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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

anyone had kids who hated each other and then started getting along?

70 replies

gameofmoans83 · 13/02/2020 22:14

My eldest two kids fight all the time. Both boys ages 9 and 6. Mainly the eldest being wildly jealous of his brother and just being constantly mean to him. They very very rarely play together or enjoy each other in any way. We have tried everything- they both get tons of individual attention. Tried all the 'siblings without rivarly' type books and techniques/ conflict resolution etc and nothing works. It makes me so sad and makes family life stressful. (They also have a 2 year old brother whom they both adore.)

Would love to hear some hopeful stories - did anyone have kids that fought all the time and later started getting along? Or are we just doomed forever?

OP posts:
NineSwans · 14/02/2020 05:02

No, my sister and I still hate one another.

myself2020 · 14/02/2020 05:36

My mum and my aunt hated each other as kids (they both have physical scars!). they are in their 70s now, apparently started to get along in their 20s

whiteroseredrose · 14/02/2020 08:35

Yes!! My DC were awful for ages. I'd have to pull off the motorway to break up the fights. They even had fisticuffs over an imaginary ball.

But from about 11 and 14 they started to change and get on really well now. DS is at Uni and DD really misses him.

Apolloanddaphne · 14/02/2020 08:41

My DB is three years younger than me. I hated him when we were young and I only barely tolerate him now. We are not close at all.

My DDs are 5 years apart and in their younger days the older one was mean to the younger one who just wanted her big sisters attention. It could be fraught at times. Now they are 22 and 27 and get on very well.

Hingeandbracket · 14/02/2020 08:47

I was that kid. 2 years between us and it''s a miracle we didn't injure or kill each other. Started to get on as teenagers - and have been ever since.

Merrz · 14/02/2020 08:57

My brothers knocked 7 bells out of each other our entire childhoods, there is 4 years between them. I remember every birthday/xmas when we asked mum what she wanted she always said just 1 day without fighting Sad I actually got on pretty well with both of them, i'm a lot more laid back than them and only girl don't know if that made a difference but now as adults they are genuinely best friends.

whowillcookdinner · 14/02/2020 09:21

My DDs are two years apart m, very different people. They hated each other until the younger one started high school - I think they had more freedom to be themselves but also something in common.
Now young adults, still totally different but get along fine.

FizzyIce · 14/02/2020 09:23

My sister and I were the same until we were teens and then we started to be more like friends

lunkitsmum · 14/02/2020 09:42

Mine are the same! my only advice would be try not to intervine too much, it only seems to escalate things...they bitch ALL the time about each other but if one of them is genuinely hurt or upset it affects the other deeply. It's just part of growing up and learning how to deal with people and conflict in my opinion 🤷

Damntheman · 14/02/2020 10:06

My sister and I were SUPER close as toddlers, everyone thought we were twins. Then at about 9-7 the antagonism began, we were not fans of each other. We didn't hate each other but we fought CONSTANTLY. It got a bit better after we both moved out for uni, but if we were under the same roof again for mor ethan 2 nights in a row the fighting would start up again. Now we are mid thirties and super close once more. I adore her

Stephminx · 14/02/2020 10:11

I got on famously with my brother... as soon as he moved out. Sorry. Could’ve killed him when I had to live with him.

Creweneck · 14/02/2020 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ActualHornist · 14/02/2020 10:20

Me and my sister!

I’m the oldest, I was horrible to her. Really horrible. She was pretty mean back at points! We get on really really well now though.

DinaCaliente · 14/02/2020 10:22

My daughter used to be horrible to her younger brother when they were children.

There's not much between them in age but once they hit later their later teens they became as thick as thieves.

They're in their 20's now and are best friends.

Duelatdawn · 14/02/2020 10:34

Sounds very similar to my nephews. The same age gap. We used to dread having DB and family to stay because of the constant fighting, bickering, snatching, teasing etc. It was just awful.
When they reached their teens god knows what changed but you couldn’t get two brothers who were closer or who loved one another more. They spend every occasion together with their respective wives and kids and their love for each other is obvious to all.

My DBs had nothing in common growing up. Middle DB was embarrassed by older DB and wouldn’t bring friends to the house. As adults I’d not say they were close but push comes to shove they’d do anything for each other. My middle DB is genuinely happy that older brother has a far more enviable life (happy marriage, close relationship with adult DC, a fulfilling career in music), lovely, cosy home etc etc. There was everything to indicate there would be jealousy there (favouritism by DF, lots of attention as so talented, prizes etc) but middle DB is just happy that his DB is content.

So please don’t give up hope. It must be so wearing and maddening when every day is a mixture of breaking up fights and general civil war.

sugarbum · 14/02/2020 10:36

I'm still waiting, and hoping. Its DS1 rather than DS2, who would happily play with his brother if given the chance. I was hoping DS1s hatred would have worn off by now, but maybe in a few years. He's nearly 13

hicketypickety · 14/02/2020 10:38

My sister and I HATED each other until I moved out (I'm 8 years older). She was pretty difficult with everyone tbf until she went to uni and then realised we weren't so bad Grinnow however we are best mates!

mogtheexcellent · 14/02/2020 10:44

sadly I hated my older sister groing up.

We tolerate each other now in a very fake manner.

sorry! But we are such different people and she bullied me when I was younger. She is the golden child and I have had to manage without much help from family.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 14/02/2020 11:49

ours can go from love to hate within the space of 30 seconds.

between the 3 of them, there's always ganging up (initially it was DD1 and DS2 vs DS1, more recently it's DD1 and DS1 vs DS2).

but as mentioned above, they are always united against any external "threats"

EmrysAtticus · 14/02/2020 11:53

I only have one and part of the reason was that DH and SIL fought horribly all through their childhoods. They have an ok relationship now as adults though.

ChristmasFluff · 14/02/2020 14:28

Me and my little sister argued all the time when we were younger - blood was often drawn! Even when we'd be getting on, it would only take a little thing to set us off again. When I left home, we began really getting on, and we are best friends now.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 14/02/2020 14:31

My older 2 are NC, my younger 2 are still at the stage of hating each other.

user68901 · 14/02/2020 14:40

This gives me hope, I have an an older dd (16) who has knocked all the self confidence out of younger one (13) .
Older one and I are getting on better but no sign of improving with sister. dd2 in floods of tears last night, she’s had enough.
Great to read some positive stories but keep thinking it’s crossed a line and they’ll never come back now. Dd 1 is delightful to anyone outside family 😏

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 14/02/2020 14:42

Yes. It only took about 12 years to get there though! Mid and late teens now and generally get on very well.

ConkerGame · 14/02/2020 14:58

I HATED my brother when we were kids. Told my parents so many times that they had “ruined my life” by having him Grin We were just so different and I hated how he was always there - there was no escape from him!

Only started to get on when I left home for uni. Now we (and our spouses) all get on very well - go on holidays together etc. But it took moving out to do that, I’m afraid!