Or is this a worrying amount to drink?

[RainRainGoAway2020]

DH and I went out for dinner last night. Over the course of the evening I estimate he had around 5 or so pints and a large glass of wine. I went to bed when we got home and he stayed up. This morning I find he had sat and drank 3 cans of beer and almost an entire bottle of wine after i went to bed.
AIBU or is that a ridiculous amount to drink after a night out??

This is something of a pattern with him and I think it’s symptomatic of an issue with alcohol - he denies it. The worst of it is that he drove this morning before I realised he had carried on his own party at home. I’d never have got in the car if I’d had any idea just how much he’d sunk.

That’s 35 units in one evening!!!!!

How was he standing?

Ah right so here comes the drip feed. If two of his family have died from alcoholism I can quite see why you are worried OP. Also, unless perhaps it's because of special occasions binge drinking twice in one week is different to what you said previously.

Also - even if he’d not carried on drinking he’d have likely still been over the limit this morning. And you got yourself and your children in the car with him, knowing he’d had nearly 20 units the night before....

@RainRainGoAway2020 I was really surprised at how few of my friends thought I needed to give up drinking when I finally did. It didn't make me think I didn't have a problem though, it just made me realise how easy it is to hide something like that and just be 'the one that always has a bit too much'. Which in your case might be helping your DH justify it.

My DH can easily drink this on some days. He has cut down though. He doesn't drive so we don't have to worry about drink driving. He rarely, if ever, gets merry let alone drunk. One thing I do worry about though, is the state of his liver as he's a blood test refusnik and so he won't learn if anything is going wrong until it's too late to do anything.

I think those of you who are in your twenties or thirties are le ss likely to drink heavily than those in their 50s or 60s but seem to have a more tolerant opinion on taking drugs such as cocaine and cannabis.

I like a drink, as does DH (mostly beer, contrary to my username!) 4 pints would definitely be a session for me, and more than I usually drink. DH, being larger and heavier than me might go up to 5 or 6, but neither of us kids ourselves that we aren't drunk if we've had that much, and no way would either of drink wine as well (the thought of it makes me feel ill, tbh) and definitely no drinking and driving. The drinking alone/secrecy points to an issue, sorry OP.

Alcoholic here. Last drink was 5.5 years ago.

Only your husband can say he is an alcoholic, but I drank just like he does, I think. I would drink a lot socially, but the fun only really began once I was alone again. There was never, ever enough alcohol for me. Never. And I was hardly ever hungover bc my tolerance was so high.

Your DP's hiding is significant. I hid so no one, no one, not a soul knew the shocking amounts I consumed.

I held a job, did it very well and was by all appearances a responsible person. No one close to me knew. I drank every single day and I was deeply ashamed of it. I knew it wasn't normal deep down but I would never admit it. The weekends drinking was worse just bc I had more time to abuse alcohol.

Debilitating panic attacks and other serious health problems forced me to quit. Otherwise I would still be drinking, I think.

I hope something forces your DP to admit that he has a problem. No one can make him, unfortunately. Alcoholics are sneaky and compensate for their self-hatred with horrible outbursts and passive aggressive behaviour.

You have my sympathy.

You do not have to put up with it.

That’s 35 units in one evening!!!!!

How was he standing?

He must have built up a ridiculously high tolerance. But it's the fact that he managed to get up and drive the next day which annoys me most.

Other people saying they do/did this too and it's normal for a night out. Fair enough. Your money/liver/life. You wouldn't drive the day after though would you?

I have two small boys and I definitely couldn't be with someone like that.

I was good until the bottle of wine. That would be too much for me. He should not be driving today at all.

On a rough calculation for a 10st male stopping drinking at midnight it would be 5am tomorrow (monday) to be fit to drive.

That’s an enormous wallop of alcohol. To have a blowout once in a while is fair enough, but this sounds like it’s more than occasional, and the driving is not on at all. YANBU to be concerned.

If I knew my DH had been driving my DC when he was drunk (and he absolutely would have been well over the limit based on the quantity and timings you've given) my last thought would be starting a thread on MN to ask people if they thought he had drunk an excessive amount.

Dealing with your DH being prepared to literally risk your DCs (and yours and his) lives doesn't require a thread like this - especially where the odd person will tell you that's not an unusual amount to drink . You would be better off with a support thread for yourself about what you do next.

I started this thread so that I could show him that it’s not just me being “controlling” and “boring” but that most people agreed his drinking was ott.

With regards to why I got in the car with him. He’s 16 stone and to my knowledge stopped drinking at 11pm last night. We had a large 3 course meal with the drinks I was aware of. So by 10am he should have been fine to drive.

I realise you didn't know he was over the limit before you got in the car, I meant more that you know now he drove drunk with you and your DC in the car. This would be more important to me than gauging opinions on whether the amount of alcohol itself was excessive.

Also, showing him this thread will be absolutely pointless, he will most likely dismiss us all as over cautious, ridiculous and uptight and fixate on the few that say it's fine. It will not change him at all and it will not change his drinking. (I say that as someone who wouldn't have been changed by this thread, but luckily have changed)

Based on the new info 2.35am Monday morning.

Also food does not make a difference

Even based on what you thought he had he wouldn't have been ok to drive at 10am. Would have been around half one.

@RainRainGoAway2020 you’re wasting your time. No way he really doesn’t see he has an issue. He just wants to keep drinking so he’s putting the blame on you being controlling instead of stopping drinking.
Start planning an exit.

Sadly Wolfiefan andWeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles are right. SIL's husband is an alcoholic, and I have witnessed first hand how this escalates.

I started this thread so that I could show him that it’s not just me being “controlling” and “boring” but that most people agreed his drinking was ott.

Don't waste your time. The best thing you can do for yourself is look up your local Al-Anon meeting. Because what you need to realise (whether he has a drink problem or not) is

• You didn't cause it
• You can't control it
• You can't cure it.

You can't control him. You can't show him a thread of what people who know nothing about him think. He will take no notice. He is an adult. If he doesn't believe he has a problem with alcohol then he'll think you're just a nag trying to ruin his "fun". If he does accept he has a problem with drink, then YOU have to accept he has a problem with drink, and as a result has no control over it.

There is nothing you can do to stop him, especially if he thinks there's no problem.

The red flags for me are the stealth drinking (coming home smelling of alcohol and denying), the need to slip in a quick one while performing a task and being unable to wait, and the need to drink alone after having consumed major amounts already. If he isn't alcohol dependent physically, he certainly is psychologically.

What you do next depends on what you want your life to be. People like this don't usually stop until they hit crisis point, and by then they will have done a hell of a lot of damage to themselves, their loved ones, their whole lives. And you are powerless to stop it.

I would strongly advise you to contact a support group for relatives of alcoholics/addicts so you can talk it through with people who have lived what you are going through. Al-Anon runs such groups, other groups also exist - I still attend one even though my alcoholic husband has been dead almost 2 years.

Lastly, all I will say is that life without an alcoholic in it is so unimaginably happier than life with one. No more worrying about how much he's had, what state he's going to be in, what his mood is going to be. No having to factor in the hangover in planning your days. Peace and stability for your children. Life as a single parent is infinitely better than being married to an alcoholic.

The last time I went out, I drank a bottle of gin liqueur before even getting out, about 4 double gins & lemonades & a few jaegerbombs. Felt slightly ropey for a couple of hours after I’d got up, couple of small bottles of lucozade saw me right 🤷🏼‍♀️

From a recovering alcoholic what you have describe is massive red flag behaviour.

His drinking habits are not normal. Getting his bags from the car and stopping off for a drink just proves it’s one of the first things on his mind.

Coming home and downing all that- it needs no explanation. There was no reason to stay up other than drink. He didn’t even have company.

Sorry if this isn’t what you want to here but I have experience myself and other people having issues. I’ll be honest, I’m an alcoholic but never drank that much on my own after a night out. I’d carry on having a glass or two but that’s quite excessive.

Best part of 25 units in a single session of drinking - that is an enormous quantity of alcohol and it tells you his tolerance for drinking is dangerously high. Just because it doesn’t get you drunk doesn’t mean you can’t poison yourself with it.

I like a drink. I drink every day. But I wouldn't want to be in the company of someone who had drunk that amount. It is way OTT.