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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not agree to another playdate

70 replies

desperateandsad · 20/02/2020 22:37

Had my dd’s best friend over for a play date, was great. The mum wanted to return the favour so dd went to her friends house for a few hours. Turns out they took dad and friend out in the car, only friend had a car seat. Dd was strapped in to the middle seat with just a belt that went around her waist. The drive was about 15 mins. Dd is only 4. This isn’t acceptable is it.

OP posts:

Dieu · 21/02/2020 14:21

Don't take it out on the kids, fgs. Just say that you'd like them to use a car seat next time. Or offer yours to borrow.

OvertiredandConfused · 21/02/2020 14:24

Bear in mind that, if youR DC are at the same school, they could be friends for a very, very long time (or it could blow over in a couple of weeks). Personally, I’d have a conversation with them and say that you know it can sometimes be awkward but you are not happy with your DD going in the car without an appropriate car seat, or going out somewhere without you being aware in advance. Tell them that you are happy to drop a car seat with your DD or, if that doesn’t work for them, for her to only go for play dates when they will be staying in the house.

So, YANBU to take steps to make sure that DD is not transported without a car seat but YABU to leap straight to banning future play dates without looking for an alternative solution

Reginabambina · 21/02/2020 14:32

@Booboostwo well she could just as easily object if the play date person put the kids in a corsa or drove on an unfit road surely? I’ve objected to certain people driving my children/driving my children in certain cars or on certain routes. A car seat only makes a limited difference in the event of an accident, but obviously the biggest danger is the risk of having an accident in the first place. If parents are truly cautious and are also concerned with car seats fair enough. But when you see people pootling down an overcrowded motorway in a tin can of a car with children in car seats you wonder what they think the car seats will actually achieve. A lot of people seem to think that car seats have some kind of magical properties which they simply don’t. If you’re sensible you are very unlikely to need a car seat, if you aren’t a car seat will only be of use to you if you’re lucky.

Spied · 21/02/2020 14:33

I'd not be happy they took DD out anywhere without letting me know first.
You dropped her at the house for a playdate so that's where they should have stayed. If they thought it might be nice to go somewhere (even 10 mins in car) they should have asked you beforehand or even called you.
I'd not feel comfortable dropping her for a playdate after this as I'd be by worrying where she was and if she'd been in the car.
Unless you say something then you'll be anxious and worried if she goes again.
However be prepared for the family to take offense ( in which case you certainly won't have to worry about them inviting her again)

Bawbags · 21/02/2020 14:45

Completely unacceptable. IF and it's a huge IF, I ever did that, the guest would be in the car seat and mine would be without. I mean, I still wouldn't do it but it's appalling to put someone else's child at risk like that over your own.

I was furious one day when DD was returned from a sleepover at around age 8 or 9 and had been put in the back of the dad's builder's van full of tools. No child seats, no seatbelts, fuck, there were no seats at all! One small crash could have had the children under piles of sharp, heavy tools.

stophuggingme · 21/02/2020 14:51

That is not appropriate at all.
The fact that they clearly and rightly bother with their own child but then do that to yours is shocking. They should have called you.

If I had left my four year child at someone’s house for a play date then I would not expect them to take them out in the car unless there was an emergency or car seats and transport had been discussed and agreed / left for their use.

SallySun123 · 21/02/2020 15:26

You’ll never feel at ease with her going there again so decline all invitations and only invite the friend to your house. I’d be furious.

Jux · 21/02/2020 15:26

I thought the law allowed for occasional trips without a seat?

What would you do if you found yourself stranded and an childless friend offered you a lift, but being childless had no car seat?

I'd be OK with my child going on an unplanned short trip with a friend's family without a seat. If it turned out to be a planned regular thing then I'd send my car seat along with my child, but that's not how it is now.

Booboostwo · 21/02/2020 20:09

Reginabambina so what is your point? The OP never said that the only thing she objects to is no car seat. I object to no car seats AND to drink drivers AND to driving over the speed limit AND quite a few other things.

chloechloe · 21/02/2020 20:24

It’s really out of order to take a friend’s child in a car full stop without checking with the parents first, let alone without a car seat!

My MIL and SIL put my 3yo in the car once without a car seat when they were supposed to be taking her to the park across the road. I hit the roof!

I find the whole issue of play dates really quite difficult as you can never be sure what some parents think of as ok.

Mulledwineinajug · 21/02/2020 20:31

reginabambina there is no four year old that doesn’t need a car seat! The height to go without one is 135cm I think! My eight year old still needs one.

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 21/02/2020 20:34

I agree with above posters, I would be annoyed with someone taking my child out in their car without my permission even if they did have a child seat!

EverythingChanges321 · 23/02/2020 09:23

Stop being a wuss about being afraid to confront the other parent. You don’t have to go all Eastenders and have a slapping match in the street.

Your child is 4 and frustrating things like this will continue to happen as she gets older. You need to learn how to be comfortably assertive on behalf of your child (or children). There will be times when you need to raise an issue at school or in a club and if you continue to side step the issue, you’ll just be letting your daughter down.

You do need to learn how to broach a difficult subject calmly and get your point across assertively. It just takes practice so expect it to be hard the first few times but you will get better at it.

You are her protector!

OneStepSideways · 23/02/2020 09:38

It’s illegal but lots of people do it so I guess friend thought it wasn’t a big deal. Talk to her about it?

In taxis kids don’t have car-seats, you just use the lap belt (the shoulder belt is too risky as could choke them in a crash).

Maybe next time offer to lend her your car-seat or discuss procedures for taking them out? Maybe her DD is possessive over her car seat or the straps are fiddly to adjust?

4 is very young for a play date on her own!

Bawbags · 23/02/2020 13:25

Just yesterday I watched my neighbour's son drive up to the house with his young toddler on his lap with the seat belt around the pair of them.

Some people are thick as fuck with arrogant attitudes of "it won't happen to me, I'm a good driver!" So you are quite right to be picky allowing people of questionable common sense to look after your child.

ScarlettBlaize · 23/02/2020 13:38

When my dd was nine and someone in her class took the piss out of her for having to use a car seat she said 'it's because my parents love me more than yours love you' which I was only vaguely horrified by.

My 9 year old is tall enough not to need a car seat. It doesn't mean we love her any less

@Reginabambina
You are talking not just nonsense but actively dangerous nonsense.

Reginabambina · 23/02/2020 14:04

@Booboostwo the point is that Brits are OTT about car seats. They’re the last line of defence and they really should sort out their roads and ban dangerous cars (or at least not allow them on motorways) and so on before making laws about cars seats or vilifying people for not using one once. The OP is acting as if they drove her child down the A1 in rush hour during a thunderstorm in a ten year old Corsa without a car seat. It was a massive overreaction on her part. It’s perfectly normal to want your child to use a car seat but very OTT to act as if someone has put her life in danger for not using it once on a short journey. A simple I’d prefer it if you didn’t drive her without a car seat, let me know if you want me to provide one would suffice as many pps have pointed out. There’s not reason to overreact.

Booboostwo · 23/02/2020 14:18

Rginabambina complete rubbish from beginning to end. The host family put their kids in car seats and left OP’s child without, so clearly there is good reason for the OP to be annoyed. As for car seats being “the last line of defense” you are just making things up. If anything car seats are more important in cars with fewer safety issues and on poor roads. And risk management doesn’t work the completely warped way you are suggesting: you don’t do away with your smoke alarm because your house has a thatched roof which will catch fire really quickly, nor do you do away with seat belts in planes because they won’t save you if the plane falls out of the sky.

Bawbags · 23/02/2020 14:19

Oh I totally agree about how the UK need to be banning dangerous cars unfit for use on roads. If only there were some legal requirement to have your car checked for faults and faults in danger of forming (such as worn but just legal brake pads... we could call these "Advisories!") every single year. Perhaps something that goes into a national database and can only be done with government, ministry of transport approved mechanics and cars that do not pass this "test" don't receive certification of roadworthyness and it is illegal to drive it on the roads. They could call it an MOT test after the Ministry Of Transport who would be in charge of it.

Brits are not OTT on car seat use. We're actually behind many other developed countries. A car seat does not ensure a child survives a crash but improved their chances SIGNIFICANTLY in the even of one.

Clettercletterthatsbetter · 23/02/2020 17:50

Absolutely not ok. I have a 4yo DD and would be annoyed if they someone took her anywhere in the car without checking with me first, even in an appropriate car seat!

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