Step Mum interfering

[rumandbiscuits]

I have just written the longest post and somehow it's deleted before I've been able to post! So I will start again....
I am getting married next month and starting to feel to nerves/pressure to get everything right, pay last bills etc etc. So feeling stressed therefore unsure as to whether I am being overly sensitive to my pushy SM and her antics!!!
I am not very close to my half sister (my SM and Dad's daughter) but asked her to be a BM as I have another half sister (my DMs daughter) who I am close to and wanted as a BM so not to rock the boat and upset anybody I asked them both along with my two friends.
It started with my SM coming along to dress choosing for the BMs (uninvited) and being quite forceful about what she liked and what she didn't. She has very strong opinions and makes them known, we also have very different taste so this was difficult.
Next I sent a message in our BM group chat asking if any of them could recommend a seamstress to alter their dresses. I get a message off my DS to say not to worry about sorting hers as her DM has already sorted who was doing hers. This wound me up because i felt it had all been done behind my back. Turns out the lady who she wanted to do it couldn't so I have sorted it now anyway.
Next was a week after the rsvp date my SM messages me the same day I have already seen my DS for a dress fitting to ask if my DS new partner can come to the wedding (they have been seeing each other since Xmas). I felt this put me in an awkward position as I had asked my DB (her son) late last year if he wanted his GF to come but he was unsure and said he would let me know, when I spoke to SM about it she said no way was she coming as they wouldn't be together by the time of the wedding. Anyway they are together and I told her I couldn't invite my DS new partner and not my DB partner (he has been seeing her about a year) she then reluctantly agreed to inviting my DB GF if my DS BF could come.
This week it's been the suits. My OH has picked the suits for the bridal party (my DF and DB included) my DF and FIL have a fitting next week which my SM has asked to come to. She then later asked me to send her a picture of the suit which I did. She then replied to say it was fine for DB but too young for DF and she wants him to try others on next week as he would suit charcoal better (the suits my OH have picked are blue!)
She has done a few other things like insist my LG (flower girl walks down the aisle with my DS). Said that I will have to give me DS a lift to the hotel the night before the wedding (even though she drives) and this will mean me and my OH will have to return home as a married couple separately (not a massive deal but still annoying).
I feel like I'm getting to the end of my tether with her now and want to turn round and tell her to fuck off and mind her own business! But at the same time I don't want to make things awkward for the day, I don't want to upset my Dad and I don't want the added anxiety of falling out with her.
After this wedding I will go back to having very little to do with her again so should I just continue to bite my tongue but stick to our guns with the suits? Or should I say something like butt out? I was thinking of speaking to my Dad privately about it. He is a people pleaser like me and will just say and do what he thinks will make everyone around him happy. He is very easily controlled and she say controlled pretty much every aspect of his life for years. He does allow her to do this though and in some ways I think he likes being controlled it means he doesn't have to make decisions and has a 'quiet life'. Anyway I'm waffling now sorry!! For context my DS is 22 I am 27.

Tell her it's your wedding and to f off
Sorry but she sounds like a nightmare

Oh how awful! What should be the happiest time planning your dream day sounds like it's more stressful than enjoyable! I think you have let quite a few things slide for the sake of keeping the peace, the suit I would not change. Speak to your father, it really is nothing at all to do with your SM. Weddings can bring out the worst in people, don't let her push you about. She had her wedding it's your time now. Good luck c

No dont bite your tongue tell her to bugger off ! She has no right to boss you around please dont be a pushover and I mean that nicely

Sometimes you have to break some eggs to make an omelet
Tell her to duck off

No you're right I am a pushover when it comes to her. It's weird because I'm not in most walks of life but when I'm around her I feel like I go back to being a child that wants to please her! She has this domineering presence about her that's difficult to explain!

I would just stop replying to her messages. If she says anything in person/ to your DH then just say “oh sorry, I’m having problems with my phone atm so can’t always reply to messages”. Ignore all calls and if she tries to meet up to talk just say you are too busy with planning.

Why are you agreeing to any of it? Seriously, give your head a wobble.

Stop being a pushover!!!!

You could have invited your DS partner and not your DB's because she is a BM. But it wasn't for her to say who was and wasn't coming.

You should have said something sooner but definitely start now.

Tell your DS now that you will not be able to give her a lift.

Say no to the lift. Find a stock phrase to employ regularly, like “we already have a plan for that, thanks”.

Have a polite but firm response to her cheeky suggestions- tell her to please respect your wishes and let you and your fiancé make the decisions for your own wedding. If there are any repercussions just say you’re feeling a little bullied by her.

Thanks for the comments guys!
How shall I play it on Thursday then when my Dad puts his suit on and she says it doesn't suit him? 'Tough he's wearing it anyway!' I know I just need to bite the bullet and put my foot down, I know I do but I get so worked up and anxious about challenging her! I annoy myself more than anything! I think I am going to call my Dad tomorrow and say enough is enough with her dictating what is going on, I've put up with it this far to keep the peace but I don't want to end up bitter and twisted about my wedding day.
Ironically when she was messaging me about DS and DB partners coming she ended it with 'I'm just trying to keep everyone happy that's all rumandbiscuits'
She doing far from that and it's me bending over backwards to keep her happy! Not once has she asked me how wedding planning is going.. I didn't reply to her for a few hours the other night (with a picture of the suit) because I was having a dress fitting and I explained that in my message and she didn't say anything like 'oh how exciting hope it went well...' it was just straight to the point of the suit being too young for my Dad!

I understand about being a people pleaser, I used to be one. Please don't let her dictate your wedding.

Make your decisions and stop being a pushover.

Whilst I'm ranting she also asked me not long ago where my DS and DB would be sitting so I told her which table and who with etc. And then she said 'not being funny but where am I sitting?' I said on the top table with me my OH, my LG, and our parents. I thought this was quite a nice gesture on my part and if I was a SM I would feel really touched but she instantly said 'I will he sat by Dad won't i?'
I've also asked if she wants a flower pin (all of our parents are having one and the best man and groom) she said she will say yes but if it doesn't suit her outfit she will just put it in her bag. It's costing me £8.50 for one! I know it isn't a massive amount of money in the grand scheme of things but it just seems so rude!
I wasn't even invited to hers and my Dad's wedding (I was 4) and it wasn't because it was a no child wedding because my DB went (he was 1) and my two cousins (4 and 2) I wasn't allowed to go because apparently I was to clingy and would have ruined the day! I don't really remember it so have never been bothered but she brings it up enough!

I'd just say something vague like well I think it looks lovely / the important thing for us is that everyone in the bridal party matches and this means we can't give everyone their first choice.

I think pick your battles. It's a hard thing to do when someone is winding you up, everything becomes heightened, but some things like who walks down the isle with who and who is altering the dress, don't matter in the grand scheme of things - it wont make any difference to the final day. Some things like only one of the bridal party wearing something different might look a bit odd unless everyone does the same and these are the things that I'd try and put my foot down on. I dont like confrontation either but I think the key is to keep to the subject (dont drag in other arguments to the point you're trying to make), keep calm (grit your teeth and smile), and don't get drawn into justifications or sound like you will change your mind (I'd prefer not to do that because...sounds like you could be swayed and it's a preference). Just say thanks for your input but finance and me have decided it's this way, and let her have some input on something you really dont give a shit about if you want her to feel like she is involved

She sounds like a nightmare and you sound like a doormat. If you don't want to do something, just say no?

Generally irritating. Stop being a doormat now.

"I wont be able to give ds a lift the night before. We want to return together in the morning."

Let the other stuff go you cant undo it. But start to do what you want. And continue. It may piss her off. It's either that or you're pissed off.

I'd keep putting the suit thing back to your dad and saying "do you feel uncomfortable dad?" "if you don't want to match the rest of the bridal party and do your own thing fine, Let me know when you pick something". I wouldn't entertain trying on different suits in the shop. Is FIL the same age? I'd get the two dads and your OH to try on the suits together so that there's a boys club feel to it all. And if SM keeps chining in, I'd ask FIL what does MIL think (assuming the answer is sure she doesn't care or something to that effect)

Tell her after her comment about sitting with your dad it's best she doesn't come because you're worried she's too clingy and will ruin the day . Seriously, tell her - or tell your dad - things are the way you like it because it's your wedding and her comments are not needed.

She sounds like a nightmare! Is she quite an anxious person? I wondered if she might respond to you saying that it's so difficult to please everyone, but you've done your best and this is the choice you've made?

OMG. I have SM issues too. If I were you I would sidle up to her and say quietly and firmly to her “stay out of my wedding plans. It’s my wedding, not yours. You will not tell me how to run my wedding “ then ignore her existence.

So who's wedding is this? Hers or yours? This your one big day.. Don't let her dictate to you. Get your future DH on board, especially for the suits. Get your mum to support you.. Don't tackle her alone if you don't feel brave enough.
She sounds a Fucking nightmare tbh

It’s YOUR wedding, YOUR rules.
Everyone should know this.
No need to accommodate anyone else’s rules.
Be firm.

Definitely tell her to butt out. After all, you have little to do with her anyway so if she is awkward after the wedding it really doesn’t matter.

I hope you enjoy your day.