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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say something to DH?

57 replies

Gemm83 · 14/02/2020 10:33

First and foremost, I understand that to some this may come across as a bit petty, but it's been eating away at me for the past few months and this morning was the last straw. I am fully prepared for "get over yourself" replies, but here goes.

I admit DH does long hours almost always 12 hour days. However, he has decided that this is ALL he needs to do.

I am currently on mat leave with 7 month old and have another 5 year old.

DH can't cook. Literally could burn toast. We have never lived in a property with a dishwasher at our disposal so the agreement has always been I cook, he washes.

Well over the past 8 months he has decided that he won't do the washing up and leaves it for me to do in the morning. In the past if he has had a hard day I would say "Oh leave the washing up, I will do it in the morning". He now expects it everyday and it's really pissing me off.

To put into context he gets up, gets himself ready and walks out the door. Even when he has a later start and the kids are already up and I'm running around like a fart in a trance. Washing on, washing put away housework etc all gets done. Kids are fed, bathed by the time he comes in and I read eldest a bedtime story and give bed bottle and put down to youngest whilst he showers and makes his lunch. I then make dinner and he (almost inevitably) sits down with a can (or 4) of cider. By 9pm I'm almost always cream crackered so go to bed. When I wake up in the morning I come down to him gone and all of last nights washing still there. This morning it was a saucepan of congealed spaghetti, frying pan of welded on mince and bowls etc. Just piled up on the side. I could have cried.

I should also add that whilst he does work long hours 3 out of 4 weekends he goes to the football so he can have a bit of "me time" so it's not as if all he does is work.

AIBU to ask him if he just forgets or assumes that because I am in all day I should be doing it? I hardly ever go out as I'm constantly trying to keep on top of the house otherwise I get the "pull your weight" lectures from in laws.

Thoughts??

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2020 10:36

He’s living like a single man with a free housekeeper. Not okay.

What was he like when you were working before maternity leave?

Whynosnowyet · 14/02/2020 10:37

Get a cleaner and give him her invoice.

puds11 · 14/02/2020 10:40

I don’t buy that anyone cannot cook. If you weren’t there he wouldn’t starve to death. He just can’t be arsed if you’re going to do it.

He’s treating you like a house keeper, not a partner. Just because he earns a wage doesn’t mean his time is more valuable.

Drum2018 · 14/02/2020 10:42

Tell him that he needs to pull his weight at home when things need doing that cannot be done during the day - like the dinner dishes. He doesn't get to switch off just because he's worked all day. The kids can't be switched off at his finishing time so why should he get to be a lazy slob while you have to continue housework? He should be involved in getting them ready for bed. Kids don't need a bath every day so cut that out to claw back some time for yourself. He can put them up to bed and then have his shower while you get dinner. You can both sit and eat dinner and then either he washes up or you do it together so that you can both sit down and relax at the same time.

Ponoka7 · 14/02/2020 10:43

What was the agreement about that and the football before you got pregnant?

I think you need to tell him that you need more support while your youngest is such hard work.

Curiosity101 · 14/02/2020 10:47

It really doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable. It certainly wouldn't fly in our house.

I'm on mat leave at the moment and the rule in our house is that I do 100% of child / house care whilst he's at work and we do 50:50 when he's not. During the day whilst he's at work I get the majority of housework done so he doesn't have to do much in evenings and weekends. However there are still the daily evening tasks which he does his fair share of like: helping clear up after dinner, wiping the sides down, doing the bedtime feed, putying the steriliser on etc.

I'm not going to be on maternity leave forever so I figure that we need to be in the 50:50 routine ready for me going back.

We also talk about / negotiate time out where one parent goes to have some 'me time'. It's never expected on either side but there are very few times either of us have felt the need to say no to the other cause we share the effort very evenly.

Admittedly we're only 5 1/2 months in and only have one baby but I'd hope this would continue if we had more.

I'd politely tell your in-laws to mind their own business too. But perhaps this is where his attitude / opinion has come from?

HopeYouStepOnALego · 14/02/2020 10:47

Sorry, are you saying his parents lecture you about pulling your weight if the housework sometimes doesn't all get done? Sod that for a lark! They need to mind their own business and butt out of your relationship.

Curiosity101 · 14/02/2020 10:49

Just to add - the only thing my husband doesn't do when he's at home during the week is night feeds / getting up to settle the baby if the baby wakes up. He does do them Friday / Saturday nights though cause he doesn't have work the next day.

I can catch up on sleep during the day so it didn't seem fair for him to have broken sleep unnecessarily.

Shoxfordian · 14/02/2020 10:50

Your inlaws need to be telling him to pull his weight, not you. He's still living like a single man, and he needs to step up

Winter2020 · 14/02/2020 10:50

Is there any way you can get a dishwasher. It was life-changing for us. There was always a heap of pots by the sink in the evening now they are all popped in the dishwasher through the day and it is put on in the evening. Emptied in the morning. If you possibly can then I would get one.

CakeandCustard28 · 14/02/2020 10:53

Insist he buys you a dish washer. That or stop washing his clothes, cooking for him etc.

FizzyIce · 14/02/2020 10:54

His excuse of working long hours is bullshit .
We both work ft but my dh leaves the house just before 6am and doesn’t get home till 7pm , he is always working , even once we are in bed and at weekends as he’s constantly replying to work emails .. and yet he still sorts the washing up or loads the dishwasher straight after dinner every night as I do the cooking .
Say something to him and stand your ground.
“I’m tired” is a piss poor excuse

Grumpos · 14/02/2020 11:02

what would hurt me is that he simply doesn’t mind / consider / care enough about me to give me a bit of a break sometimes. That my partner, the person who is meant to love me and support me more than anyone else is more than happy to see me run into the ground with mundane, soul destroying housework day after day after day.
He does not care about your welfare, it’s as simple as that. How the housework / childcare is generally split is going to vary from family to family and there isn’t a right or wrong, it’s what works for you assuming everyone is happy and respected. But even then there will be times where the balance is out and one will happily pick up a little extra to help the other out, take the strain etc. They don’t need to be asked and they do it unprompted because that’s what decent people do.
Your partner is either massively stupid and blind to your cause or he just simply does not cAre about your welfare and is happy to live just how he wants.

saraclara · 14/02/2020 11:03

To be entirely fair, if I was doing 12 hour days plus most weekends, and was with a SAHF, I'd hope not to be doing much in the way of housework. Not because I didn't value my partner, but because that's a seriously knackering week, and any previous spare time would ideally be shared between time with the kids, couple time, and destressing (I think going to the football would count).

Helping with washing up isn't a huge commitment though. And I'd be paying for anything that would help lift the load on my partner - a cleaner for instance? Garden maintenance?

But helping with the walking up

TheDizzyRascal · 14/02/2020 11:05

Christ no, this isn't fair at all. My husband works 12 hour days starting at 4am on a morning, he still does the school run, kids tea and dishwasher, often puts a wash on, he's knackered but wouldn't use that as an excuse to not muck in, I do the kids activities on weekends so he doesn't have to get up but I think that's only fair! I think if I was you I'd leave his washing up, don't do it, don't mention it, just keep leaving it until he mentions it and then you can shrug and say "it's not mine, why haven't you done it?" Also would be having an exchange of words with the inlaws, that would rile me the most! xx

saraclara · 14/02/2020 11:05

Previous= precious

AryaStarkWolf · 14/02/2020 11:09

That's not petty at all. He sounds really selfish, ungrateful and disrespectful. When do you get "me time"?

Blackandgreenteas · 14/02/2020 11:09

Well he shouldn’t have to do less than he’d do if he was working these hours and living alone , without kids, on the basis that you now have kids and there’s actually more to be done. That makes no sense. The only wage to gauge these things is the mumsnet fallback of “equal downtime”. It doesn’t sound as though you get that.

Original poster

Gemm83 · 14/02/2020 11:10

OK, so I'm not a whinny old cow then!! That's good!

Yes the in laws have said to my sister in law that I don't pull my weight.. She then told me (after sticking up for me)

OP posts:

theworstwife · 14/02/2020 11:13

Very similar set up with 5 year old at school and 10 month old. My DH is out 6am-6pm every day and I’m on mat leave for a couple more months. When he gets in he joins in with bathing the baby and then does bedtime with DS. Sometimes he cooks sometimes I do - same with washing up. I do superficial housework in the week and more gets done between us at the weekend.

He doesn’t expect me to be his maid and he he is with us at the weekend - we try and have equal time to ourselves but realistically young kids take time and effort and he wants to be with them as do I. Your DH doesn’t care you’re doing everything and he will come to expect that chores are your job. You need to talk to him about how you feel and what you would like to change. Fuck off the in laws - none of their business

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2020 11:15

Tell the in-laws to fuck off.

Tell him he starts pulling his weight at home or he can fuck off

He'd have to manage if you split.

Curiosity101 · 14/02/2020 11:18

Yes the in laws have said to my sister in law that I don't pull my weight

I would imagine this has to be where your husband's opinion has come from?

Good luck if you do decide to talk to him about it hopefully he sees reason once you explain how you're feeling.

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2020 11:18

@saraclara

How would you manage on your own And working?

Original poster

Gemm83 · 14/02/2020 11:25

Should add I'm back to work in a months time. Only part time though. Will be interesting to see if the washing up is done on my work days and not when I'm off!

OP posts:

Bluerussian · 14/02/2020 11:26

You're not in the least unreasonable. Your husband is very inconsiderate and rather arrogant to consider he doesn't have to do things at home. Also, his family should know nothing which would result in no comments.

I think I'd come to the end with someone like him unless he pulled his socks up. You do what is right for you but make sure you have all the details worked out.

(As an aside, can you not buy a dishwasher? You can get smalll and slimline ones.)

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