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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not agree to another playdate

70 replies

desperateandsad · 20/02/2020 22:37

Had my dd’s best friend over for a play date, was great. The mum wanted to return the favour so dd went to her friends house for a few hours. Turns out they took dad and friend out in the car, only friend had a car seat. Dd was strapped in to the middle seat with just a belt that went around her waist. The drive was about 15 mins. Dd is only 4. This isn’t acceptable is it.

OP posts:

SnoozyLou · 21/02/2020 12:18

I don't like confrontation either but I would say something. If they'd talked to you about it first, you might have been able to organise something, but they took the decision out of your hands and made a very poor choice.

B0bbin · 21/02/2020 12:22

My MIL always says things like, "Oh he can just sit on your lap!" about DS who is 3 and this is for non- urgent journeys. I am then put in an awkward position EACH TIME of saying , "Sorry, I'm not comfortable with that." I had started thinking I was being OTT but reassured by reading all this.
Shicking behaviour from this other parent OP. I do think you should say something to her.

MintyMabel · 21/02/2020 12:28

But I wouldn’t jump from that to assuming the family are lax about safety in general

They aren’t. They strapped their own children in to a car seat. Only lax when it comes to other people’s children.

MintyMabel · 21/02/2020 12:29

Sorry, I'm not comfortable with that.

Ridiculous response. The correct response is, no that would be against the law. Nothing awkward about it.

QuillBill · 21/02/2020 12:29

No it's not. My kids grew up somewhere where car seat laws were in no way adhered to and I had to teach my dc to refuse to get in a car without a car seat and to say that they would go in the friend's car seat.

But not at four and you would have no reason to think it was going to happen.

When my dd was nine and someone in her class took the piss out of her for having to use a car seat she said 'it's because my parents love me more than yours love you' which I was only vaguely horrified by.😂

claireyjs · 21/02/2020 12:47

In no way acceptable or legal. What were they thinking of??? YANBU

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/02/2020 12:58

This is definitely not acceptable. In an accident, your dd would probably have slipped down off the seat. For a play date, a mum took dd to an arcade when she was 5, maybe 6. I asked them if they needed a seat for her and they said they did not. I was fuming when I found out. YANBU.

Unsureconfused46 · 21/02/2020 13:00

Yanbu, definitely not. I would never take any of my children's friends without the appropriate seat. Nor would I want my children going in anyone else's car without!!

ilovedjerrymore · 21/02/2020 13:06

If you daughter is correct in what she has told you then you are not being unreasonable at all! I would have had to of said something to the parents! If parents do something like this then it would make me wonder what else they would do that could be dangerous to your child in future.

What was the reason your daughter was in the car where did they go?

74NewStreet · 21/02/2020 13:06

Taking her out at all is quite strange, even if they’d had a spare car seat. Where did they go?? I wouldn’t dream of going gallivanting with a friend’s child when they were assuming the child was in my house.

loutypips · 21/02/2020 13:19

For those saying it's illegal, it's legal for a child over three to use an adult belt for an unexpected but necessary journey, or if they couldn't fit any more seats in the car. See: www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules/when-a-child-can-travel-without-a-car-seat

But, I wouldn't be happy if it was just a trip out. They could've asked to borrow a seat, or not gone. Was it an important trip?

Bobbybobbins · 21/02/2020 13:27

What would really annoy me is that they strapped their own child in and not yours.

Reginabambina · 21/02/2020 13:32

Surely at 4 she doesn’t actually need a car seat though? I appreciate that it is best practice but for a short journey I wouldn’t think it unreasonable not to use one. I do think that the U.K. tends to be a bit OTT about car seats.

mountainreallyhigh · 21/02/2020 13:35

No @Reginabambina people in the U.K. actually want to make sure their children are safe whilst in a moving car. What a stupid comment.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/02/2020 13:37

Its not illegal.
I would point out that had you known you would have supplied a car seat as you dont let DC travel without one.
I wouldnt hold on to the anger though.

DesLynamsMoustache · 21/02/2020 13:38

The UK is lax when it comes to car seats compared to other countries! We are certainly not OTT. Do you have any idea how dangerous it can be for a child that young to be in only a lap belt? Look up submarining - children can be killed at even relatively low speeds when just in a lap belt when they're too small.

YANBU OP. I would be furious. To take risks like that with your own child is bad enough, but someone else's is just appalling.

LannieDuck · 21/02/2020 13:45

Nope, absolutely not. I might let DD go over to their house again, but only if they were staying in. And I wouldn't be shy about saying that she's not to go in their car again.

Ultimately my kids' safety is more important than their hurt feelings.

Fundays12 · 21/02/2020 13:51

Absolutely not acceptable my kids wouldn’t be going to there again.

TheWernethWife · 21/02/2020 13:52

Not confrontational - even when your DD has been put in danger, how ridiculous.

Reginabambina · 21/02/2020 14:04

@mountainreallyhigh why don’t they refuse to let their child in a car at all then? A car seat isn’t going to ensure that a child is safe, it’s only one of several factors that contribute to safety. Ultimately it’s impossible to make car travel 100% safe I think it is a bit irrational to get this worked up over car seats while allowing unsafe cars on the road or not maintaining roads properly. As I said, I get that it’s useful to keeping children safe but it’s not the most important thing.

Straycatstrut · 21/02/2020 14:04

No booster seat or anything?

My 7.5 year old is only now legally JUST the right weight/height for a booster seat and an adult belt across chest and middle. I'm still not happy about this (don't drive it's GP's car) and am saving for a good head protected booster, especially before we do a big drive this summer.

They really risked her safety for what looks like no good reason.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/02/2020 14:05

If you dont have a car and you order a taxi somewhere, do people carry own and carry around a car seat for their 4 year old? (actually interested)

PrincessHoneysuckle · 21/02/2020 14:06

That happened to my ds, I did a thread about it.He'll never go in their car again.

Straycatstrut · 21/02/2020 14:13

If you dont have a car and you order a taxi somewhere, do people carry own and carry around a car seat for their 4 year old? (actually interested)

I've never called a taxi when I had my boys with me. I'd always wait for a bus or call a family member if I was stranded with them.

I'm sure I've read that 3+ year old children can travel in taxis without car seats though, which is insane.

Booboostwo · 21/02/2020 14:15

Reginabambina it almost sounds like you are saying something sensible, yet you are not. The OP cannot control the state of repair of the roads or whether other people drive unsafe cars so it is rational for her to impose the safety measures she can control, i.e. the car seats. Also, the UK if anything is behind car seat safety compared to Scandinavic countries and even Germany. The fact that other countries are even further behind the UK is neither here not there.

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