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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have to talk to ex when he is on video chat with toddler

103 replies

byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 18:38

My kid is 2.5 I’ve moved in with family across the country. My ex messages me nearly everyday Ranging from chit chat to him threatening me/intermediating me, I’ve asked him to leave me alone right now I just can’t handle it.

He wants to speak to kid more which is fine twice a week rather than once, so they spoke today...I had a crappy day I can not face him after his recent chats so I pop toddler in front of chat and busy myself nearby folding clothes etc.

I directed kid back to screen, put filters on to keep amusement etc but didn’t actually speak to ex.

I got these messages after
Ex: Must admit found it a little odd you didn't want to be on screen today, not even to say hello.
Me:It’s contact between you and kid not you and me.
Ex: Wow, ok. Never said you had to.
But let's consider what message you are giving kid by ignoring.

Background he is emotionally and financially abusive, when I arrived at my mums I had lost 3 stone July-December because I was starving.
I had asked him for space last week and to only talk about kid for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 21:58

The more I read online the more I’m thinking he chatting bollocks and trying to bully me.

OP posts:
Schuyler · 14/02/2020 22:08

YANBU and I have zero sympathy for him, only disgust. You don’t have to see things from his abusive, manipulative perspective. You definitely don’t need to speak to this man. He’s lucky you’re being so supportive in facilitating contact after what he did to you!
You did a brave thing by getting away, keep on being strong and keeping those boundaries. You’re doing a good job. Flowers

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 22:14

Thank you @schuyler I really needs that especially today. His passive aggressive happy Valentine’s Day hope your having a good day. He’s constantly messing with my head I am definitely going to grey rock him.

OP posts:
Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 22:37

I honestly think he might be crazy, he just sent me a link to a video about house (show) that’s condensed...not opening the message but really wtf

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 14/02/2020 22:47

Fair enough. I was just assuming he was keen to have more contact with child. Hadn't really thought of it as a way to control you as well.

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 22:57

He can talk to dc more that’s fine (as long as not unreasonable time/with more notice) I don’t want to speak to him or be forced to change my plans (if not on set day).

I grew up with a dad who didn’t want me so leaving was my last resort I cohabitate for a year to facilitate this. (We broke up because he slept with our housemate who was our best friend just before dc birthday) tbf relationship was crap before that happened.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 14/02/2020 23:12

Last week I was 10 minutes late to a family lunch where everyone was waiting downstairs as he wouldn’t stop.

You’re in charge. You just do a ‘Bye, must fly’. Turn off the chat/computer.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/02/2020 23:14

He is still trying to abuse you , and succeeding by the sounds of it
He is your ex . Google grey rock , boundaries and ignore ignore ignore
Fucking bell end he is

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 23:18

I wish I had, I think after starving being malnourished and having a horrible dental abcess etc I’m finally starting to recover and get my backbone again.

I’m used to doing what he says, and when I said I was going out and he was kicking off he drew me in because I felt I had to explain myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 23:22

I’m grey rocking all the way I’ve done it successfully twice once with my abusive stepfather and with my (ex) best friend he slept with.

I need to be strong I’m only just understanding it was abuse.

OP posts:
SnowyRacoon · 14/02/2020 23:45

@MeridianB the ex misses his child, he is trying to maintain a relationship long distance with his child so yes I do feel sorry for him, and I would hope for their child's best interest they could continue this.

SnowyRacoon · 14/02/2020 23:48

@PanamaPattie stop all contact? No that's not in the best interest of the child only the OP. She needs to work with him even if he is abusive. The child comes first. She is in another country so safe.

PerkyPomPoms · 15/02/2020 00:03

Snowy she is working with him but he is trying to co trip her by changing days and times and drawing her into the kiddies chat time

PerkyPomPoms · 15/02/2020 00:03

Co trip? Control! Stupid autocorrect

Tillygetsit · 15/02/2020 01:19

I got the impression that they were both in the same country but not UK is that tight, OP?
You're more accommodating than me. I'd tell him to fuck off and take me to court for access. He's abusive and shouldn't have the right to see his child. Cant believe some people here think otherwise.

Starlight456 · 15/02/2020 09:03

Someone who abuses the mum to the point she is ill malnourished is not a good dad.

I come less and less to the Lp board because there are so many stupid comments that because two people have a baby together the woman has to continue to be abused for the benefit of the child ????

Sparrowlegs248 · 15/02/2020 09:34

I do think yabu. Its bloody hard work and fairly pointless trying to video chat with a 2.5yr old without adult input.

Winterwoollies · 15/02/2020 09:43

@Nottalotta did you read any of this thread before making that comment?! ANY OF IT?!

Sparrowlegs248 · 15/02/2020 09:47

Yes, I did. You don't have to engage in the unnecessary chat. You can just say "we have to go now, bye" you can stick to the dates and times. I think a 2.5 yr old needs some adult interaction from Ops end when talking on a video chat. Or at least that or what I found in a very similar situation.

Littlewelshridinghood · 15/02/2020 09:49

Stop responding to messages that have nothing to do with your DC. YANBU for not wanting to speak to him, your obligation to your DC starts and ends with ensuring DC has contact with Dad, you are not obliged in any way shape or form to be involved during their contact hours. Your ex is an absolute bellend!

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 15/02/2020 10:36

When you put her on chat, make sure she has her back against a plain wall. If he can see you, he can try and control you. If it is just his child and a wall, you don't give him his feed. Right now he sees you in your space.
He simply is not important enough for you to engage with, he does not take up every inch of your day. He doesn't like that.
As another poster said, you are teaching your child about boundaries.

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 15/02/2020 11:07

@nottalotta I wasn’t far I did help dc engage with him with prompts put on filters to keep dc interested I just didn’t speak to him directly or be on screen.

Thank you everyone for your replies I’m going to continue only speaking to him if it involves dc and he isn’t harassing me. I’m just going to try and set myself and dc a good life.

OP posts:
Original poster
byebyeboyee · 15/02/2020 11:07

Yes it’s the same country for those who asked.

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 15/02/2020 11:16

@byebyeboyee I just found my 2 DC, similar age, struggled if left to it . I did it for them more than him. Try to stay firm with boundaries.

Motacilla · 15/02/2020 11:16

It will be hard to video chat with a child that young without an adult supporting the child but that shouldn't mean you have to let your abuser control you.

It is fine for you not to talk to him, as your child gets older it will get easier but in the mean time that is his problem not yours as your child isn't going to get upset about it.

If you are feeling up to it then you could send pre-recorded videos that you have supported your child in making and/or suggest to your ex that if they want to record themselves reading a bedtime story you will play it to your child but that is something that should remain in your control, if you feel uncomfortable you are well in your rights to stop.

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