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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step Mum interfering

75 replies

rumandbiscuits · 13/02/2020 19:23

I have just written the longest post and somehow it's deleted before I've been able to post! So I will start again....
I am getting married next month and starting to feel to nerves/pressure to get everything right, pay last bills etc etc. So feeling stressed therefore unsure as to whether I am being overly sensitive to my pushy SM and her antics!!!
I am not very close to my half sister (my SM and Dad's daughter) but asked her to be a BM as I have another half sister (my DMs daughter) who I am close to and wanted as a BM so not to rock the boat and upset anybody I asked them both along with my two friends.
It started with my SM coming along to dress choosing for the BMs (uninvited) and being quite forceful about what she liked and what she didn't. She has very strong opinions and makes them known, we also have very different taste so this was difficult.
Next I sent a message in our BM group chat asking if any of them could recommend a seamstress to alter their dresses. I get a message off my DS to say not to worry about sorting hers as her DM has already sorted who was doing hers. This wound me up because i felt it had all been done behind my back. Turns out the lady who she wanted to do it couldn't so I have sorted it now anyway.
Next was a week after the rsvp date my SM messages me the same day I have already seen my DS for a dress fitting to ask if my DS new partner can come to the wedding (they have been seeing each other since Xmas). I felt this put me in an awkward position as I had asked my DB (her son) late last year if he wanted his GF to come but he was unsure and said he would let me know, when I spoke to SM about it she said no way was she coming as they wouldn't be together by the time of the wedding. Anyway they are together and I told her I couldn't invite my DS new partner and not my DB partner (he has been seeing her about a year) she then reluctantly agreed to inviting my DB GF if my DS BF could come.
This week it's been the suits. My OH has picked the suits for the bridal party (my DF and DB included) my DF and FIL have a fitting next week which my SM has asked to come to. She then later asked me to send her a picture of the suit which I did. She then replied to say it was fine for DB but too young for DF and she wants him to try others on next week as he would suit charcoal better (the suits my OH have picked are blue!)
She has done a few other things like insist my LG (flower girl walks down the aisle with my DS). Said that I will have to give me DS a lift to the hotel the night before the wedding (even though she drives) and this will mean me and my OH will have to return home as a married couple separately (not a massive deal but still annoying).
I feel like I'm getting to the end of my tether with her now and want to turn round and tell her to fuck off and mind her own business! But at the same time I don't want to make things awkward for the day, I don't want to upset my Dad and I don't want the added anxiety of falling out with her.
After this wedding I will go back to having very little to do with her again so should I just continue to bite my tongue but stick to our guns with the suits? Or should I say something like butt out? I was thinking of speaking to my Dad privately about it. He is a people pleaser like me and will just say and do what he thinks will make everyone around him happy. He is very easily controlled and she say controlled pretty much every aspect of his life for years. He does allow her to do this though and in some ways I think he likes being controlled it means he doesn't have to make decisions and has a 'quiet life'. Anyway I'm waffling now sorry!! For context my DS is 22 I am 27.

OP posts:

Original poster

rumandbiscuits · 14/02/2020 13:23

Thanks again for the suggestions and support everyone. My Dad has just been round and we have had a talk although I knew it would go the way it has done because I know he will just say anything for an easy life and to keep us all happy.
I said I am worrying about Thursday that SM has it in her head you will be trying loads of different suits on and you won't - it's just a fitting and there's no reason she has to come. I said we aren't going to make you look stupid and it's a bit insulting to OH as he has picked them. He said he was happy to wear whatever and doesn't have an issue. I said I know you don't you would wear a bin bag if you had to but you need to make sure SM doesn't start forcing her opinions on us it will end in an argument because OH feels insulted. He said 'she won't don't worry about that' and then I said again 'you will back us up on Thursday won't you Dad' and he said he would. Time will tell on that one. I also mentioned a few other things she's done (adding guests on last minute and giving DS a lift and is causing me added stress) I said I don't know how you live with it Dad it's overbearing, you don't have your own mind. He jokingly said 'that's why I don't sit in the same room as her and am always out working!' I said she even picks your food in restaurants it's ridiculous and then he said 'tbf I don't mind her picking my food' he said I'm laid back and it's easier just to go along with it. He said you are stressed atm and told me not to worry about her. That was pretty much the end of the conversation. I haven't replied to her message yet though.

OP posts:

Bagofoldbones · 14/02/2020 13:30

Will DB trying suits on? If not I’d reply -

Hi SM I’m not sure there will be enough room in the shop tbh! We’re just sticking to the original plan so not to add more confusion to the fitting as originally the boys were just going to deal with it themselves. Also was planning on spending some time with dad on the way up in the car.

ChuckleBuckles · 14/02/2020 13:45

he said I'm laid back and it's easier just to go along with it

You know what OP this is simply not good enough from your dad and I would pull him up on it, it is fine that he is so laid back but why was he so laid back as to allow this woman to exclude his own daughter from his wedding? Ask him to answer that, point out to him how her railroading has made you feel, not just over your wedding, but going all the way back to his own wedding when you were 4 years old.

It is time for an argument OP, no more being "laid back" to allow this woman to make you second best and that is exactly what she is doing, she is trying to get your to chauffeur another adult to your hotel and run about after able-bodied adults to make sure you know that she believes that is all you are worth, that all you are is a bit player in their lives and they and what they need and want is the priority and she is pulling this shit on your wedding day. I am so angry on your behalf.

Kanga83 · 14/02/2020 13:54

Respond back to her that ' there is absolutely no need for her to come to the fitting, you hadn't planned on her being there so the one car and DB to come is fine. You have it all in hand and it's getting confusing with mixed messages with what you are actually doing with what she thinks is happening. You've spoken to your dad and it's all in hand'

Honeyroar · 14/02/2020 15:19

You’re going to have to reply to her and tell her you don’t need her at the fitting so the rest of you will fit in one car. If she insists say she needs to back off a bit, it’s not her wedding, then repeat that she’s not needed at the fitting and the five of you will go in one car.

I can see her blowing up over being told to back off though.

NearlyGranny · 14/02/2020 15:35

Have your DS tell her driving the flowergirl around just before your wedding isn't going to work for you and she will need to make other arrangements. Don't engage over the suit thing. Just have all the groomsmen say that the suits have already been chosen, this is a final fitting!

Your bridesmaids and groomsmen need to step in and be a buffer zone between you and any demanding problem. That's their role. That allows you to arrive at and sail through your big day serene and untroubled. Put them on high alert to head everything off before it comes to you!

katy1213 · 14/02/2020 15:49

Ask your dad what he wants to wear. Matching suits for men sound ghastly. And I don't blame her for trying quietly to lose a corsage that will clash with her outfit and leave pinmarks.
But assert yourself. A stepmother has no role in your wedding.

EL8888 · 14/02/2020 15:50

Your wedding = your way. She needs to back off

Bagofoldbones · 14/02/2020 16:16

Ask your dad what he wants to wear. Matching suits for men sound ghastly

Have you ever even been to a wedding

TheReef · 14/02/2020 17:56

Matching suits for men sound ghastly

It's not your wedding!

KurriKurri · 14/02/2020 18:08

Ask your dad what he wants to wear. Matching suits for men sound ghastly

Why would anyone say something so sneering and nasty ? I don't get people on here sometimes.

Original poster

rumandbiscuits · 14/02/2020 19:43

My Dad is happy to wear what my OH has picked. And I have actually paid £1 extra for the 'corsage' to be a magnet so that the pin doesn't ruin outfits. She has also been given the choice to not have the 'corsage' but has said she wants it and if it doesn't go with her outfit (that she hasn't picked yet) she will be putting it in her bag.

I will keep you all updated on what happens on Thursday. Thanks for all of your support so far I feel empowered to stick up for myself! It's mad how one person can make you feel so small. I think it's time I break a habit of a lifetime.

OP posts:

Bagofoldbones · 14/02/2020 19:47

rum I wouldn’t get her a corsage. I really wouldn’t and when she asked where hers was I’d say - oh i didn’t bother as you said you’d said you will put it in your bag and I didn’t want to waste money.

My mil took my dd flower girl head band off straight after the vows and wore it ALL day. She looked ridiculous but I think she thought she looked pretty with it on

MeridianB · 14/02/2020 20:01

Is there any way you could promote your most assertive friend to Maid of Honour’ or even ‘wedding coordinator’ to field all things SM as a project between now and the day after the wedding to give you a protective force field?

Then every time she bleats you can tell her ‘speak to x’.....

BoredOfTheBoard · 14/02/2020 20:02

I was fucking irritated with her half way through your post. I think I would say to your dad that you're sick of her interference and she either shuts up with her unwanted opinions and.lets you and your DFiance make the decisions or her invite will be rescinded. And mean it. Stop keeping the peace. It's your wedding

avacadooo · 14/02/2020 21:17

Honestly I would uninvite her or make the wedding as unpleasant for her as possible. Why are you giving her time of day? Chuck her at a table far away from you, make a list of people you want in your photos and give it to your photographer and cut her out the wedding party. She isn't family she's a nightmare.

I know it's difficult but my own dad created a massive drama about my wedding and was so awful and stressed me out that I uninvited him completely, best decision I've ever made standing up to a bully.

TheQueenBeyondTheWall · 15/02/2020 08:53

Op it's your wedding. It's about you and your Partner.

You won't get that day back and you shouldn't be giving lifts to anyone if it's messing up your plans on your wedding day.

You give her all her own way on this and your setting yourself up for when you have kids. She will want all her own way then.

You need to stand your ground op, tell her everytime "no that doesn't work for me/us" and just repeat.

What an entitled bitch.

TheQueenBeyondTheWall · 15/02/2020 08:55

And I'd fuck her corsage right off.

She will wear it if it goes with her outfit will she. She needs to realise none of this day is about her. None of it. You have gone over and above putting her on the top table.

Is she the type to wear a white dress to a wedding? She sounds like she is.

Alsohuman · 15/02/2020 09:07

The suit thing baffles me. It used to be that people just turned up in their best suits unless it was a big formal wedding in morning dress. Having said that, you’re having matching suits, OP, and if your dad (not his wife) has an issue with that, he needs to discuss it with your partner.

I think you’ve made big concessions. I’m a step mum and would be blown away to be put on the top table, I’d be doing everything I could to support you to show my appreciation. I know you’re focusing on the corsage because it represents your frustration about everything but don’t sweat the small stuff, it’s a £10 flower at the end of the day.

Original poster

rumandbiscuits · 15/02/2020 09:54

Unfortunately I've already paid for the corsage now. It's mad but when she does these things I just go along with it and it isn't until after she goes or we've had a conversation via text that I question whether she is being unreasonable or not. And then when I write it all down like I have done here I think good god I'm a mug! No wonder she continues to push me around I'm allowing her to do so! I think like a pp has said I need to work on why I want to please her so much and my self worth after this wedding. Posting on here has made me see that her behaviour isn't normal but I've grown up with it being normalised by everyone around me (mainly my dad). I could write pages and pages of the things she has done over the years that have never been challenged by anyone. She does do it all in a very clever way though because it's all delivered very subtly. Just an example was when I was pregnant with my LG she would tell me how disgusting she found BFing and how it reminded her of cows feeding their young, she said it made her feel sick. I did BF my LG but when she would come round and my LG would need feeding (which was constantly in the early weeks) I would feel so uncomfortable to feed in front of her that I would either make my LG wait until she had gone (unless she was really upset) or go upstairs and feed her (in my own home) and feed her up there. If I went to their house I would feed her in the car before going in and then panic the whole time I was there that she would wake up and want feeding so would never stay long. Sorry I know i am going off on a tangent now but it helps to write these things down. I did this and no one ever said 'don't be so silly it's her issue not yours' it was normalised and again she got her own way. It isn't normal though, it's controlling.

OP posts:

makingmammaries · 15/02/2020 13:13

You need to change this dynamic, OP, and your wedding is as good a time as any to do it. SM needs to be put in her place. I say this as a SM. I would never want to disrespect my DSD or her mother by interfering in matters that belong to them. One day you may have children and do you want her interfering with the christening? Draw yourself up a little and say politely ‘this is our big day and we will be making the arrangements ‘.

Good luck and I hope you have a lovely wedding.

Bagofoldbones · 15/02/2020 13:21

Ah your update over the breast feeding is sad

I really do have some one in my family like this. Every one thinks they are totally unaware of their own behaviour and how they effect people and I spent many years letting her steam roll me.

Stand up to her but when you do be ready for the fall out. Prepare your responses and do get dragged in to emotional blackmail.

You can completely blame your big U turn on wedding nerves/stress

Bagofoldbones · 15/02/2020 13:22

I will add - like my family member - she will know what she is doing, she will just think she is entitled to do so.

strawberry2017 · 15/02/2020 13:38

Time to start standing up for yourself OP.
If you don't now you never will and she will always have this control.

wineandroses1 · 15/02/2020 13:47

Good grief OP, stand up to her! Hiding your breastfeeding was absolutely ridiculous and something that could have affected your daughter. Stand up to SMIL before she starts on your child as well. DC needs you to be brave and stop this!

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