Ex husband being unreasonable??

[ILikePaperHats]

My ex has had a go at me because I booked train tickets over the Easter holidays to take me and the kids to see their granny (my DM) in Devon and didn't tell him the dates before I booked them. (I told him straight afterwards) Note that I made sure I would be back before the Easter weekend so he gets to spend time with the kids then. Apparently his fiancée can't take that week off work and he is annoyed with me for not checking first. I think he's being really unreasonable as surely I should be allowed to take my own kids to see their granny when I like in the holidays and not have to be dictated by him? We're only going for 5 nights. I'd appreciate if you all could let me know who is being unreasonable here.

Does your ex normally take the opportunity to go away with his fiancee whilst you're away with the DCs? Surely if he was a deadbeat type then he'd just book a week away with his DP regardless of contact time because 5 nights would be neither here nor there if he didn't see them regularly. I think YABU.

So he’s pissed off that he’s on his own with his kids for that period of time??

He messaged me in January asking me to confirm the dates that I was going to see my mum with the kids at Easter so he could check with his fiancée first. I did exactly what he asked me to do, and now I'm in the wrong. And also nasty, vindictive and controlling apparently, thank you

^^
Sorry missed this. So you did tell him in advance when you’d be away? Not sure why he has a problem then!

Yes he knew well in advance I was going to take the kids to see their granny at Easter. We just didn't discuss which week out of the 2 it would be. I booked the first week as I thought he might like to spend time with his children over the Easter weekend. His exact words to me in January were 'can you let me know when Devon dates confirmed for Easter so [fiancee] can book holiday'

Why does it matter about his partner? She’s not their mum, she’s not their guardian. Is he annoyed because he has to take care of them?

Have misread this?

He's not angry about his contact time. He's angry because OP is taking the kids away on a week where his DP can't take time off, and therefore he's potentially missing out on a childfree holiday with his DP?

Is that right?

@TossACoinToYourWitcher
Spot on!!

@gindrinker
You've misread this. See post by @TossACoinToYourWitcher

Ok, well in that case you aren't being unreasonable at all. You can't live your life on the basis of what his DP is doing. That's ridiculous!

Omg. What?! I hope you told him tough shit!

So he’s pissed off that he’s on his own with his kids for that period of time??

In mine and DH's case it was so we could have a couples' only break with zero impact on the DCs contact time. Their mum did exactly the same when we took the DCs on family holidays orientated around them. Not everything has an ulterior motive.

I think a lot of you are misreading this

OP's ex is not angry because he WANTs TIME with the kids - he is angry that he cannot use his childfree time to go away with his gf because she can't get that week off

Really not your problem OP - if a childfree holiday was his priority - he could have taken the initiative and sorted out dates with you rather than waiting passively

If he's usually fine about these things then I BET all's not peaceful in paradise. I bet he's been arguing with his Fiance.

Thank you for clarifying @Lunde
Sorry if my first post wasn't clear to everyone

He is being U now I understand it properly.

But I think if he’s anything like my exh you have to be really really clear in advance so he can’t accuse you of stuff / try to move the goalposts at the last minute. “I will take this week you take that week. Tell me by x date if this isn’t ok or I will assume it’s agreed and book things in / make plans”. That’s not to say you can never agree to a change if asked and it suits you, but you need an arrangement set up first, and can say no to a change if it suits you.

It's not your fault that your ex's fiancee couldn't take time off work. What matters here is that your children get a holiday. Your ex would be found unreasonable if this ended up in court, because not only are you facilitating a relationship with their grandmother - you're also giving them a break. If he objects to this because his fiancee can't get time off work, then that, frankly, just smacks of him being bitter that you're all off having fun and he has no one to entertain him (newsflash, children aren't toys!).

Stop worrying about what your ex and his fiancee think. Do what you feel is best for your children... and you. You're so not being unreasonable in this case.

I don't think you gain anything by judging him on how he wants to spend his contact time and holiday time. Maybe he is annoyed he can't get a child free holiday, but what's wrong with that? I have my DCs 50:50 and arrange my holidays around that.

This now seems like a case of poor communication. You jumped the gun a bit by booking before confirming which week, and he didn't communicate sooner which week he wanted. Maybe this loose contact arrangement is problematic because it leads to these kinds of problems. Maybe have something more concrete and arranged well in advance very clearly.

So he’d asked in January if you were taking them away and to tell him the date so his fiancé could book her holiday from work, surely in that case you would email/ ring up and say I was thinking of taking them Monday 1st till sat 6th

YANBU at all, your holidays shouldn’t be dictated by his fiancée.

I think it would have been courteous for you to have gone back to him to say ‘I’m going to book this week’ before you did it, given your current ad-hoc approach to sharing out holidays - I have similar arrangement with my ex and a bit of flexibility around each other’s lives helps us and our child.

That said, his last text on the subject does rather imply ‘just book it and let me know’ so I can see why you didn’t think about it. In future maybe it would be better to plan out how the holidays will be shared in advance, and then you can feel free to do whatever you please in your contact time and he in his - and you’d know that any deviations from the plan would have to be negotiated. The thing about his honeymoon is petty though, I’d steer clear of that kind of thing.

What happens when he does the same in the summer? Book to take them away for a week and then tells you that's that.

I bet you'd react very differently especially if it messes you about with plans you might have when you don't have them.

You've been very selfish and it will only come to bite you when he decides to do the same. Worse if maybe you booked that week knowing it meant he couldn't go away with his partner, which is not a crime in any way.

He asked you to confirm dates and you have posted 2 responses here, first saying you did (back in Jan) and then saying you never told him which week.

So IMO he specifically asked you to confirm which week and you didn’t, and now his fiancé has missed the boat being able to book holiday.

I don’t think it’s any of your concern WHY he wanted to know the dates, so what if he wanted a child free break with his fiancé? Fair play to him for making sure it was at a time when the kids wouldn’t miss out on seeing him!

YABVU.l and pathetic in your response trying to make his honeymoon planning difficult. Does it make any difference if your partner is working that week? No, you are being a dick.

What happens when he does the same in the summer? Book to take them away for a week and then tells you that's that.

What happens is that they agree IN ADVANCE (I.e. now is a good time if not a bit late to divvy up the summer hols) “I’ll take the first three weeks and you the second”. Then each can book holidays as they like, visit grandparents etc and book holiday clubs if wanted or needed. Of course you’re free to offer the other one to take some of your time if you’re working - and it would make sense for them to be with the other parent if possible - but you then have a structure of who is responsible for what time and when you can book your hols

I tend to take the second half of the hols, for instance.

It seems odd to me that it would be easier for his fiancée to take the week of Easter off than the one before that. Maybe he made an assumption she could take whatever time off she liked and only asked her about it once you'd told him the dates?
I don't think you're being in the least bit unreasonable, or nasty, or vindictive, or anything else you've been accused of on here. You were trying to be nice by choosing for the children to be with him over Easter. Unless you know he hates Easter, doesn't celebrate it and doesn't want to spend time with his own family, I don't see how that's objectionable?

Oops, sorry just realised I misunderstood about the fiancée's dates. But still, by the sound of it, your ex was quite casual about his fiancée getting time off - maybe he should have checked with her first and then asked you to take the children to Devon for the other week before sounding off at you for choosing the wrong dates for her?