anyone had kids who hated each other and then started getting along?

[gameofmoans83]

My eldest two kids fight all the time. Both boys ages 9 and 6. Mainly the eldest being wildly jealous of his brother and just being constantly mean to him. They very very rarely play together or enjoy each other in any way. We have tried everything- they both get tons of individual attention. Tried all the 'siblings without rivarly' type books and techniques/ conflict resolution etc and nothing works. It makes me so sad and makes family life stressful. (They also have a 2 year old brother whom they both adore.)

Would love to hear some hopeful stories - did anyone have kids that fought all the time and later started getting along? Or are we just doomed forever?

My DSs are 17 and 14 and only in the last year can they sit together without being totally hideous to one another

It occasionally melts my heart now when they actually laugh together and say nice things to each other. Whereas for most of the last 14 years.....well it is incredible they can let some of the stuff they have said to each go tbh

My 2 boys have the same age gap as you. I wouldn't say they hated each other but when they were 6 and 9 they fought a lot, the oldest one in particular was horrible to the younger , then the younger one caught on and started not only fighting back but also instigating - it was all incredibly wearing. They are now 12 and 9 and I have to say it is a lot better, they play together quite a lot, the older one can still be disparaging but it's not every single word he says, he will now praise his brother sometimes (it always sounds a bit forced but you can't have everything!) and he never deliberately hurts the younger one, the younger one can be a bit aggressive sometimes but very rarely. DS1 had to write a thing for RS about his family and when I read it it was really nice about his brother, saying how friendly he is and clever, which made me cry. So there is hope!

My 2 couldn't be more different, and they fought like kilkenny cats when they were young, and still do occasionally..BUT they are both at university now, and go visit each other at their Unis. When one is home, the other one tries his best to make it home too. They like each other and get along with each others friends.
I think there is great comfort is being able to speak completely freely with a peer knowing they have no hidden agenda, and that they have always got your back.

Have faith!

My DM was afraid to leave my younger brothers alone for years. She actually made sure one parent was with them at all times as they had awful flights. This was from age around 12-18. Now they get on great and meet up all the tome for drinks and nights out. (They’re in their early 20’s now). Haven’t seen them even have a disagreement in years.

Dsis and I absolutely loathed each other as children (3 year age gap). Daily physical and verbal fights. Must have been so wearing for our DPs!
Then i left for Uni 20 odd years ago and we haven't argued since! We're besties 😁

We had two moments of change. My daughter saw a home movie of her when she was about 4. She was horrible to her little brother and her older brother was patient and lovely with her. She sobbed and sobbed about how horrible she was and said this is why DS2 doesn't want me to hug him. It was a MASSIVE turning point in our family dynamic.

The second was a new friendship of DS1's. He observed a sibling closeness that he didn't have himself with his own siblings. Since then, he has been making much more effort with his younger siblings.

Youngest sibling has yet to have his 'road to Emaus' moment. I hope ot happens before DS1 leaves home.

My niece and nephew were awful as kids. To be honest, we hated visiting because their behaviour with each other was so foul and vindictive. My kids (who did get on well with each other) used to feel really awkward and couldn't enjoy their cousins' company because of it, either.

Fast forward to young adulthood, and my niece and nephew are closer to each other than my two! Somewhere in their late teens, they suddenly started to 'get' each other, while my two started to take each other for granted. Niece and nephew chat loads, share everything, and meet up often. My girls still get on fine, but aren't big chatterers and sharers of their feelings and so on.

I hated my sister growing up. We had a very difficult relationship. We are now best of friends. She came to my early pregnancy scan, we talk daily.

Oh yes, my brother absolutely hated me and my sister growing up. Couldn’t bare to be in the same room as us.

Now we are all very close and adore each other!

Sometimes siblings are so alike it’s hard to spend so much time together. Probably find they’ll be best friends when they move out!

Nrft but there was a study done that said siblings who fought were more likely to get on as adults than those who were polite.

I had fist fights with my sister growing up. At times I was absolutely vile to her.

We are genuinely the best of friends now!

No but I used to get on with my sibling as children but not any more. So there's hope!

Me and my brother hated each other. We get on well enough now but cannot live together. We are just too different

Sadly my brother and I fought as kids and don't get on now.

But there are things my parents could have done - primarily, taking it seriously, looking at the source of the problem, and engaging with us about it. They took the "let's ignore it and they'll sort it out" line, rather than seeing the bullying that was going on and putting a stop to it. Actively promoting kindness and tolerance in the home would have gone such a long way.

Your eldest sounds just like my brother Please put a stop to his behaviour by whatever means necessary, and protect your younger child. They're not doomed, these things can be changed.

My 2 are 18 months apart. Today within 20 minutes of finishing school for half term they were in their bedrooms as the youngest (7) had punched the 9 year old in his face and caused a nose bleed because the 9 year old was goading the 7 year old. They don't hate each other as there are some very cute moments but they absolutely do their best to get the other in trouble no matter what detrimental effect it has on them (normally involves getting banned from the school disco/film night!)

I continue to wait for the day it stops happening

Yes, our two DSs hated each other ‘He’s looking at me!’ Fight then breaks out.

It polluted our lives.

Then, when they were 18 or 19, when it no longer really affected us, they became friends.

Nothing you can do except endure until it ends.

My 2 girls were awful. They both went to an after school club and the supervisor told me she had never know 2 siblings as bad “and we have had a lot of brothers and sister over the years”. Both as bad as each other, just could not get along, very very different personalities. They are 21 and almost 24 now. Still very different people but they are great now spend time together, laugh at the differences and support each other. It gets better.

My sister and I (two years apart) despised each other. We are very, very different people. We now get on tolerably well because we both live in different countries. We didn’t start being nicer to each other until we both had kids of our own. Now we get along in the most part because we want our kids to love their cousins.

There are 3.5 years between my DD (elder) and DS. They absolutely hated each other and arguments usually ended up with violence. The hardest thing to deal with was DD starting something so that I had to be summoned to referee and she'd stare at me waiting for me to decide who'd started it. Impossible when I'd not been there at the beginning but nearly always her. If she got the ticking off it 'proved' he was my favourite.
It was a bloody nightmare!
Suddenly when DD was about 14 and DS 11 they started to get on. No idea how it happened but since then (18 and 15) now) they've rarely argued. I think they're actually quite proud of each other. They'd never admit though 😬

Thanks so much everyone. These stories are really keeping me hopeful.

I took them to the park this morning as it’s a day off school where we live and was amazed when they played a really nice fun game of football together. Got my hopes up. Then they started hitting each other in the car on the way home for no apparent reason. ARGH!!