Being kept alive for the sake of the unborn baby..

[QueenofmyPrinces]

A bit random, but just after some other people’s thoughts about a discussion I had with my husband last night and some of our friends.

We had all been watching Kill Bill and were chatting about the fact that the main character had been shot whilst pregnant, and was in a coma for ‘x’ amount of time and then when she woke up she saw her bump wasn’t there - I guess she assumed the baby had died but in the second film, she learns that the baby didn’t die and had been living with the father for 6 years.

I then said that if I was pregnant, and something happened to me that resulted in me being clinically dead, I would want doctors to put me on a ventilator, to keep me ‘alive’ in order to preserve my baby‘s life and then deliver it at 40 weeks.

DH said that hypothetically he would want the same as we would both want the baby to be allowed to live even if something happened to me.

One of our friends was pretty horrified by the idea though and said she couldn’t put her finger on the reason why, but she just didn’t like the thought of it.

I asked why wouldn’t she want the doctors to keep her ventilated to keep the baby safe and ultimately be born, but she couldn’t give a specific reason and just said it didn’t seem right.

We didn’t get into any big debate about it or anything but I’m just interested in what other people think.

I would absolutely want to be “kept alive” to enable the safe delivery of my baby and allow it to have a chance at life.

AIBU to think most women would feel like that?

In terms of NHS resources, is it appropriate to ventilate a corpse and aggressively treat the symptoms of a decaying body (so graphically described in some of the links)?

I call a pregnancy 'it' until I know the sex, don't lots of people?

I think you are a bit naive if you can't imagine reasons why some women actively do not want to bond with a foetus.

Well yes, until you know the sex, but that doesn't mean it is an 'it' just that you don't know which one to use yet. There's a huge difference in calling a fetus 'it" because you don't know, and because 'its just a fetus, it might never exist'

Tbf were clearly identifying different types of people on this thread. Some are analytics people who deal with facts and results, some are emotional who deal with feelings and outcomes. And then there is everything in between.
I know I'm emotional, I always think about the romanticised version ie my baby would be happy, healthy and loved, my family would share in that love and it would ease their mourning for me, and I would have been able to give my child everything I had. I know in reality its not that simple.

None are wrong in their opinion or their view. But the two extremes will never be convinced they are wrong.

I wasn't particularly attached to my babies until they were born. Sorry we are not all sentimental and squidgy.

People can be as sentimental and emotional as they like. Advanced Care Directives are a thing. Write one down, sign it and make sure your loved ones know your thoughts and where to find it.

For me, I will rely on the law which (for now) treats me as a full person and any foetus as a part of my body which can be removed if necessary to save the whole.

My sentimental/emotional reaction is the thought of any child of mine being incubated in such an unnatural way and what that would mean for them both physically and mentally. I find it repulsive and would consider that worse than their death with me.

Just wondering, is there any proof that it's mentally harmful to the baby? I've seen it referenced many times on this thread. I can't open the links as using the app and tbh, I'm a bit scared about what I'm going to read...

@Biancadelrioisback well there's not exactly been many cases (if you ignore all the cases where the mother isn't dead but in a coma). But do you seriously think it would be positive psychologically? Your mother being dead many months before you were born?

I would like to be kept on life support if it gave my unborn baby apart. However I would expect my husband to tell my children I was dead, have a service and never to let them visit me. Simply to say the doctors were trying to save their sibling and would let them know as soon as he could whether the baby would be going home or joining mum. My kids would adapt to that, they're horrifyingly pragmatic at times Once the baby bit was done I could have a direct cremation and everything's settled.

That said if medically it's not really possible to do I guess it's a moot point.

There's a huge difference in calling a fetus 'it" because you don't know, and because 'its just a fetus, it might never exist'

Oh, sure, and I imagine people do it for very different reasons.

But it is not fair to presume that people who don't view or talk about a foetus as a 'baby' are somehow lesser than people who do.

FWIW, as someone who's had several unsuccessful pregnancies, I have tried very hard to distance myself because it is just gut-wrenching to let yourself be swept up in the emotions, only to find it's not going to happen. Again.

All sorts of different things will shape people's feelings and responses to this situation, and that's just one example. I can also very much imagine that a partner or parent of someone who's just been found to be brain dead, might find it impossible to relate to a foetus in the same emotive way they would do in a happier situation.

Honestly, I wasn't particularly attached to my first daughter before she was born. Not as an individual. I was excited about being a father and desperately looking forward to creating that attachment and that is what would have devastated me if she wasn't born alive. I wouldn't have been mourning the attachment I had to her, I would have been mourning the attachment we would have developed.

My second daughter was a bit different because I knew how quickly I would develop that attachment once she was here and so I became more attached to her before she was born. Milestones like scans and feeling her move and seeing her grow contributed to feeling like a family of 4 from early in the pregnancy rather than only feeling like a family of 3 after my eldest was born.

I think you can feel a sense of detachment from the unborn baby and still grieve a pregnancy that ends in loss.