To think a 14yo, 15yo and 18yo don't need to be "looked after" in the school holidays?

[scotlandthebravenotthebrexit]

Or need a lift to and from school every day in term time, when there is a regular bus that takes 30mins?
(No SEND).
This is what my DM does for my DNephews. Dsis is a single parent and they all live with my DM. DSis works full time long hours, so all "childcare" falls to my DM. But why do they need childcare?!
My DM ties herself up in knots to make sure she can keep up her responsibilities. I can't talk to her about it as she or DSis shut down the conversation. So all I can do is come on here and moan, sorry!

catching having a lift is much nicer than catching the bus and usually faster for the passengers at least.

I suspect cost might play a part. I have a friend who now drives her 2 kids to school or grandparents do it as the cost of paying 2 bus fares is a lot. 3 would make it much cheaper to drive I should think.

Also for people saying why doesn't the 18 yo go to uni? Well I guess that might be from Sept but presume they are in 6th form. Learning to drive is also very costly and not an option for all 18 yos.

I think you will have to leave them to it OP. It sounds like your DM likes to help. It won’t be forever.

Why do you care?
I wouldn’t leave a 14yo alone for all of the school holidays.

YANBU That sounds utterly suffocating and is highly likely to dump another 3 pathetic man-children into society in the future. Teenagers need a balance of space and support, ideally not abandoned to get on with it, but not stiffled either. In 6 m, the 18 yo's peer group will be heading off to university, often around the country and will be largely functioning as independent adults for their day to day needs.

It's nice that DM is involved and cares, but she should not be running around ragged after them, nor should she be for a family 10 years younger!

You can't say anything though; it's mainly their problem (although to the detriment of some time being reserved for you), you won't get anywhere and will just look like the bad guy.

@Scarlettpixie the 18yo is not going to go to uni. That's definite. He's is learning to drive, but has no enthusiasm for it at all so is nowhere near passing his test. He has his own car, bought and insured etc by his DF. Only used for lessons of course at the moment.

@Ponoka7 he has no work plan, no clue what he wants to do. This is a different thread, but I have chatted to him and DSis before now about looking ahead a little, maybe getting a part time job now so that he is making some money himself but no, no interest. I've no idea what he'll do from July onwards .

I guess to me it just feels like they are holding on to the apron strings so so tightly. But, it most does give my DM a purpose so it's good for her. I do see that.

You and your sister have different parenting styles. And your mum is more like your sister. It's not a one size fits all. If they are happy, leave them alone.

@ssd interestingly my DM's parenting style with me and DSis was very different! We were encouraged to get jobs as soon as we were old enough (paper rounds, followed by local supermarket shifts), we walked or took the bus to school. School hols were a combination of family days, town or sporty stuff with friends. We were free but well supported teens. It's the same (very safe) town.

No they definitely don’t need mollycoddling and the thought of teenagers that age needing childcare is frankly hilarious.

Is your mum doing so much for them because she wants to feel needed?

I definitely see aspects of my own mother here - she babied me and my siblings, treating us much younger than our actual ages, and it's very clear with hindsight that this was entirely due to her need to be needed, and nothing to do with us.

My SIL also has children that she insists she has to take to school and be around for in the holiday. They are a bit younger than the ones here (youngest is 11) but again, I can definitely see she insists it is necessary, because as soon as she admits it isn't, she will lose her raison d'etre as "person who is always there for the DC".

Im really surprised by the number of replies saying this is normal.

Unless I've misread:
OP wanted her mum to come out for the day & she couldn't because of 'childcare' & providing lifts for 3 older teens.

I agree that teenagers/young adults still need help & guidance, but one day of looking after themselves OR their DM making her own arrangements for her kids is too much to ask? One day?!

That's (IMO) ludicrous, and doing the 18yo in particular no favours.
But agreed DGM probably finds purpose in being needed.

Does the 18 year old have confidence issues? Would they share their struggles with you if they did?

I don't think it's a bad thing to not know what you want to do. As long as it doesn't go on for too many years, without them working. My eldest DD drifted for a few years, did retail and factory work. Then got a passion for something, got in with a company that does on the job Staff training/qualifications. She's now manager and earns more than most of her peer group who went to University.

My youngest is perusing her career via an apprenticeship (which are available upto 25).

I wouldn't worry, it just needs reviewing in six months, if nothing at all is happening. A Christmas job might spark something off.

Why don’t you pick up some lovely food and meet dm at her house for lunch? Take your dc too!

I don't think there is much you can say or do about it without being told off.

If you want to risk being told off, mention you don't see how they will be responsible and independent adults with drive and a solid work ethic if DM is doing everything for them and it would be more loving to support them flying the nest.

I hope they feel proud of raising potentially 3 more useless man children that society has to put up with their entitlement and laziness. And the poor women who were raised to be responsible and independent, have to be burdened with them.

Of course teens need caring for in terms of knowing someone is there for them, to listen and offer guidance , both in terms of emotions and practical things. They also need monitoring, and in some areas where there is no public transport or where the area is dangerous they will need lifts. BUT it's not good for them to be waited on hand and foot, to have no responsibility or freedom.

This doesn't sound healthy to me either for your mum or for your nieces / nephews. Assuming your mum doesn't work, I guess she likes feeling needed and is happy to do these things, but would be better pulling back, and developing her own activities to occupy her time, after all in 4 years they will all be adults.

That said, although it must be frustrating to not be able to spend time with your mum because she's running round after her nearly adult grandkids , I would stay out of it. Offer an opinion if any of your family ask you but I wouldn't offer it unasked.

It's bloody ridiculous. At their ages, there should be nothing stopping your mother going out for the day. Why can't the 18 yo watch the others? Are they incapable of getting food when hungry? Do they spend time with the father?

Why do some people baby their teens so much?

Absolutely ridiculous.

I was home alone all the school holidays from age 12!

Im really surprised by the number of replies saying this is normal.

I’m not sure anyone is saying it’s normal. I agree that most teens want to be more independent and certainly don’t want nan so involved in their life. But if they seem happy and none of them are willing to change, what can you do ? OP could end up having a full on row or them all falling out with each other. I’d have concerns for the kids but I think OP has to just leave them all to it as she’s tried bringing it up and they’ve shut the conversation down. Hopefully at some point one of the kids will start going out more by themselves and the others will follow.

She probably likes feeling helpful. FWIW I don't think teens those ages should ideally be left alone all school holidays, if it can be helped. Teenage years are hard.

These babies teenagers will be subject of future posts on here by their DWs,
Help my husbands nan interferes and he’s useless!!!

More to the point why would any 14yo, 15 yo and 18yo want to be babysat in the holidays? I can just imagine the eye-roll I would get from my teen.

Is your mum trying to compensate for them going through their parents' divorce?

But, horses for courses, I suppose. My SIL wouldn't let her teenage children go on a 20 minute train journey on their own until they left home in case they "got snatched". I shit you not. Two of them were 6 foot rugby players by the time they were in sixth form.

My mum hangs out with my teens during the holidays. They all enjoy it. I don't think she interacts much with the older two but the youngest still does a lot with her. They all do it because they like it

Wrt bus. If my 3 went to the same school I would be tempted to drive them - save me a fortune!

We have the same with fil and mil with the dns ,they retired to fill any gaps the parents had with childcare ,
It’s bizarre to hear how busy the in-laws now are with the dns ,but they clearly love doing it

I don't think it's healthy for kids of that age to be so mollycoddled, and if I were you I would not be happy if I couldn't have a day out with my mum because she was too busy doing things for kids who are perfectly capable of doing things for themselves.
And I find it quite patronising to assume that doing everything for her grandchildren gives your mum focus. Perhaps this is the case, but equally she could be running around after them through habit and/or a sense of duty, and might love to have some time to focus just on herself. I would worry that your DS is taking advantage and would broach the subject with your mum in a casual and calm manner if I were you OP.

Yes whilst it might be nice for them to get an occasional lift your mum should not have to plan her life around looking after teens. Ridiculous and can understand why you are fed up. I think I'd be honest and say that you're disappointed that you cannot spend some time with her and really do feel her level of involvement is unnecessary.

No they don't need your DM constant attention. If there's public transport available to them she would be fine going out for an afternoon.
I don't like to.leave my teenagers as we live just outside a small village with no public transport or shops or friends close by so they would be isolated and housebound without either me or DH being able to transport them. I have to say ime teenagers aren't great in emergencies either, do they know how to turn electrics off, where the stopcock is etc, do they have friends or neighbours they can call.on quickly in an emergency? An 18 year old is technically an adult and would be fine but the 14 and 15 year old are still kids .
Could you arrange a day with your mum out of half term?