To say something to DH?

[Gemm83]

First and foremost, I understand that to some this may come across as a bit petty, but it's been eating away at me for the past few months and this morning was the last straw. I am fully prepared for "get over yourself" replies, but here goes.

I admit DH does long hours almost always 12 hour days. However, he has decided that this is ALL he needs to do.

I am currently on mat leave with 7 month old and have another 5 year old.

DH can't cook. Literally could burn toast. We have never lived in a property with a dishwasher at our disposal so the agreement has always been I cook, he washes.

Well over the past 8 months he has decided that he won't do the washing up and leaves it for me to do in the morning. In the past if he has had a hard day I would say "Oh leave the washing up, I will do it in the morning". He now expects it everyday and it's really pissing me off.

To put into context he gets up, gets himself ready and walks out the door. Even when he has a later start and the kids are already up and I'm running around like a fart in a trance. Washing on, washing put away housework etc all gets done. Kids are fed, bathed by the time he comes in and I read eldest a bedtime story and give bed bottle and put down to youngest whilst he showers and makes his lunch. I then make dinner and he (almost inevitably) sits down with a can (or 4) of cider. By 9pm I'm almost always cream crackered so go to bed. When I wake up in the morning I come down to him gone and all of last nights washing still there. This morning it was a saucepan of congealed spaghetti, frying pan of welded on mince and bowls etc. Just piled up on the side. I could have cried.

I should also add that whilst he does work long hours 3 out of 4 weekends he goes to the football so he can have a bit of "me time" so it's not as if all he does is work.

AIBU to ask him if he just forgets or assumes that because I am in all day I should be doing it? I hardly ever go out as I'm constantly trying to keep on top of the house otherwise I get the "pull your weight" lectures from in laws.

Thoughts??

If he works long hours during the week fair enough but at the weekend he should be doing 50% of the childcare and housework. If he's spending all day Saturday at the football for "me time" you should be getting all day Sunday for your "me time".

Yep he's a lazy sod who needs get his finger out and do his share round the house, and the in laws need to mind their own bloody business and butt out.

Oh fuck that, how pathetic he is. Rethink how you want your future with him to look because you being the unpaid cleaner is what its looking like.
Nobody much enjoys chores but that's part of life, your a team so he needs to do his bit and not treat you like shit.

'You're'

I'm running around like a fart in a trance

Sorry I didn't finish your post.. I am just in awe of this sentence. OMG.

If his work finishes at 6, so foes yours. Everytjing that needs doing after that is joint. If he doesn't agree then I wouldn't do a stroke for him outside 'working hours'

Does he need to do 12 hour days or is he hiding at work?

Does he take both DC to the football? If not, how is this your 'me time' and different to every other bloody day of the week?

Definitely get a dishwasher if you can. We lived for years with our fridge in the dining room so we could have one. Also scale back on cooking to low effort with less resultant washing up, even if it doesn't produce 'man meals'. If he doesn't pull his weight, he doesn't get a say.

I don’t buy that anyone cannot cook. If you weren’t there he wouldn’t starve to death

I suspect that many single men would/do live on takeaways in filthy houses, left to their own devices. They simply wouldn't 'just step up and do it'.

Good luck changing him.

But - why on earth are you staying in doing housework to keep your in-laws happy? Just - why? Even their own daughter stuck up for you regarding their nonsense. My in-laws could say what they liked, I wouldn’t take a blind bit of notice. I think it’s rally weird that you’re trying to appease them.

Why do so many woman accept this shit? OP you know this isn’t how life is meant to be.

Of course YANBU. I’d be insisting he either buys you a dishwasher or starts being the dishwasher as he promised he would. Currently he’s acting like a single childless man with a personal chef and housemaid. Fuck that for a life, it’s not the 1950s.

So he’s drinking four ciders a night and relaxing, having “me” time 3/4 whole weekends, not helping with the house or dc and then making extra dishes/mess when you go bed?

Is the one weekend a month for you or is he being a lazy h and parent then too?

This is shit OP.

DH works long hours, often 12 hours plus. In the mornings he helps me get DCs ready before he leaves. In the evenings he cooks and/or washes up while I do other jobs. If he gets home on time to see the DC he helps with bedtime. He doesn’t go to the football or any other hobby at the weekend because that’s when the DC get to see him.

What strikes me is not only is he not pulling his weight but he is also not seeing his DC. He gets home in time for bedtime but chooses to shower and make his lunch then instead of seeing his kids? WTF?

I think you have to say something, bottling these things up and letting resentment fester is a marriage killer.

I would tell him that you understand that he works hard, but you do too and you're feeling taken for granted. If you're happy to do all the cooking then continue with this but you wouldn't be unreasonable to insist that he takes responsibility for sorting dinner at least one night a week. Sorting dinner doesn't mean he has to cook a meal from scratch- it could be something simple or even just ringing for a takeaway but the point is it's one night when you don't have to think about dinner! Tell him he either starts doing the washing up again or you get a dishwasher. The dishwasher would probably be my preference as it'll make your life easier during the day as well. It can be DH's job to load/unload it since he won't cook. The football thing is fine as long as he makes sure you also get child-free time to yourself to do something you enjoy. If that's not happening then it's unfair and needs to change. I would also tell him that as his wife and the Mother of his children you are entitled to expect some level of courtesy and respect from his family. So if they make any comments about you "pulling your weight" you expect him to shut this down immediately and make it clear that the division of labour within your marriage is none of their business.

He's clearly got to the stage where he knows that if he leaves it, you will do it. I had the same agreement with my ex: I cooked, he washed up. But a lot of the time he wouldn't … and I'd end up doing it as I needed the pans to cook again! We worked the same hours, too - in fact, exactly the same job. He knew that I would end up giving in, as arguing with him about it seemed to start WW3 … but he was a monumental prick. Tell him that the washing up is the LEAST he can do - he's not doing it 'for you' or 'to help you out' - it's part of family life.

I just don't get why some people think its ok to not be involved in the daily grind of housework/parenting. I'm on maternity leave but don't do that much more than my dh really just stuff he isn't here to do. We don't have any set jobs. We do quite a bit together like putting washing away, emptying and loading dishwasher after tea or at the weekend do a room each but little every day stuff whoever sees it needs doing or whoever is free does it e.g last night dh popped to the shop with 3yr old just before bed time i stayed with baby to get him ready for bed but quickly washed bottles and put steriliser on whilst making his bed bottle as there was only 1 sterilised one left. dh came back and had obviously noticed the lack of bottles earlier and shouted up thanks to me for sorting them.

Do you live with your InLaws?
If not why on earth is your husband listening to them? Is his Dad the same lazy sod at his house?
Is your baby old enough to be left with out you for the day?
I think a spa day is long overdue!
I think your husband needs to be left in charge of his children so he can actually see for himself what needs to be done, 3 weekends off ..... no chance
You are equals not his scivvy
Tell him he either helps , gets a dishwasher or you get a cleaner in
Enough with the games he needs to join the 21st century
I don’t think this should be a one off either if he wants to have time off you need to demand the same right! His kids his joint responsibility

“Insist he buys you a dishwasher”
Ye gods.

Sorry long post and not really answering your question. I'd have a chat with him explain you fully appreciate he works hard at work but you still need him to do his share at home being on maternity doesn't mean you stay in all day cleaning its to help you recover from pregnancy/birth, cope with sleep deprivation and spend time with your lo nurturing them assisting their development ect.

How dare his inlaws lecture you? And how dare your selfish slob of a dh allow them to without leaping to your defence. on your behalf. Equal time off op,equal time off.

Insist he buys himself a dishwasher and uses it I think pp meant

Assume he gets a much break and tea breaks? And toilet breaks for that matter?

I’d say I wasn’t washing up and leave it .... it’s his jobs

How would you manage on your own And working?

@Nanny0gg, to be honest, if I was on my own, had a12 hour working day and had to work three weekends out of four, I wouldn't have children, or I'd change jobs/go part time. Surely it's just not doable, and any child would hardly see me?

I'm not saying that this guy shouldn't do anything at all, I'm just trying to put myself in his place. It sounds a grim way to live working almost seven days a week for those hours.

Of course when OP goes back to work, surely he's going to have to cut down a bit?

This is a whole big issue that you need to sort, but there is nobody in this world that can't cook.

Put some pasta in boiling water for 10 minutes and add some sauce = cooking.

Buying a readymade lasagne and following the instructions then putting it on plates = cooking.

It might not be the kind of cooking you do (even that I'm sure he COULD do, he's just too lazy to do it), but it ultimately gets a meal on the table, so anyone who thinks their partners can't cook, wise up, they can (or at least could if they were shown some basic meals).

Of course he should do something, but why haven't you said anything before? You just do stuff and haven't said "her, you need to get the waking up done"?

Side point, but if you're cooking then why are all the pans in such a state with food in them? Clear up as you go, leftovers straight in the fridge and hot soapy water on the pans then a quick rinse after dinner and it's all fine. If you do things more efficiently then it's less effort overall. That doesn't let your DH off the hook, but would make the rest of your day easier.

When my friend was on maternity leave, she had her husband and her sister living with her. They were both working, and she found that she was being left to do everything. One day, she sat them both down and asked them what their jobs were, and they told her. Then she said "And what is my job?" and they told her housework and children. She said "No, my job is to look after the children, there are three adults living here, and it's OUR job to do the housework". They both said that they were happy to help, if she asked them to do anything, so she told them she was equal in this three way partnership, and that they were both quite capable of seeing when something needed to be done. It worked. She told me that naturally, as she was at home, she picked up a bit more than they did, but her resentment vanished , because she knew that once they were home, they now picked up on anything that was left, without her having to ask.