Ex husband being unreasonable??

[ILikePaperHats]

My ex has had a go at me because I booked train tickets over the Easter holidays to take me and the kids to see their granny (my DM) in Devon and didn't tell him the dates before I booked them. (I told him straight afterwards) Note that I made sure I would be back before the Easter weekend so he gets to spend time with the kids then. Apparently his fiancée can't take that week off work and he is annoyed with me for not checking first. I think he's being really unreasonable as surely I should be allowed to take my own kids to see their granny when I like in the holidays and not have to be dictated by him? We're only going for 5 nights. I'd appreciate if you all could let me know who is being unreasonable here.

HIBU for now complaining when he'd previously said you just needed to tell him not to check with him. But please, please don't start tit for tatting and making points to him via contact arrangements. It's really not in the children's best interests.

If you already told him the dates you wanted in January, didn't hear back from him so went ahead and booked that's sort of fair enough as you couldn't hang around forever waiting for him to reply while train tickets get more expensive.

But seems like the arrangement you have was bound to bring up more issues once he had a new partner, he's not being unreasonable to want to try and work some of his annual leave dates around her availability sometimes.

YABVU, if there is no existing arrangement then I would expect you to discuss plans and not dictate to your ex when he can have his DC.

You sound petty and your ex may decide to be inflexible in the future.

Why is he even expecting his partner to book her annual leave around your children anyway?
If it’s because they want to go away, I can see why he would be disappointed.
If it’s because he wants free child care during the holidays, then tough shit!

I think it’s unreasonable to just book it without checking first, he asked back in January for you to let him know potential dates so he could use his week off for a holiday come on now this is not unreasonable.

The fiancé not being able to get time off and his holiday plans are a red herring here, you agreed to do something then didn’t, your communication is the issue here. To effectively co-parent it needs to be more clear, I also don’t think you should be petty about his honeymoon that’s not going to aid smooth co-parenting is it?

Maybe in future just be clear before booking?

We don't really have a normal agreement. Usually just say we want to take the kids away on a certain date and the other one usually agrees.

I think in that case it’s reasonable for him to have assumed you would do the same again, especially as he had already broached the subject with you. However, there is no need for him to have a go at you.

Maybe now is the time to have a set schedule for holidays as that will make it easier all round.

”Usually just say we want to take the kids away on a certain date and the other one usually agrees.”

This is the issue. You didn’t say ‘Ex I want to take them the first week, does that work for you’ which you state is your usual agreement. You booked it, told him and then get the arse because that week doesn’t suit him.
I think YABU. Why didn’t you do what you normally do and check first?

I do think you should have checked with him first, what if he just booked a holiday and assumed he could take the DC at his convenience? Best to keep good relations and be polite by running things past each other first.

YANBU, especially after the clarification. He's being an arse.

I would have thought it was a piece of piss for the non-resident parent to book a child--free holiday.
You book the holiday,
Announce that you are going,
And go.
Unless he's a teacher?
Has his fiancée actually got the second week free?

Yanbu it works both ways, if there was a specific week he couldn’t have the kids because he wanted to go away with his fiancée he should have said so. Also even if op had told him the dates before booking and he disagreed is it fair that the dates he wants get priority over op who has to sort out all the childcare?

So I take it he now has the kids the second week, when his DP has time off and he has to cater for all of them, instead of a nice child free jolly?

If he has plans, he should’ve told you.

I agree that we both need to be clearer. It is very difficult sometimes a bloody minefield as we have 4:3 contact even in holidays with me being main parent. My ex who is usually very anal organised tends to do a spreadsheet well in advance for the summer holidays to make sure the 4/3 rule is abided by but we didn't do it for Easter, I just told him I was taking kids to Devon and he never said what week I was 'allowed' to go.

I'm with your Ex on the spreadsheet. Ex and I have 50:50 but flexible to help each other out. EVERYTHING is noted on a shared calendar months in advance, otherwise it would be a mess.

YABVU. You should have checked with him before booking.

In light of your update that you have 4:3 contact I'm going to change my "I think YABU" to "YABU."

Don't forget that it's ultimately the RP who gets a shit deal when it comes to contact so if your ex decides to go away on honeymoon (or indeed any other time) without your agreement as RP you have no choice but to suck it up. Even a court order would only stipulate what days the RP has to make the children available for contact, it's unenforceable in terms of making the NRP actually show up.

Tread carefully or you might come off worse.

MyCatHatesEverybody I am not quite sure how it works in the UK but I would imagine that if either parent decides to return the kids the parent left holding them has no choice but to suck it up. What are you going to do, call Social Services so that they keep your kids during the other parent's time? Surely that holds true whether the NRP dumps the kids on the RP or whether it is the other way round (granted the first is more common but there is no reason why the second couldn't also happen). The whole point of having amicable contact arrangements is that you decide them amicably and flexibly.

@Booboostwo whilst it's true that in theory a parent could dump their DCs off with the other parent and run, in the longer term the NRP can reduce contact with their DCs either formally or informally as long as the correct level of child maintenance is paid. I'm just concerned that the OP is starting to go down the non-amicable route which, being the RP she (and the DC) are likely to come off worse from.

I completely agree with you that the OP is in danger of going down a non-amicable Route, especially if she retaliates with respect to her Ex’s honeymoon.

It is possible that the OP is just venting on MN, which everyone needs from time to time, and hopefully she has now seen that this was a miscommunication that she played a part in and can just move on.

More likely EP partner has told him, make sure to tell OP I can’t do the first week and we can go away the second one - and he’s not told OP so he’s totally cocked up, blaming OP

So he's peeved because he and his fiancé can't have a child free week away when you're in Devon with the kids because his fiancé can't get time off.What a bellend.

Surely if he&his fiancée want a child free holiday they could ask you to swap some contact days around another time so they can do so.You sound like a reasonable person so it doesn't sound like that'll be a problem.Does the fiancé have children?

Yabu

Surely if he&his fiancée want a child free holiday they could ask you to swap some contact days around another time so they can do so.

They're on a 4:3 contact pattern so I imagine trying to make up that many days for the sake of "fairness" will be disruptive to the DCs routine. Which is presumably why it's such a big deal to the Ex.

My ex and I are far from am8cable but we set up dates months in advance. He has them eow but we're both teachers with slightly differing term dates so (usually me) looks ahead and sends a suggested schedule for the following 6 months. We go back and forth a bit, sometimes it means a non consecutive weekend for him or a less than 50/50 split of the hols but we factor it in before booking anything. I actually cherish my child free time as it enables me to build a relationship of my own (ex left for ow so no issue there!) OP, I don't think he's being a shit dad by wanting some child free time with his fiancee. It's very easy to paint this as him choosing fiancee over kids but come on, the texts were open to misinterpretation and you got this wrong. It would have taken 5 mins to check before booking. My ex and I are NOT amicable but we are making more effort recently to try and understand the other's position. You are both entitled to separate lives, with some child free time. it's not a crime.