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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To demand he find a workable solution to his snoring

69 replies

BrightLightsBigCity · 18/02/2020 21:07

Has been going on for years now, and my sleep is totally disrupted, to the point that a large part of the time I'm a zombie all morning, and get dangerously tired in the afternoon. I can't always power through it and often have a nap just before getting kids from school if possible, and at weekends. Am piling on weight.

I've suggested various things and he's actually tried various snoring sprays etc, and found one which lowers the volume, but it's still too loud to sleep through all night. At first he refused to go elsewhere, but now, one or the other of us are on the till up mattress in the tiny space in the spare room come 2am.
Hasn't tried nose clips, and won t go for a sleep study, as he is afraid that if he were on a cpap his job would be affected (would mean his health rating was downgraded and he wouldn't be able to work away, which he enjoys).
We don't have the space for a permanent (comfortable!) bed set up in the spare room, and the sofas are too small to sleep well on.
What now? I'm at the end of my tether this week. I do a little bit of pt work from home, but am so tired atm I feel I wouldn't be able to complete to a decent standard, so that's hard too.

AIBU to demand he try all available options, even if it means he can't do his favourite bits of his job as a consequence? (He'd still have a job, just a more desk based one.)

OP posts:
Parky04 · 19/02/2020 07:49

I snore when I have been drinking and just sleep on the sofa bed. For me, sleeping together is overrated in any event. Sleep is so important. When one of the DCs move out I'm moving in to their room!

theyoungishman · 19/02/2020 08:35

@userxx my local audiology clinic did them for me- I originally went there to get swimming earplugs for my daughter's grommets but they told me they did 'snore plugs' as well.
I'm in Australia but I'm sure they would have similar in UK..

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 19/02/2020 08:44

We've had separate bedrooms for most of our marriage, because DW's snoring is epic.

Damntheman · 19/02/2020 09:10

He needs to see a doctor, you can't go on like this OP! Long term sleep deprivation is TERRIBLE for your health.

A CPAP won't stop him travelling, I have several friends with them and they're very portable. My friends even take theirs camping in the forest - can use a car battery to run it.

Wanderer1 · 19/02/2020 09:54

I think that many people are missing the point. If he has sleep apnea (which it sounds like he has from the stopping breathing) then he needs a CPAP so that he doesn't die in his sleep at some point on the future. Yes, the stopping snoring will be a benefit (although CPAPs are often quite noisy and can disturb sleep partners) but the treatment is for risk to life.
Tell him that being dead will also stop him going to sea, and see if that sends him to the doctors.

Bibidy · 19/02/2020 10:05

My OH snores so I drown him out with rain storm noises from my phone on a bluetooth speaker. I'm a light sleeper and it's the only way I'm not being constantly woken up by him through the night.

NearlyGranny · 19/02/2020 10:15

I tried rain noises but they made me keep getting up to spend a penny!

Damntheman · 19/02/2020 12:14

Try wind noises instead Granny :) Or thunderstorm noises. They're not such 'wet' association noises and work just as well as white noise.

userxx · 19/02/2020 12:29

@theyoungishman Thank you!!! Wearing ear defenders to bed is starting to get me down :)

TwoZeroTwoZero · 19/02/2020 13:00

I bought a sleep mask with built in flat over-ear Bluetooth headphones and listen to rain and thunder noises on YouTube. With them and earplugs at the same time, I can almost block out dh's snoring.

That doesn't sort out the original problem for your dh though; it sounds like sleep apnea is a big problem for him and it needs sorting out before he has a heart attack. There was a programme on TV a few weeks ago about snoring and a bloke on there stopped breathing for up to 30sec at a time. It was very uncomfortable watching it and he was a stranger to me. I can't imagine watching a loved one doing that, especially if they refuse to get help.

ElderAve · 19/02/2020 13:07

The machine would improve his sleep too. A friend who finally gave in and went to the GP has found it's quite literally changed his life as well as his wife's. He didn't realise he was permanently tired too.

If it's about taking the equipment with him when he's away, why would he need to take it?. He could just use it at home.

Original poster
BrightLightsBigCity · 26/02/2020 22:21

If it's about taking the equipment with him when he's away, why would he need to take it?. He could just use it at home.
Already suggested, but as far as I remember, he said it would be on his records as being unfit for sea as he used one. I dunno.
Those earplugs sound great, but I'm concerned about not being able to hear my alarm to get dc up for school, if they cut out noise that well! His snoring has often been louder than my alarm. Dc van hear it in their rooms down the corridor sometimes. Confused (I know that someone will say to get the dc to get themselves up, but I get up earlier than them.) The mouthguard thing sounds worth a try, will suggest it.
As for 'Just moving the furniture' a small room with a desk on one wall, bookshelves and filing cabinets containing work and household paperwork - not really anywhere else to put them as they need to be accessible but the small house doesn't have any other spaces they could go in.

OP posts:
LizB62A · 26/02/2020 22:26

Has he still got his tonsils?
Mine were massive and, when I had them out at age 28, it made a huge difference to my snoring, really cut it down a lot

mrsbyers · 26/02/2020 22:33

Industrial strength earplugs , hubby had his tonsils removed and ‘flabby bits’ taken from nasal passages and it made no difference. I use moldex35db ones bought in bulk on eBay - really comfortable and I can still hear the alarm go off

faracrossthepond · 26/02/2020 22:38

@BrightLightsBigCity Sorry, but sod noise cancelling headphones and earplugs and all that jazz.

Separate rooms all the way. Absolute utter Heaven on earth..... for a myriad of reasons. Sharing a bed/a room with someone is just not doable long term. Impossible to get really good strong decent sleep with someone sleeping with you in the same bed.

Sorry, but it just is.

faracrossthepond · 26/02/2020 22:42

I never understand why we are expected to sleep in a 4 X 6 foot space with another fully grown human being - wriggling and rawling about and snoring and fidgeting and coughing and snuffling and hogging the duvet...

I think sharing a bed/bedroom with your partner/spouse should be consigned to the history books. Historically it's the lower classes/poor people who used to share a bed, because of lack of space and to keep warm. NOT because they wanted to. Why the fuck would anyone choose to share a bedroom if they had an alternative?! If you have a spare bedroom FFS use it! Make it yours!!!!!!!!!!!!

gamerchick · 26/02/2020 22:43

Tell him to stop assuming.

Does he know he's risking his actual life OP? He could die if he doesn't get it sorted.

The CPAP is portable, it will improve his health and they're not that noisy for bed partners compared to the snoring.

He's being selfish risking leaving you a widow Hmm

PrincessHoneysuckle · 26/02/2020 22:44

My dm and df have had separate rooms for years due to my dm snoring.Dh snores but if he lays on his side he stops.Im assuming you've tried all sleep positions?

CornishPorsche · 26/02/2020 22:47

Agree, he wouldn't be allowed to go to sea with a CPAP, however if he's still on a ship, do his mess not complain about the racket?

CrotchetyQuaver · 26/02/2020 22:51

Somethings not quite adding up here. If he's that bad at home, he must be a nightmare at sea and keep half the ship awake with his snoring?

I'd keep pushing for him to sort it out, it's not fair on you and he should certainly move into the spare room even if it means clearing some furniture.

CrotchetyQuaver · 26/02/2020 22:52

Do you think he's even been to the doctor about this or is he just saying he had to shut you up?

DaisyDaisyMae · 26/02/2020 22:53

If your husband does have sleep apnea he needs to get it sorted. It affects everything. It can cause heart attacks, strokes even dementia and a lot more. Please ask him to go to see his doctor

Muchtoomuchtodo · 26/02/2020 22:53

I empathise op.
My ds sounds very similar to yours. His snoring improves a bit if his weight is lower but he makes no attempt to lose more weight.
He is on BP medication.
I have worn ear plugs for so long that my ears get sore so now I’m sleeping in ds’s old cabin bed in the spare room. Not great for our marriage but I honestly think it’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane atm. I just can’t cope with constant tiredness.

Ginfordinner · 26/02/2020 23:00

So he would rather risk his life and those of others because he won't use a CPAP machine Hmm

He absolutely must see his GP if he has sleep apnoea. He is being irresponsible.

wotsittoyou · 26/02/2020 23:01

You could seperate to sleep and immediately solve your problem. You're making excuses not to. Why? What's in it for you to refuse to replace the desk with a bed or replace a sofa with a sofa bed? Sounds like you're playing a game.

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