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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I’m being used?

64 replies

SprinklesandWinkles · 15/02/2020 06:10

I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much from the beginning of a relationship or if this isn’t ok?

I’ve been seeing someone since the middle of January so around 4 weeks. The last time we spoke was Monday so I text him yesterday, this was the conversation;

Me: Happy Valentine’s Day x
Him: oh I didn’t realise it was valentines today, happy Valentine’s Day x
Me: are you doing anything tonight? X
Him: nothing much tbh x

Now I wasn’t expecting him to do anything with me and he already knew that because I have a long standing thing I do on a Friday which he knows about. Just thought we could have talked on the phone for a bit since we haven’t spoken all week. I didn’t bother replying to that message because it felt to me like a I can’t be bothered to talk to you kind of reply?

We spoke last week about not seeing other people so I don’t think he was planning on doing anything with someone else, though he might have been.

The thing is, he will text me later because he’ll want a lift home from work from me tonight. I’ll be going that way from work myself so it’s not really a big deal for me to drop him off. Would I be unreasonable to say something like if he’s expecting me to make an effort with us, he needs to be doing more than only bothering with me when he wants something? Or do I just say I’m going somewhere else tonight and can’t give him a lift?

OP posts:
petitepeach · 15/02/2020 08:34

You deserve better. Only 4 weeks he doesn’t text but wants you to give him lifts? Sounds like a user, you don’t have to keep trying.
If it doesn’t feel good & you are anxious, second guessing yourself after so little time move on xx

Sidge · 15/02/2020 08:40

So he makes no effort, doesn’t initiate any contact unless he wants a lift, you are the one arranging dates and to top it all off he claims he didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day yesterday?

What a load of shite. I would expect a lot more effort from someone early on in a relationship. Not necessarily dinner or flowers but at least some sort of contact!

He’s just not into you. Sack him off.

dottiedodah · 15/02/2020 08:46

Sorry but surely the beginning of a relationship is exactly the time to be celebrating Valentines Day? I think he is not that into you and is a CF to boot ! Maybe let this one go by? There are many more guys who will want to spoil you ,and make you feel special all year round .Also tonight (Sat) will be lots of people going out for V day as well .He sounds lukewarm and you want to meet someone who will be boiling over with enthusiasm for being with you !

Bunnyfuller · 15/02/2020 08:47

He’s just not that into you.

And I would just wait for him to initiate- it’s not playing games, it’s just not chasing him. If he likes you and wants to see you, he will.

You are entitled to say no to the lift! Rather than see this as an excuse to be with him more, see what happens if you say no, can’t do tonight.

MashedSpud · 15/02/2020 08:53

He seems a bit like a potential cock lodger. He claims not to know it was valentines, doesn’t message you through the week then messages you when he wants a lift.

You sound more like an Uber than a gf.

user1494055864 · 15/02/2020 08:56

I would definitely pretend to be doing something else tonight, a favour for a relative maybe, so you are unable to give him a lift. Then see if he contacts you after that.

Spotsandstars · 15/02/2020 08:58

Hmmm not sure if he sounds that into you actually? Normally in the beginning people make more effort to message more/see each more etc. He seems a bit unbothered?

idontlike789 · 15/02/2020 09:00

He's just not that into you , call it a day and move on .

pumpkinpie01 · 15/02/2020 09:06

If he hadn't been in touch all week not even with. ' you had a good day ?' then asks for a lift I would bin him off.

MsVestibule · 15/02/2020 09:08

I think you're absolutely right to let this one go. It wasn't until I'd been dating for nearly 20 years that I realised ALL of the relationships that went somewhere were just easy at the beginning - none of this 'why hasn't he phoned/texted/does he like me?' stuff. They phoned when they said they would, I didn't feel I was chasing them. And not ONE of the 'does he like me/should I phone him/why hasn't he texted?' etc went anywhere at all.

Unfortunately, by the time I'd realised this, I'd met DH 🙄.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 15/02/2020 09:08

Sorry but surely the beginning of a relationship is exactly the time to be celebrating Valentines Day?

This.

CoraPirbright · 15/02/2020 09:18

4 weeks in and no contact (unless initiated by you) from Monday to Saturday?? Then you know he will get in touch because he wants a lift?

Next!!

Stephminx · 15/02/2020 09:18

In and of itself, that text conversation is a non issue. He knows you are busy on that night so why would he be initiating a lengthy conversation with you ? If you wanted one, talk to him. Based on that alone I’d find you hard work if I were him and if you made a thing out of it after only 4 weeks.

However, if he only texts when he wants something and you always initiate dates, contact etc... I’d say he’s not that into you and I’d not bother with him.

fedup21 · 15/02/2020 09:21

Yes, it sounds like he’s using you.

Nousernameforme · 15/02/2020 09:26

4 weeks into a new relationship and I hadn't heard from them for 5 days, not even a how are you, good morning text. I would be getting pretty clear signals that they weren't interested.

Don't do the thing where you become grateful for any crumb of interaction he throws at you.

Original poster
SprinklesandWinkles · 15/02/2020 11:28

@Stephminx I wasn’t expecting a lengthy conversation but even a have you had a good week/ good day or I’m watching a film/ playing a game/ going out I think would have been better than just ‘nothing much’. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but it came across like ‘I’m not doing anything but don’t want to spend any time talking to you either’, it was like he just closed down the conversation. And I don’t think I’m being hard work to expect more from that if that’s the only contact we had all week?

Yes as others have said I think I’ve been using the lifts as a way to spend more time with him. But I have a feeling he’s not really that interested in me so I’ll say no to the lift tonight and leave texting again to see if he gets in touch or not.

OP posts:
Stephminx · 15/02/2020 11:53

@sprinklesandwinkles

But he thought you were busy / going out ? If the situation were reversed and I knew someone was going out, I’d assume they were getting ready, having tea etc... and were busy. My point is I’d not start a conversation under those circumstances even if I was bored and/or not spoken to them for a bit. I’d maybe wait until after they were back in.

And 4 weeks is still quite casual - I know people say early days in honeymoon phase etc but it’s still very early so I’d not be expecting (or indeed investing) too much in this kind of arrangement, particularly if you rarely see each other.

HisBetterHalf · 15/02/2020 11:55

he sounds like he is not bothered. Don't give him a lift the CF

HopeYouStepOnALego · 15/02/2020 12:03

Sounds like you're doing all the running in this relationship OP. You're the one texting, you're the one arranging dates and he remembers to call when he wants a lift. I'd cut my losses and find someone who can be bothered to make a bit of effort.

UnaCorda · 15/02/2020 12:21

Him: oh I didn’t realise it was valentines today

Utter bollocks.

he’s just coming along for the ride

Quite literally.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/02/2020 12:21

I don’t think the failure to acknowledge Valentines Day after dating for just four weeks means anything: way too early for that even if you are into it.

I think asking you for lifts is a bit of a cheek. I’d try refusing them and see if he stays in touch.

Original poster
SprinklesandWinkles · 15/02/2020 12:25

@Stephminx I understand that, but I initiated the conversation and asked if he was doing anything so doesn’t that indicate I’m wanting to/ have time for at least a little chat? If I hadn’t text yesterday we’d now be on Saturday with no conversation at all since Monday.

I’m not bothered at all about not doing anything for Valentine’s Day, I wasn’t expecting to. It just happened to be the day that I text and that was all the conversation I got from him which just felt a bit like what’s the point in making a effort if that’s all I’m getting back?

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 15/02/2020 12:27

He is making the least effort possible. Why settle for that?

damnthatanxiety · 15/02/2020 12:29

I think it is odd. Long ago when I was single and dating, the beginning was when it was all magic and fireworks and couldn't think straight...maybe I was just weird.

Christmaspug · 15/02/2020 12:43

Ok
So if you were sleeping together,and he didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day ,that’s shit
If your not sleeping together,because you are still getting to know each other. I’d still expect more than him just texting for a lift home.
My husband made the most effort in the early days ,if this is his best ,I’d not be impressed

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