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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To demand he find a workable solution to his snoring

69 replies

BrightLightsBigCity · 18/02/2020 21:07

Has been going on for years now, and my sleep is totally disrupted, to the point that a large part of the time I'm a zombie all morning, and get dangerously tired in the afternoon. I can't always power through it and often have a nap just before getting kids from school if possible, and at weekends. Am piling on weight.

I've suggested various things and he's actually tried various snoring sprays etc, and found one which lowers the volume, but it's still too loud to sleep through all night. At first he refused to go elsewhere, but now, one or the other of us are on the till up mattress in the tiny space in the spare room come 2am.
Hasn't tried nose clips, and won t go for a sleep study, as he is afraid that if he were on a cpap his job would be affected (would mean his health rating was downgraded and he wouldn't be able to work away, which he enjoys).
We don't have the space for a permanent (comfortable!) bed set up in the spare room, and the sofas are too small to sleep well on.
What now? I'm at the end of my tether this week. I do a little bit of pt work from home, but am so tired atm I feel I wouldn't be able to complete to a decent standard, so that's hard too.

AIBU to demand he try all available options, even if it means he can't do his favourite bits of his job as a consequence? (He'd still have a job, just a more desk based one.)

OP posts:

HairyDogsOfThigh · 18/02/2020 21:14

It sounds like there are a few options he could try before going down the cpap route. If he refuses to try nose clips, mouth guard, possibly losing weight if that's relevant, then I'd be expecting him to sleep in the spare room (and if there's no room for a comfortable bed, then that might make him more inclined to explore other options).
In the meantime, have you tried ear plugs?
The only other thing is that he may need a cpap machine if his sleep is being disturbed, he may be too tired to drive safely for example.

QueenOfOversharing · 18/02/2020 21:27

The cpap machine would probably improve his AVIs, so his job woundn't be affected. Mine went from 50 per hour to 2.

Original poster

BrightLightsBigCity · 18/02/2020 22:18

Thanks for the replies.
He's making a small effort to lose weight, but he did snore at lower weight anyway, so not sure that would make a big difference. I've tried earplugs, which didn't mute it enough, and over ear headphones which were too uncomfortable to sleep in.
AVIs? As far as I understand it, the big issue would be with having to have the equipment with him while away, rather than the effect on his personal health per se. Health and safety I guess.

OP posts:

QueenOfOversharing · 18/02/2020 23:01

Well, if he does a sleep study they work out how many times you stop breathing per hour - then they reassess you after you use the cpap. You just take it with you - they're the size of an alarm clock.

AdoraBell · 18/02/2020 23:11

Definitely tell him to sleep in the spare room, space or not.

I don’t know about the things suggested so can’t suggest what to use.

BIL snores and was offered surgery. He decided that his wife had to put up with the snoring rather than him putting up with recovery from surgery. They now live in different addresses after she decided to divorce him.

Katzia · 18/02/2020 23:18

Has your partner had his blood pressure checked or is he on medication for it? My DH was a terrible snorer but once he had his blood pressure checked and was put on medication he stopped. Unfortunately he has since started again after two years but it could be he needs his medication adjusting, so off to doctor he will go. Luckily we have both got large bedrooms to retire to now so I don't have to suffer. I feel your pain, it used to drive me mad.

TheNemesisOfLame · 18/02/2020 23:18

I travel all over with my CPAP machine. Goes on flights in addition to hand luggage.

It will transform your lives for the better.

SomethingPhishy · 18/02/2020 23:21

My loud snoring DP is sleeping permanently in the spare room. He has been to Drs, they say he needs to lose weight (which he does) & gave him a spray which had little effect. It is his problem therefore he should sleep elsewhere. To be fair to my DP, he has gone in spare room without complaint, he sometimes starts off with me in main bedroom but goes when I ask.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2020 23:22

The spare room won’t fit a bed? Will it fit a single mattress on the floor? Surely! I regularly decamp to the spare room when I can’t sleep, more because of my inability to sleep than the dh impacting on me.

You need to sleep, there’s no two ways about it. He’s being a selfish arse refusing to get it sorted.

Comtesse · 18/02/2020 23:23

My husband was a bit overweight (25.5? bMI) and could be a very heavy snorer but lost a lot of weight and doesn’t snore at all now and what the gp said was asthma disappeared too.

KellyHall · 18/02/2020 23:26

Some people do just snore, there's ni guarantee the surgery would work. Things to try:

Get a sofabed.

Put an air bed on the floor in the lounge or camp bed in the spare room.

Get ear plugs.

You go to bed and get to sleep first, so it at least doesn't stop you from getting to sleep.

PineappleCocktail · 18/02/2020 23:28

The only real solution is separate beds. Is whatever you currently have in the spare room more important than your sleep? Chuck it all in the skip/loft/whatever and get a single bed in there. That's now DHs room.

Littleninja1 · 18/02/2020 23:32

OP has he been to the GP? My husband was the same, so stubborn about it. He finally went to GP and got prescribed a nasal spray for allergies (even though we didn't know he had allergies) and it's made a big difference.

Improving his diet has also helped (less dairy, more fruit and veg). However these are only solutions if he recognises the problem and impact.

Could you sit him down when both calm and explain it from your perspective or is it in one ear and out the other?

StinkyWizleteets · 18/02/2020 23:40

OP I feel your pain. I make my OH sleep downstairs now. He’s due to get a mouth guard from the sleep clinic in a week or two and He’s pinning his hope on that but he only ever breathes thro his nose so I can’t see how a mouth guard will make a massive difference. My OH gets really quite down that we don’t share a bed but combined with night feeding a baby and his snoring I was lucky to get one complete hour of sleep at a time and it was having a really bad effect on my physical health. I know snorers cant generally help it but I don’t think innocent partners should have to suffer because of it. I wish he’d been recommended a cpap

Original poster

BrightLightsBigCity · 19/02/2020 05:20

Ah, thanks for explaining that Queen. He def
does stop breathing - I find myself unconsciously holding my breath myself until he starts again, feels horrid!.

The thing about not having space - in the spare room/study, there is enough room to temporarily put a roll up mattress in the space in the middle, but for a permanent bed we would have to move furniture off the walls, and there's nowhere else to move it to.

He is on meds for high blood pressure, has been for a few years, but gets it checked regularly so I don't think that's an issue.

I've tried going to sleep before him, but anticipate being woken up (which usually happens) so find it hard to drop off!

He hasn't been to the GP about it, because he's in the navy and goes to their doc. I think he's very reluctant to ask about cpap because (he tells me) that would mean he could no longer go to sea.

So I guess it's weight reduction, noseclip (?), and him in the spare room unless he wants to give up going to sea. Glad to hear INBU! I agree stinky , its def having a physical affect on my health too now. Hope the mouthguard works!

OP posts:

trinity0097 · 19/02/2020 05:30

A CPAP will change your life then! It’s the only thing that will work. If he actually uses it then there’s little impact on anything. And you can even get battery packs I think for them if necessary. My ex has one, best nights sleep for me was day 1 of his CPAP

Powerplant · 19/02/2020 06:31

Sounds like sleep apnoea he’s needs cpap. It will make both of your lives so much better. Not sure how it affects being in the navy but is he napping throughout the day because of disturbed sleep? Could this affect his role at sea?

Squirrelpeanutbutter · 19/02/2020 06:32

Separate bedrooms.

olivehater · 19/02/2020 06:37

So move the furniture. Surely getting a full nights sleep takes priority over a bit of furniture. Get a proper bed. Make it’s a permanent feature. If you need furniture space get a bunk bed.

nachthexe · 19/02/2020 06:37

I’ve been using earplugs for a year. They do only work if I go to bed first, but they have totally changed my life. He needs to lose weight and get a sleep study but he won’t, so we are where we are.

Frenchw1fe · 19/02/2020 06:38

My dh used to snore a lot. Now he's lost weight he only really snores if he's had a few drinks.
If your dh stops breathing he really does need to speak to a professional.

theyoungishman · 19/02/2020 07:27

I have exactly the same problem, but now I wear earplugs and it's totally fine.
I used to use the standard foam expandable ones, then last year invested in some moulded silicone ones to fit exactly my ear canal and their perfect- so comfortable I don't even know I'm wearing them and I can't hear a thing 👌👍

ArnoldBee · 19/02/2020 07:33

If he genuinely has sleep apnoea he is putting peoples lives in danger as he could collapse at any time while hes awake. It happened to my dad when he was eating. Ended up off work and unable to drive for 6 months. If he had been driving at the time people could have died. It turned out he was waking 200 times a night and it did truly transform his life.

IndigoSkye · 19/02/2020 07:38

The step before a CPAP machine is a mouth guard. It fits over your teeth and holds you bottom jaw forward at night so your tongue doesn't fall back into your throat. I got one from the dentist and it made a massive difference to me. Took a week or so to get used to but worth a go if your DH doesn't want to go down the CPAP route

userxx · 19/02/2020 07:43

@theyoungishman Where did you buy them from?

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