Helping friends and family with serious MH issues. Reach out and talk vs being told you’re draining.

[PhoneTwattery]

Caroline’s death has really got me thinking. I’m fed up of the outpouring of motivational posts on FB saying “reach out to me”, “my kettle is always on”, “don’t suffer in silence, reach out” with the obligatory urges to share.

In reality people feel they’ve then done their bit by sharing these recycled posters/memes on social media but do they and would they follow through?

Caroline allegedly reached out to a friend in October only to be told she was “draining”.

My worry is whether everybody is emotionally equipped to deal with another person’s MH when it’s at a critical level. In all honesty, those who have loved ones with severe MH issues know that in reality, away from all the popular social media motivational bullshit posts, it CAN be draining and you can really find yourself out of your depth.

AIBU to say that as much as you may utterly love a person with MH issues you can absolutely find yourself out of your depth and drained when you’ve tried everything, you love them dearly but nothing you do will ever help?

@Pegsinarow Great post. My DD has depressive symptoms. I myself suffered at a point. DD is doing lots of resilience training, head space, and wellbeing as a subject in Primary school. It has had a very positive result in DD.
Although services are suffering I think the effort from schools will help tremendously in the younger generation.

I had severe PPD and was suicidal. I was referred for CBT through my GP but I hated it, just thought what a burden I was on my therapist with my droning on at her and crying. She was excellent though and really helped, and showed me that this was due to my faulty thinking and got me into a much better state of mind, along with some ADs.
I then felt brave enough to get back in touch with my anti-natal class group, who all sent me to Coventry and completely blanked me, not responding to any emails or texts. I was absolutely distraught as I’d not done anything apart from been depressed and I’d deliberately kept myself to myself so as not to burden them when I was low, but they wanted nothing to do with me as word had got out that I was ‘mental’. I ended up suicidal again as it was such a harsh rejection. It was horrific.

One of my oldest friends battled with depression and poor MH for years. I was there for her. I rescued her so many times, I was there for her so often, throughout my own battles. She refused to engage with any other support/services and actively chose to 'self medicate' with drink and class A drugs.

Eventually I had to take a step back as whatever I did, however much support I offered, it wasn't enough. And it was draining and my own MH was spiralling fast.

She ended her own life a while ago. I did feel guilt - still do - but I wasn't the only person around her.

I like the analogy of the broken leg. Sure you'd seek help if you broke your leg, as you should if your MH is failing.

But if you came to me with a broken leg there is no way I can fix it - I can listen and make you a brew, and even take you to A&E in the middle of the night where I'll hand you over the the trained, experienced medical professionals.

I’ve come across some of them again at my DC’s school, and they’ve done the same thing to some other women I know, as they don’t fit their ‘standards’. Really a horrible snobby bunch I now realise, and I’m much much better now, I have some lovely friends, but these are people posting the ‘be kind’ memes and spouting off about being there for people. It’s all bollocks. I pick my friends much more wisely now.

I grew up with a mother who suffered from very bad depression. When my dad left us it got much worse. As a teenager I grew up having chairs flung across rooms, tv's thrown down stairs at me, my belongings being thrown in black bags and left outside my house, to days where she wouldn't get out of bed and sat sobbing to herself and writing suicide notes to me that she'd leave all over the house for me to find. It was absolutely horrific and it affectedly me very badly. It got much better as she became medicated, sought help from a therapist and eventually met my step dad. In my early 30s I started feeling very anxious and dealt with the very physical pain of panic attacks- it was my mum that urged me to seek the help of a dr. I booked in with a therapist within the week of her intervention and got better luckily very quickly. Having seen the devastating effect of depression and the effects it has on a family I sought professional help but was very grateful for the support in helping me do so.

My experience has taught me to be kind but most importantly that boundaries, even in the closest relationships, are important for our own well being. It doesn't mean you don't care but it is self-preservating. I have a friend at the moment who is constantly writing about her MH on FB yet has been quite unkind to me in the past few weeks. I have learnt that I will be kind to her but I will not step in to be a 'fix' or gush to her whilst she is treating me badly because all I'm doing is putting her MH before my own. I'm simply not qualified to do it and I am too damaged by my own past. I would however always drive her and sit with her at any appointment, help her identify a therapist etc.

I find this whole situation so incredibly sad and hope it really does shake some people into thinking about how their actions affect others. I made a terrible mistake several years ago, I absolutely hated myself (definitely what caused my aforementioned anxiety). Most people were incredibly understanding and helped me and my family through the aftermath. There was one lady who definitely wasn't, she'd ignore me, exclude me, make sly digs etc. I don't think she'll ever know how some days she'd make me feel. It was then almost laughable last night when I noticed she'd tagged some friends in a FB post quote about how angry she was that Caroline Flack was only human and we all make mistakes etc.

My own life has taught me that it's usually the quiet people that 'know' and the ones with the FB quotes and 'come for a coffee' don't often have a clue.

I know all the people who share the posts about 5% of them would actually be there for me!

The world is a lonely place sometimes even surrounded by people.

My daughter tried to take her own life this week and my friends and family are doing their best but in reality what can they do? We have to wait for the professionals to get in touch and hope and pray that the things we have put in place for her work.

It is a very, very lonely place.

Emeraldshamrock that's great to hear about your dd and her school being so enlightened. Really positive to know that these initiatives are taking hold in primary schools at long last.

So sorry about your experience subcentro really awful. .

X post DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld .
I hope your dd is ok
It's outrageous that you have to wait for help in these circumstances.

I agree with a lot of Pp. Mental health services are not fit for service, society is not set up to support good mental health and too much is asked of families.

I grew up with a parent with bipolar. It is draining, heartbreaking and enduring. I also supported a friend with serious mental health crisis and personality disorder. I wanted to help her and put her own needs before mine at a difficult time in my own life ( recent bereavement of a parent). I had to put in boundaries for my own mental health as the demands were too much. I was being called by the crisis team to come and look after her and stay with her. That's an incredible ask of a friend long term. I had ro put in boubdaries as she demanded more ans more support. When i put in firm boundaries sge ended the friendship. I hope to go she is ok, We are more and more stretched with working hours, isolated families etc.

I would never offer support lightly after my experiences. Mental health first aider roles at work I would also not touch with a barge pole. I try and be a good friend by listening, keeping in touch, providing moral support but I am firm with boundaries from the start.

Pegsinarow your relative is very correct about people not understanding inpatient care. I have been an inpatient and though I adored some of the staff who helped me it’s a scarring experience.

Those places are full of people that do and say things beyond what most regular folk can tolerate or even begin to understand. I spent many nights listening to Grace, not her real name repeatedly smashing her head against a wall while the staff tried to restrain her. I had a another woman come in to my room completely naked and wake up to her staring at me with murderous intent. I have seen people being restrained as they try to escape and people share their stories. I knew a women who was raped as a child and gave birth in secret and her friend helped her bury the babies body. She was the kind of woman who would have got in to a fight in a pub and not known when to stop punching she was messed up and really quite dangerous, she was also really very sweet. People like us remain the severely abused children we were for life and when unwell there is something really quite primitive about our behaviours. I have had a lot of treatment, the most successful was a group therapy programme that lasted years. That programme changed me and those primitive behaviours have been crushed, I recognise them on the rise and have been taught how to control them.

Thank your relative for working in MH services.

Valkadin

Very powerful post. Hats off to you for going through all of that and coming out the other side with huge insight and coping strategies. Have you thought of volunteering yourself?

Thank you, I'll pass on your message Sadly (and ironically) my relative went through her own mh struggles with burn out a couple of years back but she's taken a break now and has returned to a more hands off role in an aligned but slightly different field.

Very few of my friends know anything about my past, because it would change the way that they see me. I think it would make things awkward between us. I do have a few friends who have had similar experiences to me, and I share things with them, but there are very few people (maybe only one) with whom I could be completely honest about my feelings. I have attempted suicide several times during my life - starting from a very young age (less than 10). It stays with you, and when I am low, my mind often goes back there. Being able to say to someone "I feel suicidal today" without them freaking out is quite rare. I wouldn't want to say that to any of my friends or family, because it's a hard thing to hear from someone - not just draining, but you suddenly feel responsible for that person. I don't want to put someone through that. However, these days me feeling suicidal does not mean that I am likely to actually carry that thought through. Talking about it helps, but I can't talk about it with anyone, without risking their mental ease. It's a tough one.

One thing I would say though, is that I am not in a place where I am likely to attempt suicide again, and haven't been for years. Things got so much better, and even though my mind will always go back there, I am so glad that I am still here. Just in case anyone is reading this, wondering if things can better if they hang on - they can.

As someone who has struggled at times myself I don't think it's anywhere near as simple as just talking to someone or reaching out. Mental health is complex, there sometimes isn't really anything anyone can do.

Having said that, if it's just mild depression/anxiety, or a person perhaps dealing with grief or a break up that would be otherwise ok, having a chat, offering a bit of help could be offering to go for a walk, or accompany someone to an appointment, being kind, non judgmental, just acknowledging that someone feels shit can do the world of good.

On the flip side I've had people close to me with very very severe mental health problems accompanied with addiction and other destructive behaviour. It has been simply beyond me to help especially when the person can become abusive towards you, blame you for things, want more than you can give. It can be quite frightening and you do have to go into self preservation.

Pegsinarow my psychotherapist has suggested as I asked how I could help that I become part of some sort of committee on patient care. She is looking in to it. I was interviewed about helping trainee medics take MH medical histories. But it’s about a 50 minute drive away and I’m worried I may feel stressed giving my history and be unsafe to drive after plus I won’t use public transport alone.

Thanks for your reply, sorry to hear about your relative but working with such unwell people must be very hard.