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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

anyone had kids who hated each other and then started getting along?

70 replies

gameofmoans83 · 13/02/2020 22:14

My eldest two kids fight all the time. Both boys ages 9 and 6. Mainly the eldest being wildly jealous of his brother and just being constantly mean to him. They very very rarely play together or enjoy each other in any way. We have tried everything- they both get tons of individual attention. Tried all the 'siblings without rivarly' type books and techniques/ conflict resolution etc and nothing works. It makes me so sad and makes family life stressful. (They also have a 2 year old brother whom they both adore.)

Would love to hear some hopeful stories - did anyone have kids that fought all the time and later started getting along? Or are we just doomed forever?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 13/02/2020 22:15

Yeah sounds like my brothers. They started to get on as teenagers. Flat shared as young adults. They were just like you describe your boys until then

Awrite · 13/02/2020 22:18

Sibling rivalry is as old as time.

My two used to get along beautifully. Now, the big one can be mean and the young one feels treated unfairly. Impossible to know how to parent.

I now understand what my Mum went through.

We 4 siblings grew up to be best of friends. Fought like fuck as children though (at times).

Original poster
gameofmoans83 · 13/02/2020 22:31

thanks- these replies make me feel a bit better. There are times when I just despair!

OP posts:
INeedToGetHealthy · 13/02/2020 22:38

I remember a family friend telling me one time "I've never known a brother and sister to actually hate each other like you and (my) your brother". There is only a 2 year age gap between myself & Dbro, he is the older one. He was incredibly violent to me and it only stopped when he was kicked out by out DM and he went to live with our DF.
As adults we get in so well and we are very protective of each other.

isseywith4vampirecats · 13/02/2020 22:39

sounds like normal brothers for their age I have three boy girl boy and as kids they spent most of the time trying to kill each other, the boys being mean to my daughter her winding them up, all grown up now and all three get on very well with each other

Iloveplacentas · 13/02/2020 22:43

No advice just sympathy. My DD’s (10 and 7) are vile to each other. It makes me really sad. The eldest just snipes at and belittles the younger until the younger snaps and lamps her. Can I ask if the behaviour got worse when you had your youngest DC? I also have 3 year old twins who their older sisters both adore, but the fighting and meanness definitely escalated since the twins. I think the resentment and jealousy they feel is being projected into each other. I’m hoping the more time goes by and the twins grow and are less demanding the less they’ll fight?

I feel for you. It’s miserable.

Pipandmum · 13/02/2020 22:46

My stepsons didn't hate each other but fought alot. They even had to go to different schools. I used to dread them coming for the weekends.
Fast forward to late teens/early 20s and they were getting along ok and decided to move in together in a shared house. Now they are around 30 and are quite close.

Merryoldgoat · 13/02/2020 22:48

I have a sister who is younger and we fought like hell. Everyone said I was jealous. I wasn’t. I was just sick of my stuff being destroyed and being ignored and talked over.

I’m absolutely not saying you do what my mum did, but maybe you need to try to get to the root of the issue rather than the symptoms.

We get on absolutely fine now but it was hard early on.

Original poster
gameofmoans83 · 13/02/2020 22:49

@iloveeplacentas 100% yes! the major fighting definitely started between them when their little brother was born. Before that they were actually quite sweet with each other and I even remember the oldest being protective of his little brother (seems unbelievable now!) . So yes I definitely think they got less attention when thee third came along and took it out on each other rather than him. It's so tough though. Sympathies to you. Do yours fight physically or is it mainly verbal?

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 13/02/2020 22:50

My sister and I hated each other up until I moved out at 21! We get on really well now. Have houseshared, are Godparents to each others children, actually enjoy each others company.

Your eldest is 9? Only about another 12 years or so to go Wink

BellatrixLestat · 13/02/2020 22:54

My mum used to have to put jugs of water over my brothers to stop them from fighting (tried pulling them apart, didn't work, and then they got too big!).

They're now best mates.

Squirrelpeanutbutter · 13/02/2020 22:56

My youngest two hated each other. They are now best mates and go out together all the time.

StillMedusa · 13/02/2020 22:58

I have four... very close in age now 27,26,25,22 Girl-boy-girl-boy

Eldest two..omg. DD1 was an evil genius and her hobby was tormenting her brother.. and she was very good at it. Aged 8 she spent the whole summer holidays carefully suggesting (unbeknown to us) that her brother's next teacher was a horrible witch who locked children in her cupboard... cue first day of school, teacher only spoke to him and he burst into tears of fright...
The teacher came to me at pick up time and said he seemed terrified of her...then we both looked at each other and went 'Abby.....' (dd1)

I can't count the horrid things she did to him! She couldn't resist making him cry.

And as for her and her sister as young teens... well there is still a hole in the wardrobe where one of them went for the other with a wooden coat hangar and missed...

BUT... by mid teens something changed. Abby was badass, always but if an outsider upset her brother..or sister... she protected them. When DS1 had his first relationship breakup at 16 she was first there to wrap her arms round him.
Now as adults they are all incredibly close.. Abby is now a doctor (and no longer evil Grin ) and is coming 300 miles home this weekend because her brother is going to Australia to live with his fiance. All four will be here together this last weekend and it will be fabulous ..the love between them is very clear . And they all love their youngest brother who has disabilities and have jointly protected him and been there for him.

It does get better... eventually :)

kelper · 13/02/2020 22:58

My sister and I hated each other. We got sent to separate high schools because we'd have killed each other if we went to the same one.
We're best friends now, but it took her going to Uni and moving out for that to happen, sorry OP!

Iloveplacentas · 13/02/2020 23:01

@gameofmoans83 mostly verbal but quite unpleasant almost to the point of bullying. I used to lose my rag but now just repeat ‘that’s not kind.’ Ad infinitum. I can imagine with boys it can get aggressive? My twins are boys and while they are best friends they get much more physical with each other.

Ginkypig · 13/02/2020 23:10

I am one of 4. There were two then a gap of about 5-7 years then another 2. both "sets" are within 2 years of each other.

Each set fought constantly when young but not with the other set just with the closest sibling then once they got to teens 13/14+ each set became much closer. The older two always adored and protected the younger 2 though!
The older two became especially close in teen years and then into adulthood but that may have been helped because one moved to live with the other parent so the "pressure" of sharing a space disappeared which left the space to love each other.

Partly what helped also was once they all were older they didn't have to share rooms. As bigger houses or siblings left home etc happened.

One of the older two nearly broke their foot by trying to kick their sibling but missed and smashed it of the door handle!

notacooldad · 13/02/2020 23:11

Thoughout the early to mid teen years my two lads couldn't stand each other and it really upset me. They couldn't walk past each other without nudging each other and muttering something. I recently found out about some horrendous fights they had when I wasn't around. However away from the house they were fiercely protective of each other and really looked out for each other. Ds1 would make sure that DS2 didn't miss out on any school trips for example. I remember him ringing me up from school to tell me there was a Belguim trip for DS2 year and numbers was limited and he didn't want him to miss out. DS2 was involved in an incident about two years ago and it was only a few hours later that he started with concusion in a night club. DS1 was in there at the same time and really looked after him, got in touch with us and was on the phone every 15 minutes or so while I was at the hospital completely distraught. DS1 was in a car incident 70 miles from home while me and his dad was in France. DS2 jumped in the car and went to help without a second thought.
They are absolute opposites in terms of personality, interests, and image and it is good to see them meet up and go out with their girlfriends as a foursome or go to gigs and the cinema together. They are 23 and 20 now!

ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain · 13/02/2020 23:21

My sisters and I!!!

DS2 once stabbed me in the shoulder with a pair of scissors. DS1 once wound me up so much I called the police to stop me killing her. All totally ridiculous 20 years later. The three of us are now grown up with successful careers, 7 kids between us, and we are honestly each other's best friends. I hated them as a teen but honestly would do anything for them now.

Oy....it's the gin talking (but true).

Original poster
gameofmoans83 · 13/02/2020 23:21

loving hearing all the hopeful stories- thank . you.

@Iloveplacentas yes ours are quite physical for sure- both in play and in fighting. It makes it really stressful as you always worry someone is going to get hurt and can't really leave them alone together. it is slightly betteeer than it was a year ago but theey still hit each other when it gets out of hand. DS1 has literally zero patience with DS2.

@Squirrelpeanutbutter that's encouraging! what age did it change? And any idea what helped change it?

Thanks!

OP posts:
ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain · 13/02/2020 23:24

Space changes it. Not living together did it for us.

1Morewineplease · 13/02/2020 23:35

Yep... my daughter is three years older than my son . They really didn’t get on at all.
It took until mid teens to be civil but now both are in their twenties and are at uni , they are almost thick as thieves.

ClosedTheBlueEyes · 13/02/2020 23:54

Me and my sister. When I moved out, we started getting on. Familiarity breeds contempt, and all that...

Seren85 · 14/02/2020 00:06

My sister and I are three and a half years apart and we fought so much, physically at times . Couldn't stand each other. We're very different. Then she was 16 and I was 20 and we both had some 'boy trouble'. We've been best friends ever since. We speak multiple times a day, socialise together by choice, chose to live near each other. We'd be lost without each other. I'm confident that if it hadn't been boys we'd have bonded over something else around the same time.

Wynston · 14/02/2020 00:30

6years between me and db......he hated me....i was the annoying little sister and then one day when i was about 16 he realised i was human and we became friends.
I had my first dc and thought i will probably just have the one and then i thought about how close i am 2 db and thought yeah id like another! I have 2 ds......they spend much time wrestling but i can see they love each other to pieces.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 14/02/2020 04:54

My sister and I, she is three years younger than me, hated each other as kids, and off through our teens. My brother, on year older than me, got on as small children, but hated each other with a passion during our tens, he was an absolute arse to be frank.

We all get on well as adults, I’m actually pretty close my sister. We also have two others sisters that I have always got on with. Some kids just really rub each other up the wrong way.

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