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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send a wedding present thank you card

77 replies

Wanda1988 · 13/02/2020 21:52

We were married last September, no registry so we got a mix of cash, vouchers and decorative homewares. A few people gave us nothing which was fine. I ordered thank you cards with a wedding picture on them and sent them a few weeks later to everyone who gave us a present. At Christmas we saw a couple who said they had a present for us, but forgot to bring it to the wedding and forgot to bring it with them that day. We also saw them in January and no present, so I assumed nothing was actually coming. We visited their house last week and they gave us the present (a cheeseboard, not personalized or anything that had been specially ordered).
AIBU to not send a thank you note? I used up all the cards I ordered so I would have to place another order for a minimum of 20 cards, also I am a little annoyed at how many times they forgot it.

OP posts:
OverUnderSidewaysDown · 14/02/2020 00:10

The personalised version is the one engraved "To the Brie and Groom".

katy1213 · 14/02/2020 00:11

And why in the name of God would you want a personalised cheeseboard? They bought you a gift - thank them.

DramaAlpaca · 14/02/2020 00:11

You thanked them in person when they gave you the gift, that's sufficient and there's no need to say thank you again in writing.

Bluerussian · 14/02/2020 00:11

Just buy them a thank you card from any shop. They'll appreciate that.

Enjoy your cheeseboard.

Durgasarrow · 14/02/2020 00:23

Yes, you need to send a thank you card. No, you don't need special stationery. Yes, it needs to go through the mail.

FrockFrockFrockityFrock · 14/02/2020 00:25

Hint for those unsure what a personalised cheeseboard is: look on Etsy.

I'm concerned over their constant forgetting of your gift. Impressive they managed to do it so many times! Honestly, that could be a different AIBU. You'd think someone would've said in the car on their way to meet you "oh, shit. We forgot the gift again, turn around and let's go back and get it." Or "hey let's not forget the gift, AGAIN. Let's put it in the car now while it's on our minds."

Still send a thank you card though, doesn't need to be the ones you used for others.

Spam88 · 14/02/2020 00:31

I can't believe you only sent thank yous to people who bought gifts 😐

EmeraldShamrock · 14/02/2020 00:37

I'm concerned over their constant forgetting of your gift. Impressive they managed to do it so many times!
Maybe they didn't get you a gift then you turned up at their house they thought shit "Is there anything left over for Christmas she has come for her gift"

The4thSandersonSister · 14/02/2020 00:39

I'm sure you were effusive in acknowledging their gift, however late, by thanking them in person when they presented to you. Sending them a "Thank You" card at this stage seems both redundant and pedantic.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/02/2020 00:51

They regifted something they already had handed over the gift, you said thank you, transaction ended.

No need for a card or a seconds thought.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 14/02/2020 01:39

I think Thank You cards are ridiculous. No one I know has ever done them, just more crap to buy and for the card companies to make money from. If you've thanked them in person, there is absolutely no need to go over the top and send thank you cards.

Jazzycat84 · 14/02/2020 05:01

I think it’s awful to only send thank you cards to those that bring a gift.
Weddings can cost hundreds to attend, hen party, stag do, hotel room to stay after, new outfit, travel.
Hopefully you didn’t just invite people for the gifts so you should have thanked all of your guests for joining you anyway.

meditrina · 14/02/2020 07:07

I don't see the point in getting thank you card made (waste of money) but write thank you letters for everything. It's no more effort than writing a nice chatty email, and has considerable impact, as people receive so few personal letters on the mat

meditrina · 14/02/2020 07:08

"Hopefully you didn’t just invite people for the gifts so you should have thanked all of your guests for joining you anyway."

As a guest, I wouid be writing to the host to thank them for the occasion.

(Hosts are not expected to thank guests for attending, but of course it's a lovely gesture if they do)

londonrach · 14/02/2020 07:11

You thanked them at the time so no need for a card.

FrancisCrawford · 14/02/2020 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crispysausagerolls · 14/02/2020 08:26

Leaving presents aside, the etiquette is for guests to thank their hosts for inviting them

No. Wedding etiquette is that hosts thank their guests for the effort and expense of attending their event. It’s shocking that people only thank those for gifts - so so so so rude.

Ohtherewearethen · 14/02/2020 09:06

I too am shocked that you only sent thank you cards to those who gave you gifts. We ordered the same number of cards as invitations. Some people who were invited couldn't make it and, very kindly, some people who weren't invited gave us gifts. Only giving thank you cards to those who have you gifts shows you only appreciate the gifts, not the guests who came to share and celebrate the day with you. I think that is hideously rude.
It does sound like you only care about presents in your post as you keep mentioning how it was so, so late and just a generic cheeseboard. You sound really ungrateful.
I personally love getting a nice photo of the bride and groom as a thank you note. Some people hate it obviously but I think it's a very small gesture and they have a nicer picture than they took (probably) of the married couple.

crispysausagerolls · 14/02/2020 09:45

We ordered the same number of cards as invitations

Exactly!!!

skyblu · 14/02/2020 09:55

It would still be good manners and gracious to send a Thank You card - this does NOT have to be one of the wedding ones and no, you certainly don’t need to order a pack of 20 Wedding Thank You’s!

Just pick up a nice card in a shop (a thank you one or even just a blank card that is pretty/relevant) - and write a few lines of thanks for the cheeseboard and that you’re settling into married life etc blah blah...
It’s polite.

You’re thinking, well they were so late with the present, I don’t need to say thank you...They could’ve thought, oh well we’re so late with the present we’ve got away with it, we don’t need to bother now....but they didn’t! They still have you a gift. So write a Thank You.

ShinyGiratina · 14/02/2020 09:56

Thanking in person is fine so long after the event as the gift was recieved personally.

On the day, the bride and groom often don't recieve the gifts directly and at a larger wedding may not get much time to spend with all guests which is why a written thank you is necessary.

EdithWeston · 14/02/2020 17:37

"the etiquette is for guests to thank their hosts for inviting them"

Yes, this is as true for weddings as it is for children's birthday parties, and indeed any other significant event

There was even a name for it - the bread and butter letter

FrancisCrawford · 14/02/2020 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crispysausagerolls · 15/02/2020 08:20

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2019/10/29/fashion/weddings/dos-and-donts-of-thank-you-notes.amp.html

www.papier.com/wedding/inspiration/wedding-thank-you-card-etiquette/

“As well as thanking people who have gifted you, you should thank everyone who came to your wedding”

A quick google makes it perfectly clear that sending thank you cards after your wedding is, of course, the correct etiquette.

crispysausagerolls · 15/02/2020 08:22

Debretts, aka the Mack daddy of etiquette, even sell thank you from the bride and groom cards.
www.debretts.com/product/wedding-thank-you-card-folded-gold/

And FYI - after our parties as a child we also had to send gifts for presents and/or people coming to our party. It’s polite.

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