Helping friends and family with serious MH issues. Reach out and talk vs being told you’re draining.

[PhoneTwattery]

Caroline’s death has really got me thinking. I’m fed up of the outpouring of motivational posts on FB saying “reach out to me”, “my kettle is always on”, “don’t suffer in silence, reach out” with the obligatory urges to share.

In reality people feel they’ve then done their bit by sharing these recycled posters/memes on social media but do they and would they follow through?

Caroline allegedly reached out to a friend in October only to be told she was “draining”.

My worry is whether everybody is emotionally equipped to deal with another person’s MH when it’s at a critical level. In all honesty, those who have loved ones with severe MH issues know that in reality, away from all the popular social media motivational bullshit posts, it CAN be draining and you can really find yourself out of your depth.

AIBU to say that as much as you may utterly love a person with MH issues you can absolutely find yourself out of your depth and drained when you’ve tried everything, you love them dearly but nothing you do will ever help?

AIBU to say that as much as you may utterly love a person with MH issues you can absolutely find yourself out of your depth and drained when you’ve tried everything, you love them dearly but nothing you do will ever help?
Yes and no. I don't think we are emotionally equip as not a professional. For a low depressed loved one I keep going. My DM is clinically depressed it is tough but I keep going. My friend was having a psychotic break years ago I wished I'd call an ambulance instead of trying to help.
At one point he kept boiling the kettle repeatedly I thought he was going to throw it over me, he was paranoid confused and dangerous.
It is knowing when to call help, tbf there is feck all professional outside help, families have no choice. If my friend went through what Caroline went through I would not find her draining. I know her feelings were valid. I also think if a person is depressed alcohol exacerbates bad feelings.

I don't think we are emotionally equip as not a professional.

But what all genuinely loving and well intentioned family and friends forget and burden themselves with is that professionals also often don’t have the resources- or the answers.

Unfortunately (and bluntly) a lot of people have a high opinion of themselves as being supportive and needed and but are shit. Me and DH had a good, varied and allegedly supportive close group of friends until something happened that was serious and left us needing support - birth trauma, special care baby, DD nearly didn't make it, hospital negligence so emotional complaints process, DH was depressed and I had PND and PNA. We literally never heard from them after they found out it wasnt the happy typical image. We even fell out with one couple who said we hadnt made enough effort with their son and went on to slate our DD for not meeting milestones as fast. These same people post all those shallow memes on fb. It was some friends we rarely saw who actually really stepped up for us and those friendships feel more lasting and enduring. People say awful things. My MIL said it wouldn't have mattered if I "wasnt here anymore" as they would just look after DD. I'm sure she still tells everyone how supportive she was and how tough it was on her.

All these memes and campaigns by people like the Royals encouraging people to talk about their problems do feel very hollow after a while.

It's all very well for Clive to talk to his mate Gary about his feelings, but if he doesn't have enough food, or heating, he isn't paid a living wage, or he's struggling to pay his rent, some pills and a chat aren't going to fix his 'depression' are they?

@blackcat86 And I wonder how many of them shared those stupid social media posts about “always being there” clapped their hands and felt their job was done?

I sometimes feel like there’s an almost romanticised version of MH on social media that’s so different from reality; this idea that depression = feeling sad but can be cured with a cuppa and a chinwag with an old pal. I still feel guilt about having to take a step back from an old friend w bipolar. Despite engaging w services and taking her meds she still has episodes and when she thinks she’s magic, or she’s being followed, or she’s talking about suicide attempts it’s really, really hard and I just couldn’t cope any more. God knows how she copes living it - I really don’t think an inspirational quote on FB is going to do much.

I've never really understood why the onus for supporting someone's mental health lies with friends rather than the medical profession. I've done it once - been the one to "be there" for one friend - and it was awful and traumatic and time consuming and took over my life for over a year. She survived and I'm glad but I'm also not sorry our friendship faded before the next crisis hit.

Dh and I are now the main mh support for a relative of mine and my heart sinks into my boots every time he rings. Being the one to "drop everything " sounds very heroic and noble but go try it sometime. It really fucks up family life.

All these memes and campaigns by people like the Royals encouraging people to talk about their problems do feel very hollow after a while.

Also that pathetic ITV campaign about stopping TV output for a minute while you turn to the person next to you and talk...how many people suffering from MH issues were alone and this campaign only served to make them feel worse?

I am reaching a point where I know I need help. My aunt commit suicide. She did reach out to us - we think she got counselling. I went to the GP with her - he said he’ll get her onto CBT. This was 10 years ago. She was already on anti depressants. She was suffering from insomnia - walking around the garden for hours in the night. She had lost weight.

I told my mum her sister I said to mum she’s really bad I don’t know what to do for her - my mum went to stay with her - she said she tried to get her to sleep - to sleep together in the same bed like when they were children.

We saw her the week before she hung her self at a family wedding. She was praying hard in the place of worship.

The coroner said it was suicide due to mild depression and he has no doubt that it was her intention to kill herself. She had 2 young children. She locked herself in her garage and hung herself. In her car we found top ten ways to kill yourself. We found no notes (unless my uncle found them and never told us). At post mortem she was found to be self harming.

We were not professionals - we turned to her GP - I went with her. I said to the GP I think CBT is good but do you think she needs more and the GP said to me (not her sitting next to me) what is causing her depression. My Aunty said work/family/life - in reality it wasn’t the cause at this stage it’s that none of us knew the severity of her illness. None of us thought she was at the point of no return.

The guilt we carry 10 years on I can’t describe.

Being the one to "drop everything " sounds very heroic and noble but go try it sometime. It really fucks up family life.

This is the reality.

I do think good empathic friends are incredibly valuable for day to day mh support, diffusing stress around work or relationships etc but serous mh issues are very different.

The guilt we carry 10 years on I can’t describe.

That’s so sad and I say with respect, so misplaced if you can ever come to terms and see it this way.

You were NEVER going to have a magic wand, no matter what. You were never going to have those magic words. You may very well have been a positive thought in her mind despite her final act. I really hope you find peace.

I have almost unlimited patience for anyone looking for practical support, or even to vent alongside getting practical support. What I can’t handle, and have to step away from, is someone who vents and vents and vents but won’tdo anything

This, completely. I will and do help wherever I can. The few friends I have on social media are ones I've had for decades, so when I post those "shit, meaningless" I'm here posts, they know I mean it. I do it from a place whereby I remember feeling like I was a useless piece of shit so how could I reach out to anyone for help? All i ever wanted was an avenue to just ask, but there never seemed to be one, everyone seemed to be so busy so i kept everyhring inside. And I know sometimes, despite what you say, it does help some people. I've had friends message me and ask if it's still ok to take me up on my tea offer - they know I mean it. I've since had friends specialising in mental health post the same, and I take them up on it now, as isn't the advice to reach out?

I have been going through this over the last year with my son, there were times I was terrified, expecting a knock on the door with the news that he was gone. It was a very emotional time and it isvery draining, but I would never ever say that to him as I knew he would stop talking to me and he needed that as a kind of pressure release. What I did do, was listen, give advice if asked, encouraged him to see his GP and ask for help and to help myself by talking it all out with my partner. I was at the point of seeking counselling myself to help me deal with it, when he seemed to turn a corner. He is now seeing a therapist, which seems to be helping, but we still talk daily. There is no shame in seeking help yourself if you are feeling drained by trying to help someone else.

I do think good empathic friends are incredibly valuable for day to day mh support, diffusing stress around work or relationships etc but serous mh issues are very different

This.

YANBU

I recently broke down with my ds and said similar. I have spent hours counselling and supporting him alongside holding down a job and other children. It’s not his fault he feels shite but we get very little support and I too am only human.

The people posting these memes will not be the people offering support to the mother in the local shop with tear swollen eyes or the person lobbying for mental health support amongst teens.

Social media has positives and negatives. One of the negatives is the way you can briefly post to make yourself feel and look good but it shuts down dealing with reality.

Mental health support is exhausting and time consuming. It needs better funding and frankly I think it needs to start early. From what I’ve seen teen mental health is at epidemic crisis point and families get sfa. It is going to bite this nation on the bum big time further down the line.

Thanks @PhoneTwattery I don’t know - we did what we could but I suppose sorry in relation to your OP I think even if people say they can be there and are there - then we can’t do what the person needs. We did try to reach out for my Aunty - I went to the GP with her - she asked me to - I was her cry for help and I didn’t help. I now think back all the time - why didn’t I push the GP more - I knew looking at my aunty she was empty - I could see she was hollow - If I told you she was THE life and soul of a party - always the most dressed up - she looked after herself. Worked out - ate well. She was beautiful inside and out and I don’t know what happened.

Sometimes it is hard as life is busy for everyone. It can become frustrating when a depressed person can't help themselves but needs you to help them.
As I said I'll always listen to DM help her takes steps, but it can be frustrating.when she won't take medication, drinks to much alcohol, my Dsis cooks she leaves the plates full and eats sugary shit all day. I often internally scream you need to help yourself too.
I believe it with all illnesses if you can change anything to find improvement do it.
When I'm low I prefer to be alone so reaching out for help is alien for me.

I too am paying for a counsellor for me to help me support my son but it is £££ and I can only afford it monthly.

Beauty I'm so sorry you went through that and that you're still struggling. I don't think you could've done more or even if you could've, the outcome would've been the same.

In life in general I find that unkindness has increased, but conversely the amount of instagrams etc that say be kind etc is increasing. It's like posting some trite saying online negates the need to be kind in real life.

My problem with it is that it’s still treating mental ill health like it’s a character flaw. There’s not memes saying if you’ve broken your leg, come round and I’ll set it for you. What would make sense is if you e broken your leg come round and I’ll give you a lift to the hospital and the trained professionals will help you. But mental health has to be really really bad before there’s any help and even then it’s questionable.
We have metal health first aiders in our work and I can only imagine they’ve never seen someone in a full on mental health emergency or they wouldn’t b e taking responsibility for that.

YANBU and your OP resonates with me a lot. My mother has very longterm MH issues (since before I was born) and expects me to deal with them, as I did throughout my whole childhood and beyond. However I just can’t. I too have longterm MH difficulties, a child with SEN, another child and I’m trying stay on top of everything for their sake and mine. I can’t help my mum, I don’t even know how to anymore and a lot of her issues she wants to discuss are actually really hurtful (blaming my dad for leaving her, saying hurtful things about members of the family I love, blaming me for her physically abusing me growing up, insisting her needs come before my children’s).

To sum up, I will always be there for people I love but there does come a point where you have to put your own needs first.

As for all these SM posts telling people to “just reach out”, it’s well meaning but said with little understanding. They need to reach out. They need to check on their friends/family. Not heard from your friend for a while? Drop a message/pick up the phone to see how they are. Your cousin has just been through a break up? Talk to them, ask after them. Etc. Just being asked “hey how’s things?” And entering into a chat, even if it’s not about their mental health, can help.

If they have deeper rooted problems then quite frankly, seeing a post from Becky on Facebook they used to go to school with and dated the lad they fancied, telling them the number of the Samaritans isn’t exactly a lifeline in itself.

I never post or share those mental health posts. I think they are pointless. They are a way of looking like you’re engaged but without actually having to engage. Instead I speak with my family and loved ones personally and check in with them.

I have been totally supportive over the years with 2 friends with MH issues it is totally draining
One friend I had to distance myself from after nearly 30 years as I could no longer cope and she financially abused me
The other I knew for nearly 10 years and only parted when she started a new relationship - he was controlling and emotionally abusive but she couldn’t see it - he latched on to her vulnerability - I let her know I was there if she needed me - sadly she died (drugs and alcohol related open verdict could have been suicide)
I have had depression myself and DP is severely depressed - I have to limit the time I spend with people like this or I would sink myself and could then no longer help them
Even my job is related to this field
I don’t post memes
I wish people would have helped me in my times of need but ultimately it’s down to me