.

OP posts:
HariboBrenshnio · 20/02/2020 22:44

Interesting they didn't put their child in the middle. On the very small journey I've done with more kids than seats (which was a genuine emergency and a very short drive) I put my child in the middle as it was my risk to take, not my friends child. They sat in my child's seat. I hated it though and I wouldn't send my DD again for that reason.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 20/02/2020 22:45

It's not just unacceptable, it is illegal.

Mycatwontstopstaring · 20/02/2020 22:46

If you take your child to someone’s house for a play date I don’t think they should take them off somewhere else without asking you, that alone means you can’t trust them. But to put their child in a car seat and not yours is really not ok.

If this is the best friend at some point the mum is going to invite dd again... And again... So maybe think up your polite refusal now.

Isadora2007 · 20/02/2020 22:46

Why are you even asking then if you’ve made up your mind? It’s quite a leap to suggest a 15 minute car journey means they won’t be safety aware at all and your daughter will come to some harm. It’s all a bit of an overreaction to be honest. I’d perhaps just say “dd had a good time thank you. I am sorry I didn’t realise you were heading out with her or I’d have left you her car seat.”
Job done.

Isadora2007 · 20/02/2020 22:48

How do you know this happened? Did the mum day or is this according to dd? She may have been on a booster but not realised if she isn’t normally on one? Just a thought as 4 year olds aren’t always reliable witnesses... and is she 4 nearly 5?

jonesss · 20/02/2020 22:50

We have spare seats for transporting DDs friends but I'd still always ask they were happy with the set up before driving with them. Also as pp said if a situation arose whereby a child couldn't have a car seat it would be my child that would go without not someone else's.

Isadora2007 · 20/02/2020 22:52

@Rosspoldarkssaddle maybe they’d argue it was an unexpected journey or a short distance as either of these excuses are acceptable in law for a child over 3 using a normal seatbelt with no seat. Quite a loose definition to use I agree- but nonetheless making the journey as described by the OP able to possibly fit those criteria.

Blackandgreenteas · 21/02/2020 11:39

I wouldn’t like it at all.

If I have another child in my car, I always put them in the safest position I’ve got available, on the better car seat etc.

HomeMadeMadness · 21/02/2020 11:42

No and it's odd to put their own child in the car seat and not someone else's. I've driven older kids who are borderline in needing a car seat and if I thought it was OK to go without I put my DC without and theirs in the car seat. If I thought it was safe enough for someone else's child without a car seat then it should be safe for mine. (Obviously at 4 though it's not even borderline I wouldn't take anyone without a car seat).

Stompythedinosaur · 21/02/2020 11:45

I hate confrontation too, but I'd have to raise that with them. Maybe start by saying that your dd has told you they took her out in the car with no seat while their child was in a seat, and can you confirm if that's right? Then if they say it is, you can tell them how shocked and unhappy you are that they have endangered your dc in that way.

If the dc are friends I would probably co sides still having then at your house, but no way would I be letting your dc be in their care again.

Himawarigirl · 21/02/2020 11:54

I’ve realised over the years that people have really different approaches to car seats. We are strict about them but had to let a childminder go who thought that abiding to the law, which allows children in taxis with no safety equipment, was fine and couldn’t understand what our problem with it was. But I wouldn’t jump from that to assuming the family are lax about safety in general, I get the impression from some of my DD’s friends that they see the need for car seats as an inconvenience, especially when it comes to helping their child to get lifts to other places and stuff like that. In my view, if they want to take those risks with their child’s life, that’s their choice. So I wouldn’t see it as a “my child could never spend time with his family again“ situation, but I would ask the mum whether you’re right in understanding that they were in the car. Then say that you’re really uncomfortable not using car seats, so if she thinks they’re going to want to do that again can she let you know and you can make sure she has the appropriate equipment. One of my DD’s friends are way more lax about it then we are but they know we care a lot about it so they always put our daughter into the car seat they have, and their child goes on a booster, and that’s their choice. We’d be happy to get them our car seat if they needed it. Be aware that you may massively disappoint your DD though. When my kids went in the taxi I mentioned with no car seats or boosters they thought it was one of the best things ever and they still talk about it with glee!!

WhiteBadger · 21/02/2020 11:56

How do you know this happened? Did your 4 year old tell you?

Candymay · 21/02/2020 11:59

You’re not unreasonable at all. I’d be extremely upset and definitely wouldn’t allow another play date.

Booboostwo · 21/02/2020 12:04

Not acceptable at all. I've had similar happen with my DD in France where people tend to be a lot more lax about safety.

The first time she was 4yo, I had asked the other mum about car seats and she said she had a spare one...turns out she put DD in it without doing up the seat belt/harness! As bonkers as that sounds I know it is true because I have since seen her to the same with her DCs for years.

The second time, different mum, they didn't even have enough seats in the car but pilled the kids on laps, I saw them coming back as I was waiting to collect DD.

The third family, I left a car seat for DD with specific instructions that she was to use it...they ignored me. Again I saw them returning with 7yo DD in the car and her car seat in the garden where I had left it.

People are arseholes.

DroppedBoxxedRuth · 21/02/2020 12:05

Yanbu

They strapped their DC in safely but not yours. Couldn't trust them after that.

Okbutno · 21/02/2020 12:07

Wow no not ok at all

Frenchw1fe · 21/02/2020 12:10

Years ago I read about a child in a middle, waist seat belt who broke his back and was paralysed in an accident.
Just not worth the risk. And illegal.