To think a 14yo, 15yo and 18yo don't need to be "looked after" in the school holidays?

[scotlandthebravenotthebrexit]

Or need a lift to and from school every day in term time, when there is a regular bus that takes 30mins?
(No SEND).
This is what my DM does for my DNephews. Dsis is a single parent and they all live with my DM. DSis works full time long hours, so all "childcare" falls to my DM. But why do they need childcare?!
My DM ties herself up in knots to make sure she can keep up her responsibilities. I can't talk to her about it as she or DSis shut down the conversation. So all I can do is come on here and moan, sorry!

Sounds over the top, but it’s a matter for DM and DSis. I’d keep out if it, but I’d also not want to listen to any complaints from DM.

Unless they have additional needs it’s ridiculous. Does your DM pander to them and why not speak to your sister.

Do you think your mum is unhappy doing it? If she is, she needs to speak up. If not, why are you bothered?

I don’t think at that age they need looking after as such but people do things differently. I give my 16 year old a lift to school if he wants one.

Well, there’s a bus that ds can use to get to work, but if we are around we’ll drive him. If not, he catches the bus. Same with dd. She catches the school bus, and she can catch the public bus after activities, but if we are around, we’ll give her a ride. (We have bears and cougars and shit and it’s sometimes below -30.)
I’d do the same in Essex though. It’s nicer to get a ride door to door than have to walk and wait for a bus in the rain isn’t it?

Sister won't discuss it. Yes DM panders to them.
I've tried to talk to them just in terms of the 18yo becoming more independent. They'll finish school in July. They aren't going to go to uni, they barely do anything outside of the house, and are completely waited on at home. It's just not healthy.

(I'm complaining about it this week as I wanted to arrange a day out with DM, but she can't as she has to look after DN's )

Just keep out of it - no good can come of you telling your sister and mum how to parent.
It is good for teens to be looked after anyway imo. Otherwise they are living as mini adults without the full adult decision making skills and experience. And a lot of them make some seriously crappy decisions.

What will she do when the 18yo leaves school? Is she going to take him/her to work/college/uni before/after the school run? Could you raise that with her and say it might do 18yo good to have a bit more responsibility/independence. Framed that way, they may be more open to hearing it than if it sounds like you are saying she's a mug or being taken advantage of.

Another option... can the 18yo learn to drive and then ferry the younger ones to/from school?

@nachthexe of course a lift is nicer, but DM's whole week is planned around school drop-off's and pick-ups, not the odd one here and there.

@Daftodil the 18yo has been having driving lessons for 18m. He doesn't like driving, he does it to please his DF. Nowhere near passive his test.

Not sure I would want a crappy new 18yo driver negotiating morning rush-hour traffic with a pair of teenage siblings yapping and arguing and distracting the driver from the back seat.

Actually, I found parenting my kids during their teens to be very consuming, and that it can be a great gift to kids to be available to them when they are ready to open up and have heart-to-heart talks with their parents. Adolescence is a difficult and sensitive time. I remember hearing somewhere that "Parenting is easy, unless you try to do something else at the same time," and I agree. A lot of good parent is just being open and available, and that can take time and being there if you can be.

I find it odd that at that age they want lifts rather than taking the bus with their friends. I drop 17yo Dd at school if I can if she has an early start (7.30am) but usually if I offer a lift any other morning she declines as she is meeting friends.

It is way to late to change the dynamic in your family and you will probably only end up frustrating yourself so annoying as it is I I would leave them to it.

She probably enjoys it. It's nice that she's bonded with her grandkids like that. Not everyone gets that opportunity. You don't say where their father is, but maybe it's good for them, too, to have their grandmother so involved. I don't see how it even affects you. I would butt out. You will generate real resentment if you start encouraging her to give them less time and attention. That's not very nice of you.

(I'm complaining about it this week as I wanted to arrange a day out with DM, but she can't as she has to look after DN's

Is this the first time you’ve wanted to go out and she can’t because of looking after the kids? If so, maybe she does it because she enjoys being part of their life every day and being busy each day rather than not have anything to do apart from you asking once in a while to do something with her.

My mum used to help out with the kids, admittedly when they were younger. My brother lived miles away and only seen her a few times a year. But when he decided he wanted to see her, he’d be annoyed that she couldn’t just drop all commitments to her grandchildren and go out with him. I think she was supposed to do nothing with us and wait for his invitation a few times a year. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Obviously this situation is different because the kids should be able to sort themselves out, at least for a day at their ages so you can have a day with your mum, It sounds like they’re very dependent on her and maybe they all like it that way, i think you have to just leave them to it.

Christ it sounds suffocating for the teenagers and will cause no end of problems later on in life being mollycoddled. All the posts we read on here about lazy partners well this is how it starts. It's not a normal setup. I wouldn't stress about it OP and maybe try the weekend for a day out with your mum.

It must be frustrating for you. It's really not healthy for them to be babied, but what can you do? I wouldn't even raise it again with your sister or mum, but you could casually say something to your nieces I suppose.

YANBU, and if the reason for the lifts and the minding is some anxiety problem on the part of any of the adults in the household then I would be very concerned for the teens.

To judge from the lack of get up and go on the part of the 18 yo, it sounds as if they are being smothered, and not encouraged to develop independence or competence. This can happen when someone supposedly in charge lets their fears run away with them, resulting in far too much sheltering of children.

Even if the reason isn't anxiety I would be concerned. They are not learning useful real life skills when someone is doing things for them that they should be doing for themselves - this can adversely affect confidence and stifle ambition.

Why has the 18 yo decided not to go to university? Why is the 18 yo not keen on driving?

That sounds suffocating for these teens. Probably their growth to adulthood has been stunted for some years. I don’t think there’s anything you can do.

Actually contrary to other advice I think it’s non of your business. If the kids hate it (yes they are too old) or if your mum hates it (definitely old enough) then let them speak out. Maybe they just enough the time together. Are you a little jealous you are your children aren’t receiving the same attention?

I find it frustrating, yes, but I
Wouldn't say I'm jealous about my children. She's happily have my DC's to stay and then include them in the activities.
Their DF has a quite typical every other weekend and one evening a week contact arrangement.
The 18yo won't be going to uni as he detests being in education.

I live in a London suburb. My DC's (yr 5 and 6) walk the mile to school and back. I'm here when they get home. I'm not planning on being at work all day in the school hols when they're teens, but I'm also quite excited for them that there are lots of options for them by virtue of where we live so the bus / tube will help them to access all manner of stuff by themselves. That's what I liked to do when I was a teenager, so it seems odd to me that my DN's are so tied to DM. But, she is lovely so I suppose if that's what they want then it ok.

No, I wouldn't personally do that for mine but she may have her reasons.

Well no they don't need looking after as such but teens can make a godforsaken mess, spend all day on screens or in bed and eat junk when leff home alone. If not getting in to trouble (drink,drugs,sex). One or 2 days is probrably ok, maybe this is the day that your DSis didn't need to worry because DM had them...

I'd keep out of it. Without knowing all the ins and outs I can't say whether you are being unreasonable.

My SIL is a single mum, and my MIL goes above and beyond to try and keep grandchildren happy and support SIL. I don't get any help but I can't be bothered in getting jealous or cross. SIL's life is in many ways more challenging than mine. I think without her mum picking up the slack she'd fall apart.

Does the 'child' care give your Mum focus? I sometimes have a moan to my youngest DD about the childcare that I do for my middle DD, but my days drift when I'm not doing it.

As long as they could be independent if they needed to be, I don't see the issue. Individual personalities should be respected. As long as your DN has a work plan, then there is alternatives to University.

Too many Parents step away from their Teens, when it's a time that they do need guidance.