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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I’m being used?

64 replies

SprinklesandWinkles · 15/02/2020 06:10

I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much from the beginning of a relationship or if this isn’t ok?

I’ve been seeing someone since the middle of January so around 4 weeks. The last time we spoke was Monday so I text him yesterday, this was the conversation;

Me: Happy Valentine’s Day x
Him: oh I didn’t realise it was valentines today, happy Valentine’s Day x
Me: are you doing anything tonight? X
Him: nothing much tbh x

Now I wasn’t expecting him to do anything with me and he already knew that because I have a long standing thing I do on a Friday which he knows about. Just thought we could have talked on the phone for a bit since we haven’t spoken all week. I didn’t bother replying to that message because it felt to me like a I can’t be bothered to talk to you kind of reply?

We spoke last week about not seeing other people so I don’t think he was planning on doing anything with someone else, though he might have been.

The thing is, he will text me later because he’ll want a lift home from work from me tonight. I’ll be going that way from work myself so it’s not really a big deal for me to drop him off. Would I be unreasonable to say something like if he’s expecting me to make an effort with us, he needs to be doing more than only bothering with me when he wants something? Or do I just say I’m going somewhere else tonight and can’t give him a lift?

OP posts:
caulkheaded · 15/02/2020 06:18

Talk about it with him. Explain how you feel, what you needed from him and how the two of you can change it for next time.

(Also in a 4wk relationship so I get the whole “Valentine’s Day is tricky” thing)

Toomanygerbils · 15/02/2020 06:20

You’ve only been together 4 weeks and he knows you are busy on Fridays. It’s so early in a relationship that it’s not really a relationship at all! If you like him give it a try, if you don’t move on. Judging this early is a bit silly

Poorolddaddypig · 15/02/2020 06:26

I think YABU! You’ve been together 4 weeks and you’re busy anyway! Also a lot of people don’t even celebrate Valentine’s Day - after 4 weeks how is he meant to know you do if you haven’t told him? He’s not psychic!

Kirkman · 15/02/2020 06:29

I am confused

He answered your question. He knows what you are doing tonight.

Why is it you think you wre being used?

Original poster
SprinklesandWinkles · 15/02/2020 06:29

Thanks everyone. It wasn’t really that it was Valentine’s Day, more that that’s literally the only conversation we’ve had since Monday and I would have thought he might have wanted to chat a bit because of that.

Maybe I’m expecting too much though with it being early days still.

OP posts:
Original poster
SprinklesandWinkles · 15/02/2020 06:30

@Kirkman because he’ll only talk to me when he wants something off me. E.g after not talking all week, he’ll text me today but only because he wants to ask for a lift home.

OP posts:
Blurpblorp · 15/02/2020 06:32

I know it's early days but I'd be disappointed with that OP. Surely in the early days you're each supposed to be going the extra mile to impress each other? Doesn't sound like he's trying to do that... No need to be a diva about it, but as PPs have said I wouldn't let this slide and would talk to him about it.

Kirkman · 15/02/2020 06:35

Ah right.

I mean it's been 4 weeks. Maybe he isnt a big texter. Also, if he is like this all the time why did you become exclusive? If this is how you felt.

Tbh, we cant say wether he is or isnt using you. But you obviously, you arent entirely happy in this relationship. You can end it, just because it doesnt feel right to you.

Good luck.

Blurpblorp · 15/02/2020 06:36

Also to add, I'd trust your gut instinct... I get that it wasn't about valentines day and there's a whiff of CF about the lifts thing... Just talk to him, do it nicely and whatever you do, DO NOT apologise for bringing it up. Good luck OP x

lyralalala · 15/02/2020 06:37

E.g after not talking all week, he’ll text me today but only because he wants to ask for a lift home.

I’d bin him off

If you are feeling like that after 4 weeks then it’s doomed as your resentment (well placed if that’s accurate) will just grow

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/02/2020 06:37

4 weeks is hardly any time. If he hasn't text you since Monday, is it even a relationship or have you just had a few dates? Has there been an agreement to be exclusive?

he’ll only talk to me when he wants something off me

This is the red flag OP.

FirmlyRooted · 15/02/2020 06:43

Valentine's is a red herring. What isn't on is not texting or calling all week and then asking for a lift, he's using you I'd say.

4 weeks in I'd be expecting a lot more consideration and contact...

Jimdandy · 15/02/2020 07:34

I’d just ghost him

AlwaysCheddar · 15/02/2020 07:39

Sorry but unless he lives in a hole, there’s no way he wouldn’t know it’s Valentine’s Day. He didn’t acknowledge it for the start of your relationship, that’s poor. If he asks for a lift, don’t answer.

michaelbaubles · 15/02/2020 07:42

Yes 4 weeks is early but it's also super early to be doing girlfriend things like giving him lifts to places! If you're close enough to do favours for each other you're close enough for a Valentine's date. He's a taker, all right.

Dontdisturbmenow · 15/02/2020 07:44

I don't get it either. Maybe he was a bit upset that you didn't cancel your long standing activity this evening for him. What else did you expect him to say? You couldn't spent the day together because of you, surely it was for you to say 'sorry we can't be together today, how about I call you when I'm back and have a good chat', or 'how about we make it up the day after or Sunday'.

Why is it always expected that the man should make the first move when it comes to romance?

1Morewineplease · 15/02/2020 07:50

Only 4 weeks yet he’s already only getting in touch with you when he wants something?!

I see a red flag here.

Upsiedasie · 15/02/2020 08:06

Maybe he’s not that into you? But maybe you aren’t that into him either - I assume you haven’t texted since monday either?

You need to have a conversation and if you don’t want to give him a lift, say you’re busy. I do agree the asking for a lift thing is a bit cheeky.

OneFootintheRave · 15/02/2020 08:12

Hi. Yep. It's the lift thing I'd be questioning. Not contacting since Monday and then wanting a lift? Would you both do anything together when you'd collected him? Is he doing things for you? I agree there could be a whiff of CF.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 15/02/2020 08:12

I appreciate that you didn't expect him to "mark" Valentine's Day with you, but your messages do seem to suggest (to me) that you are waiting for him to take some initiative? (As in, you weren't setting up a date, asking for a chat etc, but vaguely asking HIS plans).

It is very early days, but if you are already feeling frustrated and used, you either need to address it or call it a day. In your shoes, I wouldn't give him a lift tonight. I'd wait for an invitation to a date. And if the invitation didn't come soon, I'd move on. He could just be shy/hesitant/lazy, but if he isn't meeting your expectations, it is always going to be hard work, IMO.

Original poster
SprinklesandWinkles · 15/02/2020 08:18

I’m not waiting for him to text and arrange dates etc. We’ve got a date planned for next week, arranged by me.

I only haven’t text him since Monday because it’s usually me that initiates conversations and asks when he’s free so we can see each other. So thought I’d leave it to see if he’d contact me if I didn’t text first. Then felt stupid and like I was playing games so text him yesterday. But yes starting to see it shouldn’t be this hard so early on so might just let it go.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

OP posts:
TreatMyself · 15/02/2020 08:23

Did you give him a lift?

Definitely cheeky to not contact you all week and then expect a lift.

WhoWants2Know · 15/02/2020 08:25

Yeah, the early days are supposed to be the fun and exciting part. If it's that much work, it's not going to be worth the effort.

Nekoness · 15/02/2020 08:29

So he basically only gets in touch with you to get a lift. Every other time, you get in touch and ask him out. Er...

Michaelbaubles · 15/02/2020 08:32

It’s not playing games to wait and see if he initiated when you always do. It‘a bloody sensible! Otherwise you’re in a relationship and he’s just coming along for the ride.