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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I have to talk to ex when he is on video chat with toddler

103 replies

byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 18:38

My kid is 2.5 I’ve moved in with family across the country. My ex messages me nearly everyday Ranging from chit chat to him threatening me/intermediating me, I’ve asked him to leave me alone right now I just can’t handle it.

He wants to speak to kid more which is fine twice a week rather than once, so they spoke today...I had a crappy day I can not face him after his recent chats so I pop toddler in front of chat and busy myself nearby folding clothes etc.

I directed kid back to screen, put filters on to keep amusement etc but didn’t actually speak to ex.

I got these messages after
Ex: Must admit found it a little odd you didn't want to be on screen today, not even to say hello.
Me:It’s contact between you and kid not you and me.
Ex: Wow, ok. Never said you had to.
But let's consider what message you are giving kid by ignoring.

Background he is emotionally and financially abusive, when I arrived at my mums I had lost 3 stone July-December because I was starving.
I had asked him for space last week and to only talk about kid for now.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 15/02/2020 11:20

He is still trying to control and abuse what an arsehole, you are not his to control. Well done you for facilitating the chat you don't have to speak to him at all. I read an article about trauma bonding the other day it was about how an abused persons "chemistry" is addicted to the good and bad things an abusers does or says, so you getting ordinary then nasty messages from hi m is what keeps you attached you need to break that cycle you are not his wife or his friend you only need to speak to him in an emergency or if it is about your kid,

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 15/02/2020 11:24

He’s doing this because he is abusive, he really doesn’t give a shit about his child by the sound of it. He wants to see you, speak to you, because he’s trying to maintain control.

I left my abusive ex numerous times but the final time I ceased all contact with him- completely grey rocked him and served him papers to hash out all child related issues through court. It’s obviously more complicated than that but yeah, without going into detail the most effective way of dealing with this type of abuse seems to be ignoring them and showing that you call the shots. Can you block his number in between times he video chats with your toddler? So set times you unblock him and then block him after? Or use a different phone for those calls?

Wallywobbles · 15/02/2020 12:10

Please get us much as you can documented either by doctor or police. Never stop.

AngelsSins · 15/02/2020 12:36

I do think yabu. Its bloody hard work and fairly pointless trying to video chat with a 2.5yr old without adult input

Well he should have fucking thought about that before he tortured OP shouldn’t he? But god forbid men have to face the consequences of their disgusting behaviour huh?

I’m so angry on your behalf OP, he’s absolute scum. The good news is, his control over you now is only happening because you allow it, you’ve been conditioned to accept it, to put his demands above your needs, but you can free yourself from that now, you’ve already done the hardest part.

You don’t have to engage with him anymore, be a robot as far as he’s concerned, yes and no answers only to questions relating to the child, don’t answer anything else. Let him have his little tantrums, call you names, threaten you, tell you you’re a bad mum and whatever else he spits out, because who cares what he thinks? You can ignore it all. You could get another phone and keep this one just for him so that you only need to check it occasionally.

You’ve been incredibly strong to leave, to take your life back and realise you deserve better than these weak, pathetic little man. Don’t stop now. X

billy1966 · 15/02/2020 12:45

You poor woman.
He is abusive scum.
I wouldn't engage in any way.

Could you block him and insist all contact through an email account specifically for this purpose.
Flowers

Mrsjayy · 15/02/2020 13:00

Tbf you did engage you put filters on and made the chat better for your toddler you just didn't say anything to him which is fine isn't it?

SmileEachDay · 15/02/2020 13:05
Marmalady75 · 15/02/2020 14:30

You have already proved that you are a strong woman. Keep going - you and your dc deserve a good life without this abusive twat in it!

girlywhirly · 15/02/2020 14:48

I think the idea of the pre-recorded video is good, OP can be out of shot prompting the conversation when necessary, and it means that she can send it and he will receive without having to have set times that he can keep changing at will. He cannot interact admittedly, but this is protective for the op and he also cannot ask leading questions of the DC. As they grow and understand more language, they shouldn’t be exposed to anything like that given the abuse. Also he won’t be able to claim that OP cut him off from the DC completely.

This is more than he deserves, but frankly if one day you have to tell your DC about it, you can say you did your best. Especially if he finally takes the case to court, although you say that seems unlikely due to his debt.

MzHz · 15/02/2020 15:02

He’s using the child as a tool to continue his abuse of you.

No more videos, it’s clear why, he wants YOU to engage so he can check up on you. It’s intrusive.

Just let the calls and texts go unanswered

He gives you nothing, he has nothing kind to offer your child

Take control by not answering calls or texts and no videos.

Marmalady75 · 15/02/2020 15:16

Could you have another family member sit with your dc for the calls? That way you don’t even have to be in the room.

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 16/02/2020 15:40

He just doesn’t stop he’s now going on about setting up a savings account for dc, (he’s not paying maintenance...yet btw) because himself and “people” most likely the woman he had sex with when we were together want to put money for dc when they turn 18. Any savings account would be under his control.

OP posts:
Original poster
byebyeboyee · 16/02/2020 15:42

Dc actually has a account already that a family member set up so I said I would give him the details but apparently the “people” won’t find this acceptable and he has to set it up. This involves me giving him all dc details which I am not currently willing to give as I don’t know what he might do with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
byebyeboyee · 16/02/2020 15:49

I told him that they can just wait until dc is 18 then it’s not like the account would even occur interest as I did look at few but it’s only investments ones that make money children ones don’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
byebyeboyee · 16/02/2020 15:51

His last message is such classic abuser... Well it's not just (name of ex bff he had sex with), a lot of our friends here want the best dc. It's a shame you can't see the advantage a long term investment would be for our dc.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 16/02/2020 16:34

Funny my Ex wanted to set up a savings account for my DS but not pay maintenance..

I told him he was welcome to but is also liable to pay maintenance as our DS isn't going to cost nothing to raise till he is 18..He pays maintenance through cms and never has set up a savings account.

Nameisthegame · 16/02/2020 16:39

Sounds like he’s just grasping at straws trying to pull you back in with a “savings account” my ex tried the same in leu of maintenance as I can’t be trusted 🤣

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 16/02/2020 16:42

@Starlight456 @Nameisthegame is amazing how predictable and pathetic these guys are do they get some sort of knob notebook 📓 with arsehole tips and tricks?

OP posts:
MzHz · 16/02/2020 17:44

Honestly just send him the bank details of the one that’s set up and block

He doesn’t need to set up another account, he could set up a savings account in his own name and put money by...

But he won’t do that because where is the narcissistic fuel for him.

You don’t need the contact, your child isn’t benefiting from it, so stop it.

MzHz · 16/02/2020 17:45

My ex is exactly the same and there is no gain from having anything to do with him. My ds is a teen now and literally every opportunity to get this shit even halfway right he’s completely fucked up.

MzHz · 16/02/2020 17:46

He being the ex, clearly

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 16/02/2020 17:51

Yeah I’m just ignoring since it’s a shame I can’t understand the benefits....yeah apparently he doesn’t want it in his name 🧐 I think it’s a toss between trying to control me and wanting dc details which I’m currently holding on to after he threatened to take dc to the U.K. when I refused to visit his family when he was was working there for two months...(he said my mum was selfish and a bitch for not paying for the tickets even though he would apparently pay her back)

OP posts:
Motacilla · 16/02/2020 18:00

Well done for holding strong and being wise to him @byebyeboyee - it can't be easy but it sounds like you are doing a great job. I wouldn't be surprised if he has more tricks up his sleeves.

MeridianB · 16/02/2020 18:20

Oh wow. He’s vile. Well done for being so strong, OP. You’re doing brilliantly.

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 16/02/2020 18:20

@Motacilla yeah I’m sure there will be something else if anything else happens I’m going to tell him I am only reachable on FB on his contact days and he contact me on my mobile otherwise which can be used in court.

OP posts:
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