Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have to talk to ex when he is on video chat with toddler

103 replies

byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 18:38

My kid is 2.5 I’ve moved in with family across the country. My ex messages me nearly everyday Ranging from chit chat to him threatening me/intermediating me, I’ve asked him to leave me alone right now I just can’t handle it.

He wants to speak to kid more which is fine twice a week rather than once, so they spoke today...I had a crappy day I can not face him after his recent chats so I pop toddler in front of chat and busy myself nearby folding clothes etc.

I directed kid back to screen, put filters on to keep amusement etc but didn’t actually speak to ex.

I got these messages after
Ex: Must admit found it a little odd you didn't want to be on screen today, not even to say hello.
Me:It’s contact between you and kid not you and me.
Ex: Wow, ok. Never said you had to.
But let's consider what message you are giving kid by ignoring.

Background he is emotionally and financially abusive, when I arrived at my mums I had lost 3 stone July-December because I was starving.
I had asked him for space last week and to only talk about kid for now.

OP posts:
headlicehelp · 14/02/2020 19:43

Ignore him. If he bothers you again tell him you are only willing to communicate about dc.

slipperywhensparticus · 14/02/2020 19:44

Offer him a fixed day every week and if he demands more and it doesnt suit then it doesnt suit dont be late for dinner because of him get a countdown timer "for the child" and put it in plain sight when it goes ping it's time for food bye bye 👋👋

PanamaPattie · 14/02/2020 19:44

He doesn't have rights, he has responsibilities. Stop all video contact. Stop phone calls. He can't bully you if you don't respond. He doesn't care about DC. He only wants to control you.

PerkyPomPoms · 14/02/2020 19:48

Set a fixed day and don’t engage. Who cares about the message you’re sending- the kid is too young to notice!

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/02/2020 19:48

You don’t need to facilitate anything that isn’t court ordered.

girlywhirly · 14/02/2020 19:50

What rights does he have? I hope that you have written records of every time he messes you about over the video chat. Also the subtle manipulation, showing your child the toys left behind at his, saying you should consider the message you are giving DC by ignoring him.

He does not dictate when the video chat happens, if he can’t commit to a set time that is his problem. Talk to the people at the women’s centre and find out for certain what is ‘rights’ are and do not give him any more than the bare minimum, because a man who can treat his child’s mother the way he treated you should consider the message he was giving to that child, by his cruelty.

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 19:53

I’m going to ask them if I can use a screen recorder app.

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 14/02/2020 19:57

Well, you're doing better than I would in facilitating video chats at all, which effectively allows him to invade your space.

"Not even to say hello?"
Fuck right off! Why on God's earth would you want to say hello to him? Angry

Winterwoollies · 14/02/2020 19:58

@converseandjeans how can you pity a man that abused and controlled the mother of his child? He made his bed, now he can lie in it. He’s still trying to control and abuse her from a distance. This doesn’t appear to be stemming from a desire to converse with his child, more to get under the skin of his former victim.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 14/02/2020 20:11

Personally, if he was being that much of a twat I would block his number and go non-contact until he got a court order forcing me to allow him to talk to the kid, that way all the dates/times would be properly organised and he could either keep the contact times or cancel them but not mess you around like this. Can you get a burner/pay as you go phone and put your old SIM in it and turn it off, setting aside a 30 min window at the end of each day to check it for messages from him, and turn it off religiously at the exact end of that 30 minutes? Then get a new SIM to give a new phone number to everyone else you know so you are in control of how and when he talks to you and he can't keep diverting you from the other things you need your phone for. Every minute you waste texting that git or reading his bombardment of messages is a minute you could have spent playing with your little one, and I bet that would be more fun and soul-nourishing.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 14/02/2020 20:12

(substitute "30 mins each day" for the amount of time/frequency of your choosing)

Starlight456 · 14/02/2020 20:20

My experience- ignore everything that is not about the kids.

Offer set times .

Ignore the ignorant who have no idea how abusive men behave.

AdaColeman · 14/02/2020 20:27

I agree about setting a suitable regular day and time for his contact each week. It should be him who makes the effort to contact the child, not you kowtowing to his demands.
The routine of set days and times for contact will be good for the child, but more than that, it will show you how committed he is to maintaining a relationship with his child. Keep a detailed record of the contacts, to prove that you have provided them and when he has failed to comply!

fastliving · 14/02/2020 20:39

What a nasty arsehole.
He was no right to talk to you - just grey him - hopefully one day he will get bored.
I'm glad you are safely abroad.

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 20:50

We’re in the same country sadly. Yeah it was fixed Sunday but then request s for more when he wanted it so I’ve nailed it in stone to Wednesday as well. I’m just in no mood at all for him we were fighting about maintenance he was offering 100 a month about 90 pounds I said (and can’t pay last two months) it was too little.

He’s now saying he will put it in savings for dc 🧐 so atleast he knows where the money is going.

OP posts:
Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 20:50

I’d rather pay him 100 a month to never speak again

OP posts:
BlueJava · 14/02/2020 20:54

YANBU to not engage with him. The contact is for him and DC, not you. That sounds a very difficult situation as he seems pretty controlling from what you say. Keep going OP and breathe!

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 20:54

He hasn’t even told me where he lives after we were evicted (I left while he was at work a week before eviction).

He seems to suffer from dickhead amnesia with a mild case of gaslighting.

OP posts:
Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 20:56

He searches mumsnet for posts that look like they are by me.

OP posts:
Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 20:59

So I’ve felt pretty isolated. Most of my friends don’t talk to me, I worked at the same place as him and when I told my boss I quit he told my ex (they’re friends) the further detached I get the worse everything is

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 14/02/2020 21:03

Leave her alone you massive, horrible bully.

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 21:03

Was not is. I used to collect the food toddler threw on the floor and eat it. I think he was stealing money from me too as I had 50 go missing. Right before I left (he didn’t know I was going) I invited him to eat out with us but said I didn’t have much cash classic abuser he ordered food twice as expensive as me then said he didn’t have enough money but only beer money for his mates he was meeting after.

OP posts:
Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 21:04

@smileeachday feel free to give him all the fingers!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/02/2020 21:37

Do you live in a country like UK where you can use CMS?

Original poster
byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 21:56

Only if it goes to court it could get very messy and cost about 6k but on the other hand he has a lot of debt and can’t afford to use a lawyer.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread