To think marrying a rich person does not mean you've 'done well for yourself'?

[BringOnTheBotox]

A woman I know has three daughters, all in their early twenties.

The middle daughter got married extremely young to a man twenty years older than her, who is wealthy.

The mum is constantly talking about how her daughter has 'done well for herself' in life.

I disagree that she has done well for herself; she hasn't got any qualifications above GCSE level, she had no career (worked part time in fashion retail before meeting her husband), and makes no money of her own.

AIBU to think she hasn't done well for herself if all she has done is marry someone rich?

Fuck me there’s a lot of disgruntled buggers on here mind isn’t there. And OP a degree or further education isn’t the end all or be all. Very very judgemental IMO. Though I understand and partially agree with the tone of the post attacking her in some sense reeks of jealousy, and some of the comments too...

I think marrying for money is still seen as a career option by many women, and not just the ones with no qualifications. I remember reading about top American law school, the sort where every graduate is apparently guaranteed a starting salary of something like 150K, something like 90% of female graduates ended up marrying someone similar, and dropping out of work permanently to become SAHMS, within ten years of graduating. Apparently getting one of the most lucrative degrees and subsequent jobs was just a way to bag the right sort of man, for nearly all of them.

(No idea if this is just an American thing.)

Worked with one of these years ago. She was 18 and had been taken on, wasn't really bothered by the job, she announced she wouldn't 'need' a career as she was going to marry a rich man. Left a year later having net and moved in a guy 12 years older. Gave up work, married and had a child within the year. Her mum said she was proud of her determined daughter and what she wanted she always got, the daughter hasn't had a job since. I defriended on FB as I got fed up with bragging posts from exotic locations. Found it distasteful and cynical.

Apparently getting one of the most lucrative degrees and subsequent jobs was just a way to bag the right sort of man, for nearly all of them.

Maybe two top high earning careers where you're working all hours don't seem as attractive as one parent being home with dcs if there's enough money coming in? I very much doubt these women go into those sorts of careers to meet a man. Job share and Flexi options in the law aren't the norm I don't think.

Just 8 short years ago I heard a woman explain she was stretching her finances to privately educate her son but not her daughter as her daughter "can marry well"

(No idea if this is just an American thing.)

I think it's common in the UK too.

I agree completely OP. The irony of “done well for yourself” is laughable when in these circumstances they have done anything but!
The mother has got the mentality of - if you have money and a luxury lifestyle, you have made it to the top in life - doesn’t matter if you didn’t actually achieve it yourself.

For the law thing, those women (I know several) aren't doing it on purpose. To get into such competitive law schools you have to be seriously accomplished with exceptional marks throughout your entire academic career and a very high placement on the national standardized test.

The reality, though, is threefold: first, those $200k starting year salaries come with an 80-hour workweek; second, law firms are built like pyramids, with relatively few equity partners making many millions a year and a ton of grunts making $200k; and third, the competition provoked by both means that there's a serious process of winnowing.

This isn't conducive to having kids, and it's rarely the man who chooses to stay home (don't get me started). It also means that there are lots of men who don't make it, but they tend to move to lateral positions at smaller lawfirms. They'll never make the per-partner share of $6.5 million/year (that's the current at Wachtell), but they'll very easily make 400-500k, which is good living.

(In other words, it's not what they used to call an MRS degree--which was a horribly sexist way of saying that female undergrads were only going to school to get married.)

I wouldn't like my 18yo daughter to marry a man 20 years older than her.
I know it's her life but on the other hand, so young. Uni and a career of her own, then house and settling down is a better route imo.

She's materially at the end goal and I assume protected re marriage so it should be ok, but still at great risk. And who wants to always keep priming your body to maintain his standard of perfection. Not my ideal way of living.

I agree. If her marriage ends she will be lumbered with the kids and won’t have a career of her own to fall back on, she doesn’t even have qualifications to gain a decent career. She has married a wealthy man, not necessarily a kind man.

Well, she's got access to a lot of wealth and material stability which wouldn't have been likely if she had remained single so I can sort of see her mum's point of view even if it does raise my feminist hackles

This.

Better than working for a living isn't it?

Oh, she's working.

Look, assuming she hasn't signed a prenup or married someone with hidden offshore assets...she's achieved a life of financial comfort and stability for herself and her children. Not a choice I would make but all power to her 🤷‍♀️.

When my DD was about three, we were at a winery having a tasting, and for some reason DD's champagne tastes came up (the kid could smell smoked salmon and brie at fifty paces). The young woman behind the counter said, to her, in all seriousness, 'well you're going to have to marry well, aren't you?' I mean really?!

It is irritating. My mum says it all the time about a cousin of mine who married a millionaire and now spends her whole life flaunting it on social media. I meanwhile went to university and now work incredibly hard as a teacher in a deprived area. I like to think I am giving far more back to society and supporting myself.

She’s chosen well for the lifestyle she wants at the moment.

PettyContractor you’re making dubious and sexist assumptions for the reasons behind that stat. (A source would be good too!) US law is hardly an equal opportunities sector, there is no maternity leave, and the “motherhood penalty” at work can be huge, for example. Lots of reasons why top women law graduates quit the field.

I also thought 'Bennet' when I read this - a story from the days when girls had to prostitute themselves (with a certificate) or starve, which is why I have always hated the book.

same as beauty isn't an achievement, marrying rich isn't either.

Very much agree. She may well regret it in the future.

Flufferbum would you want this for your daughters? (If you have them).

Having to maintain yourself like an upmarket car at risk of losing your security?

Thought not...

If that is what she wanted, she HAS done well. Women should have choice, not have to be brain surgeons, anymore than they should have to be housewives.

But don’t lots of people have this attitude?

Otherwise, why do so many women judge women on benefits, when most women couldn’t financially support their own children on their own salary?

The wealth of your partner is part of how well you’ve done for yourself.

If you’ve married someone very wealthy and had two kids with them, even in the event of divorce you will end up with some money towards a house and part of the pension. So you have done well for yourself financially compared to a whole load of women who are in poverty.

If they are married and there is no pre nup then I suppose they have! They will always be well off and looked after. Yes I do feel some jealously from that!

I agree with you but still feel people will say it though as they will see it that way. That she married into good stock or made the right choices in life regardless on if he's older, uglier etc people can't see past the money

It's really old fashioned.
Name, why wouldn't you expect women to work?

Sick of rain if your ambition in life is to marry a rich man then surely it suggests a lack of independence, a lack of faith in your abilities to provide for yourself and a lack of respect for any future partner. I'm not going to say that's OK.