To think not everyone has somebody who would notice?

[Donkeykong2019]

I know I don't. People always suggest reaching out to a friend or family member but not everyone has someone and the constant reminded of not having someone is awful

One of the most awful things about the Caroline Flack post about mental health was where she said she had tried to talk to a friend who had said she was "draining".

This is one of the most awful things about mental health crises: its difficult to admit to it but the plain truth is that people going through mental health crises are often very hard to be around, often to the point where they are potentially damaging to others, and quite often their nearest and dearest decide to pull back to protect themselves.

When my former husband was having a very serious health crisis which involved several suicide attempts thankfully unsuccessful I tried very hard to support him because I knew he had no-one else -- even though he was frightening me. Ultimately I had to seek an injunction against him to protect myself. Although I had to do it for mine and my daughter's safety it felt awful to have to abandon someone who I had been very close to for a decade when they desperately needed support.

That's a fairly extreme example, but the reality is that supporting people in the grip of a serious mental health crisis is no walk in the park and the rhetoric about "just being there" can be a bit facile and simplistic.

Its often not as simple as just listening to someone. It can mean just listening to someone repeat the same thing 20 times a day when you're trying to do a job or look after a child. It can mean having someone turn up at your house in the middle of the night, drunk or generally in a terrible state. It can sap all of your time and energy and leave you feeling very depressed yourself.

Of course we should all reach out to show people we are here to help. But this is missing the bigger point which is that as a society our understanding of and ability to treat mental health problems is primitive. Leaving aside the questions about the media/social media and the role they play in these situations as that's a whole other topic, mental health needs serious investment and a huge step up in medical and social provision. Just saying "I'm here to listen" isn't enough.

I reached out to my oldest and closest friends when my marriage was breaking down and I was suffering from such awful anxiety that often prevented me from going outside because I was having panic attacks. I was told by one of my best friends that I wasn't fun anymore, that no one wanted me around because I kept cancelling big meet ups, and that I would lose all my friends if I carried on this way. She said that she was doing me a favour by telling me this despite the fact that the last thing I needed was to be told that I was alone.

One night I told her how desperate I was and the next day she messaged my now ex husband to say I needed help and I never heard from her or any of our mutual friends again. They just cut me off. But I bet that they are sharing memes on Facebook about how we need to support each other and understand mental health.

I'm trying to think. Like when my mental health was at its worst, the person I thought would be there for me was my dp. Instead he got angry at me and if I said anything he reminded me how hard it was on him. I know that it was. But it felt so cruel, even with hindsight it still feels cruel.

Though in his defence, as much as someone might actually care, they may be at a loss of what they can do. When I was a teenager one of my close family members was very unwell, I wanted to help, I was scared, I felt alone and I had absolutely no idea what I could do to actually make things better. I hid everything we had at home that I thought they could use to harm themselves, and I tried to keep the house running, but other than that I didn't know what to do.

I think there are people out there who genuinely do care and that those people (hopefully) form the majority of trained counsellors and other professionals. I don't know. I hope you're ok op.

I know it must be really hard to reach out when you are feeling really low but you have to try. If you don't try, how can anyone know that you are suffering and need help?

If you can't speak to family or friends (or don't have them) then try phoning Mind or the Samaritans or your GP or employer. I don't want anyone to ever consider harming themselves.

It is only by reaching out and really telling someone how bad you feel that you can get help. You have to find the strength and courage to do it. There are people who care. You are not a burden.

Completely agree the Facebook posts about being kind are well meant but useless. When I had a mental health crisis I was so lucky my husband helped me, as did the GP. But while my best friends would have wanted to help, I was in no fit state to reach out.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I do understand the pain. As do the Samaritans

We're sorry to hear so many of you experience this. Glad to see a bit of solidarity in numbers though. We can see everyone is getting lots of support here but a reporter mentioned that just in case, it might be a good idea to post some of our usual links to help, and we thought that sounded like a good plan.

So here's a link to our Mental Health resources. And here's one to the Samaritans website or you can email them on [email protected].

But in the meantime, we're very glad to see lots of people asking for and receiving help here. That's what sites like this are really here for, surely.

My DH left me because of my mental health problems. He couldn't understand why I wasn't getting better and lost patience. I don't have any friends and can't burden my aging parents any more than I already do. The problem with 'reaching out' as presented in the media is that there in never any exploration of what happens after that. The services are just not available, waiting lists for treatment are lengthy and as there is not always and end point with mental suffering friends and family can become frustrated when you don't seem to be improving.

Mumsnet is great but it just doesn't replace the IRL support does it? I'd love to be able to sit and chat with somebody about my Dad but there is nobody. Of the 20 people I know on social media not one of them said anything when I posted news of his death. They genuinely don't care.

@Connie222 HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Jellycat - you really struck a chord with me. I had minor day-surgery a couple 0f years ago and the unit wouldn't let me leave unless someone was with me.. there was noone local as my only, true friends live hundreds of miles away.

I know I am lucky as I do have those (4) friends on the other end of the phone but living where I live, it's very lonely as it feels like there isn't really anyone. I wish I could move but single parent and need to stay in the area for the contact with their Dad. Fucking sucks...

I hope all on this thread are doing ok

85notout So sorry about your Dad. That makes me sad to read.

It is actually really really comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling/being completely alone. I have never been so low or in such a dark place, I have made plans (i wont carry them out) and it's grim but for the first time in a few weeks i havent felt completely alone.

Three years ago I left my incredibly abusive ex, I had a 2 year old and a 10 week old at the time. 6 months later he got a conviction for one relatively minor assault. 13 months later I got my no contact court order. Everyone at that point pretty much disappeared because in their eyes I had nothing to be sad or worried about. I'm finding actually as time goes by I'm finding it harder to cope. Both kids have SEN. I can't talk about them or me or life anymore because I know people don't know what to say and I'm nothing but a burden on them. In November ex-mil made contact to have contact with the kids, I stupidly made myself vulnerable and contacted her back to say yes we could make steps towards that goal. Today I get told that she wants nothing to do with us and that as far as she is concerned they are not her grandchildren. They have written their existence off.

It hurts, it really hurts but when I posted in the DV support group I got "try harder to keep them out of your head".

Everyone sees my life as being an amazing example of leaving DV and rebuilding and everyone comments on how well I'm doing but I have never ever felt lower. I have no friends. My mum doesn't even know about the DV because 2 weeks after we split she drank herself into intensive care for 6 weeks.

I don't want sympathy or praise, I don't want to be told how well I'm doing or that I'm a good mum because honestly, I'm an utter mess and the kids deserve so so much better than I could ever give them.

I was diagnosed with bipolar at 22 years old (for context)
My mum works with mentally ill people, however if I say I’m struggling, she’ll happily say ‘well you just have to get on with it’. I know she doesn’t speak to her patients like that so why do I get it?
So obviously I do not confide in her, then she has the absolute audacity to complain that I don’t open up to her. Bizarre.

I’m lucky that I do have people around me, but I work with lots of lonely people and it’s heartbreaking. I would be there for any of them if they needed me, and I hope they would reach out to me

@Donkeykong2019 I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Ive noticed you on here before and you seem lo

*Seem lovely (pressed post by accident)
@Connie222 happy birthday

I feel like this too. No friends, obviously wouldn’t talk to DC. Tried telling DH, who said I can’t be depressed as I function, look after DC, cook, clean... I do these things for him and DC, were I alone I wouldn’t be here.

I've got one friend who I know I could turn to and be very honest with - which I am. I hope she feels the same about me

At home? DH might notice? I tend to just get on with it. I know if things got really bad I'd say something to DH but I'm not confident he'd know what to say/do!

My friend just listens, gives advice then says daft stuff that makes me feel better. She's the best.

@Howmanysleepsnow honestly I'm not.

I'm sorry you feel similar, I would not be here if it weren't for the kids. A lot of solidarity.

Absolutely me, family absolutely sick of my anxiety and avoidance and self destruction, no friends to speak of so nah, only debt collectors and the council would notice if I ended it lol.

It’s very true some people don’t have anyone. I’m a manager and I’ve had many staff open up to me as they have no-one else and I’ve persuaded them to seek help.

Op I just want to say that I was in your exact situation a about 9 years ago. It is awful but it is temporary. I am 100% sure there is more joy in your future. Speak to women's aid as they sometimes do lovely support groups. Counselling might also help. You have to come through the stages of grieving for the way you're life was meant to be and the way you thought it would be. It's all still fresh - we lock it all away to cope when we are in the midst of drama and dv. Then when we are safe it all spills out. You are the world to your kids, and you have worked hard to protect them. You have to stop beating yourself up about that and just give yourself time. Sounds daft but pretend that you are speaking to a friend in your head and be kind to her and treat yourself with the compassion you would if you knew someone had gone through what you did.

I'm sorry if I sound cheesy and preachy. I just remember being there and wish I could take it away for those who are good people suffering.

@Donkeykong2019 well, even if you have a less than lovely side too, there’s something in you that shines through. I don’t notice many posters by name on here, but you I do.

I went through a really hard time last time year, tried to open to a friend who had suffered pnd (I suspect I did too) but she barely acknowledged what I said... made me feel like a total idiot.

I eventually confided in the group chat she's part of and in front of others She replied "oh hun always here"... I thought "well you're not are you?".

My dh is lovely but very much stoic and not talk about feelings type so even though I try to open up to him it's often pointless... he does try.

I am lucky now that I have 2 different groups of friends who I can talk to but I know not everybody is as fortunate.

Hope you're ok OP.

I'm paddling in your boat @Donkeykong2019

Life is a mess.
House is messy (its a 'depression pit') when i used to be so on top of it and immaculate.
Ex was removed by police for dv that i had to report.
Child with SEN.
Zero support.
Signed DC into school at 11am last week - whole thing is ridiculous. But its DC additional needs mixed with my depression.

Can only get better was what i thought last year. Ha! It got worse. I too was the poster girl for escaping dv, and idk if its better or worse than before, just differently chaotic.
Uhhhh

I keep trying my best for my kids sake tho

@Howmanysleepsnow Genuinely, thank you.

@ZagZig you sound uncannily in a very similar boat, sorry to hear it's so tough. I am definitely with you on the bad combination of the DC additional needs and my own depression. It's hard to manage their needs when fighting to keep your head above water as it is.

Everyone expects life to be so much better once you are out but it's different. As a parent you don't really get time to process or heal from your own trauma. You don't get down time. It's relentless.

Keeping on trying is all we can do.

So much solidarity ❤

Yes I have no one really. I text crisis line numbers when I feel really bad.