To say something to DH?

[Gemm83]

First and foremost, I understand that to some this may come across as a bit petty, but it's been eating away at me for the past few months and this morning was the last straw. I am fully prepared for "get over yourself" replies, but here goes.

I admit DH does long hours almost always 12 hour days. However, he has decided that this is ALL he needs to do.

I am currently on mat leave with 7 month old and have another 5 year old.

DH can't cook. Literally could burn toast. We have never lived in a property with a dishwasher at our disposal so the agreement has always been I cook, he washes.

Well over the past 8 months he has decided that he won't do the washing up and leaves it for me to do in the morning. In the past if he has had a hard day I would say "Oh leave the washing up, I will do it in the morning". He now expects it everyday and it's really pissing me off.

To put into context he gets up, gets himself ready and walks out the door. Even when he has a later start and the kids are already up and I'm running around like a fart in a trance. Washing on, washing put away housework etc all gets done. Kids are fed, bathed by the time he comes in and I read eldest a bedtime story and give bed bottle and put down to youngest whilst he showers and makes his lunch. I then make dinner and he (almost inevitably) sits down with a can (or 4) of cider. By 9pm I'm almost always cream crackered so go to bed. When I wake up in the morning I come down to him gone and all of last nights washing still there. This morning it was a saucepan of congealed spaghetti, frying pan of welded on mince and bowls etc. Just piled up on the side. I could have cried.

I should also add that whilst he does work long hours 3 out of 4 weekends he goes to the football so he can have a bit of "me time" so it's not as if all he does is work.

AIBU to ask him if he just forgets or assumes that because I am in all day I should be doing it? I hardly ever go out as I'm constantly trying to keep on top of the house otherwise I get the "pull your weight" lectures from in laws.

Thoughts??

@BarbaraofSeville

Financially yes we do need the hours, but I have had the exact same thought as you. Especially during the half term when he knows I have been driven to distraction most days!!

@CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt

Have you never heard of it before? Its a lovely saying!!

Thanks for all your input especially re the in-laws. They actually came up last night and my FIL came straight into the kitchen and asked for a wipe as there were finger prints all over the TV.... Obviously didn't polish yesterday! 🙄😂

Does he need to do 12 hour days or is he hiding at work?

I was about to say exactly this but BarbaraOfSeville got their first!

You need to nip this in the bud before you return after maternity leave.

Oh and "DH can't cook. Literally could burn toast. "
Bollocks! Of course he could cook if he had to. Naturally he will mess up if you try and make him just to demonstrate "Oh No poor me can't do this!" It's learned helplessness. Stop falling for it and insist he keeps trying. So what if he messes up and makes a foul tea! He has to suffer and eat it anyway but it doesn't get him out of cooking again the next time it is his turn and the next.

He doesn't work 3 out of 4 weekends - he goes to football 3 out of 4 weekends.

I'm always telling me children that if you can read and follow instructions...you can cook.

I'd never normally suggest this but...
Why don't you only make enough food for you to eat (feed children too of course) and tidy up after you? If questions arise you can make a comment like "oh I noticed you weren't washing up anymore so I'd figured our cooking/washing deal was finished" with a smile and then leave him to it!

I had to put in lots of effort with my DH around language. He'd say "I've done x, or z for you" and I'd say "for me? Don't you and the kids need x, y or z done? What would you do if I wasn't here?" And he realises that he's not doing it for me, he's doing it because it needs to be done.

Its very simple - he isn't bothering to wash up because it is less hassle for him to leave them and then you do them. So the answer is to make it worse for him to leave it. Each morning you come down to dirty dishes you do them but then eat your supper with the 5 year old and don't make him any. When he comes home explain that if he isn't going to wash up the supper dishes for you, you aren't going to make supper for him. That way you won't have any dishes to wash in the morning. I give it a week before he gets his arse back in gear.

If that was my DH them dishes would still be waiting for him this evening when he came home. Plus there would be no dinner ready for him either. Cant believe the cheek of your FIL!!!!

When I was on mat leave with my second (who was quite difficult) I'd do some washing in the day, clean up breakfast and lunch stuff, maybe hoover the kitchen since that's the room we live in.

When my husband got home (around 6) he'd entertain the kids while I cooked, he'd wash and clear up, we would put one kid each to bed, and we would both fold washing and tidy toys in the evening and then we'd both have a couple of hours relaxing together from about 8