To demand he find a workable solution to his snoring

[BrightLightsBigCity]

Has been going on for years now, and my sleep is totally disrupted, to the point that a large part of the time I'm a zombie all morning, and get dangerously tired in the afternoon. I can't always power through it and often have a nap just before getting kids from school if possible, and at weekends. Am piling on weight.

I've suggested various things and he's actually tried various snoring sprays etc, and found one which lowers the volume, but it's still too loud to sleep through all night. At first he refused to go elsewhere, but now, one or the other of us are on the till up mattress in the tiny space in the spare room come 2am.
Hasn't tried nose clips, and won t go for a sleep study, as he is afraid that if he were on a cpap his job would be affected (would mean his health rating was downgraded and he wouldn't be able to work away, which he enjoys).
We don't have the space for a permanent (comfortable!) bed set up in the spare room, and the sofas are too small to sleep well on.
What now? I'm at the end of my tether this week. I do a little bit of pt work from home, but am so tired atm I feel I wouldn't be able to complete to a decent standard, so that's hard too.

AIBU to demand he try all available options, even if it means he can't do his favourite bits of his job as a consequence? (He'd still have a job, just a more desk based one.)

I agree that you need to do whatever it takes to be able to sleep separately. When DH moved in with me n my 2 boys we had to put the boys in a room together so DH and I could sleep apart because of his snoring. At the time, 17 years ago, there was a massive fuss and my mum thought it was the end of the world for the boys not to have their own rooms and also a terrible indictment of our marriage and relationship it all turned out fine, kids got over it and enjoyed sharing in the end and have turned into fully functioning adults, well occasionally anyway. I've now slept well for 17 years too!

If he's stopping breathing he likely had apnoea. My Partner was just diagnosed and it should be treated because it has further health implications other than the general tiredness it causes, include a stroke.

He should see a Dr.

My friend had his septum straightened and his tonsils out and it completely fixed this. Get him to a specialist to assess him for surgical options at the very least!
Also, your sleep is far more important than having a home office. We don't have one - no room. Files are in a small cabinet in a closet, when we need to work from home we use the table or laptops & sofa. Or a local library or cafe. If you must have one get one of those bed-on-top, desk-below setups.

My DH snores but following a sleep study he now has a mouthguard that works by stopping his lower jaw slipping. Finally he doesn’t snore anymore and we both sleep.

The solution depends on the problem so your DH has to get the tests needed. It doesn’t always lead to CPAP.

I am a terrible snorer, but my oh and I have slept separately for years, so that is not the problem, but I was concerned that I had sleep apnea too. You can do a sleep test at home - have a look online, there are companies that have the equipment. I did this, and I DO have sleep apnea, but only if I sleep on my back (it is a mild form, but still there). You get a comprehensive report, which was very illuminating. I now have a device that vibrates if I sleep on my back, so makes me move back to a better position. I feel so much better. I didn't realise how tired I actually was. Sleep apnea also puts a terrible strain on the heart and increases blood pressure. Not everyone needs a cpap machine, and even if you do, some of the designs are a lot better these days - it doesn't have to look like the creature out of alien!

Those earplugs sound great, but I'm concerned about not being able to hear my alarm to get dc up for school, if they cut out noise that well!

You could try wireless earphones with white noise or other sounds on them. If you get this through an app on your phone you can also set an alarm so the alarm will sound and the white noise will turn off when it is time to get up.

Ban him to the spare room or sofa.
I'm sure he'll find the motivation to find a better solution.

Is he certain it would stop him going to sea? These Reddit commenters seem to think CPAP machines are not incompatible with the navy (although at least one of them is US) www.reddit.com/r/navy/comments/52z8cs/sleep_study_and_obstructive_sleep_apnea/

Haha, he doesn't keep the rest of the ship awake, he has his own cabin. Afaik this hasn't been in close proximity to many others, and would they really complain?
I'll check out that link @LauraMipsum, thx. Although the US military does tend to do a lot of things differently, and I'm going on what he's telling me, which you'd think would be right. Unless her just not wanting to go down that route himself anyway. No, he hasn't seen a Dr.

So he's an officer not a rating?

And hell yes, they'd complain. My DH used to be in a 39 man mess - someone snoring like that would have been dragged from their bunk every night. 6hr watches would be awful if no-one else could sleep.

The risk of sleep apnoea is not just the risk of stopping breathing, brain damage, heart attack, wife clonking him on the head with something to shut him up... its also micro sleeps during the day - at the wheel of a car could be fatal to others as well. If he's doing safety critical work on the ship, it could be bloody lethal there too.

Aside from him being a selfish prick at home, he's potentially a danger to others as well.

I've found the RN guidance on use of CPAP:

www.royalnavy.mod.uk › ...PDF
Web results
Chapter 8 - Specific Medical Conditions and Considerations - Royal Navy

So he's an officer not a rating?

And the cabin tends to be tucked away somewhere, certainly not in a 39 man mess. You think ratings are going to seriously complain in that case?

Thx @CornishPorsche, isn't clear to me from that whether he's still be able to go to sea or whether it would be medical downgrading which ruled that out?

Yes of course ratings would complain about each other - my DH is 40, and would go batshit about being kept awake by someone like that if they could be heard.

If your DH could be heard by someone in the next cabin, I would expect them to complain also.

Is he overweight?

From BRd1750a:

813. Obesity a. Weight and BMI limits for entry are laid down in JSP 950 Part 6 Chapter 7. Thereafter the management of obese personnel should be in accordance with 2009DIN01-181: The Armed Forces Weight Management Policy (and its successors). This requires that service personnel have their BMI and waist circumference measured annually, usually linked to their RNFT and that they are then categorised against their future cardiovascular and health risks using the risk figure in the DIN. The RN currently only measures RNFT failures. Those found to be at increase future health risk will be offered basic lifestyle advice by PT staff, whilst those at high risk will be offered the opportunity to see and MO and have a weight management programme initiated. Those considered at very high or extremely high risk of future ill-health due to their weight will be referred to an MO before any weight management programme is introduced. b. The Medical Officer is to clinically examine and investigate as appropriate to exclude any pathological cause for obesity. The patient should be offered dietary and general fitness advice. In liaison with the unit physical training instructor a suitable programme of training should be implemented and a suitable time-scale should be chosen for the individual to lose weight which should not normally be less than 3 months. The ability to pass the RNFT will be the ultimate end-point of the weight management process. If the individual remains unfit for task or unable to complete the RNFT due to failure to lose weight, the Commanding Officer should then issue a formal warning to the individual that they must lose the required amount of weight within the specified period. During this period, the individual's progress will be monitored by PT and medical staff. c. If the individual has not taken reasonable steps to lose weight within the specified period, the Commanding Officer is to be so informed and Discharge Shore (MedCat P2) may be authorised. d. Exemptions. There will be certain individuals who by virtue of pre-existing medical conditions should be exempted from weight management (for example pregnant Servicewomen). These individuals will require to have an exemption ‘for medical reasons’ certified by Unit Medical Officers.

814. Obstructive Sleep Apnoea and the use of CPAP a. Obstructive Sleep Apnoea (OSA) can cause considerable difficulties with daytime somnolence. When downgrading personnel for investigation and treatment of OSA the impact of somnolence should be considered and limitations imposed on safety-critical duties, weapons handling, driving of service vehicles and watch-keeping should be applied as appropriate. b. All OSA patients who do not respond to simple measures (eg weight loss) should be referred to NSMDOS for permanent grading (including all patients requiring CPAP). Grading will be dependant upon the requirements for medication, for mains power for CPAP, the level of somnolence if treatment is unavailable and the safety criticality of their normal duties.

That reads to me that he'd be medically downgraded for investigations into whether he has sleep apnoea. They'll consider whether he's a safety risk as part of that.

If he does have episodes, he has to comply with treatment and if needs be weight loss or they'll boot him out.

If he does everything he can and still has apnoeic episodes, they'll review him at a medical board, decide whether he's safe to send to sea, consider a shore based job or consider medical retirement.

We went through this process with DH and recurrent heart infections (viral) but they were happy he was fit to go to sea when he didn't have infections as there was no long term damage or risk to him or anyone else. If he develops another one he'll be off the ship while he recovers and back on board afterwards.

Your DH is understandably worried about his career, but he'll be in a lot of shit if he kills someone at the wheel of a car...

Yes of course ratings would complain about each other - my DH is 40, and would go batshit about being kept awake by someone like that if they could be heard.
Yeah, no argument that ratings would complain to each other, but I don't think one would have a serious go at a high ranking officer on board.

Thx for that @CornishPorsche. I often only get half a one sided story from H. I can see where he's coming from a bit more. Tbh, I'd be happy for him to have a shore based desk job, (he'd obv be less so,) but if there was a chance of getting booted out instead I can understand the reluctance. Still, pisses me off that it's just another shitty thing to put up with, as a tangential consequence of being a military spouse. He uses public transport to and from the base atm anyway, and not too tired to be safe, luckily.
Hope your dh stays infection free.

Get a friend in to look at your spare room. I bet they'll have ideas to rearrange it.

And if you have filing cabinetS for your paperwork you have too much paper!

Remember not all ratings give a hoot about rank... A time served Chief or Warrant certainly won't shy away from difficult conversations with someone even if they are a Commander. They might be less likely to shout and scream, but the conversation would still happen, even if they didn't physically drag him out of his pit!

Also, he's still being a selfish prick irrespective of his rank. He's got a job where he should be leading by example. Microsleeps may not even be noticeable to him, but keep an eye out and if you see him nod off even once, he's a danger to everyone on that precious ship of his.

@IndigoSkye, is the mouth guard same as the ones you wear for clenching/grinding teeth?