Step Mum interfering

[rumandbiscuits]

I have just written the longest post and somehow it's deleted before I've been able to post! So I will start again....
I am getting married next month and starting to feel to nerves/pressure to get everything right, pay last bills etc etc. So feeling stressed therefore unsure as to whether I am being overly sensitive to my pushy SM and her antics!!!
I am not very close to my half sister (my SM and Dad's daughter) but asked her to be a BM as I have another half sister (my DMs daughter) who I am close to and wanted as a BM so not to rock the boat and upset anybody I asked them both along with my two friends.
It started with my SM coming along to dress choosing for the BMs (uninvited) and being quite forceful about what she liked and what she didn't. She has very strong opinions and makes them known, we also have very different taste so this was difficult.
Next I sent a message in our BM group chat asking if any of them could recommend a seamstress to alter their dresses. I get a message off my DS to say not to worry about sorting hers as her DM has already sorted who was doing hers. This wound me up because i felt it had all been done behind my back. Turns out the lady who she wanted to do it couldn't so I have sorted it now anyway.
Next was a week after the rsvp date my SM messages me the same day I have already seen my DS for a dress fitting to ask if my DS new partner can come to the wedding (they have been seeing each other since Xmas). I felt this put me in an awkward position as I had asked my DB (her son) late last year if he wanted his GF to come but he was unsure and said he would let me know, when I spoke to SM about it she said no way was she coming as they wouldn't be together by the time of the wedding. Anyway they are together and I told her I couldn't invite my DS new partner and not my DB partner (he has been seeing her about a year) she then reluctantly agreed to inviting my DB GF if my DS BF could come.
This week it's been the suits. My OH has picked the suits for the bridal party (my DF and DB included) my DF and FIL have a fitting next week which my SM has asked to come to. She then later asked me to send her a picture of the suit which I did. She then replied to say it was fine for DB but too young for DF and she wants him to try others on next week as he would suit charcoal better (the suits my OH have picked are blue!)
She has done a few other things like insist my LG (flower girl walks down the aisle with my DS). Said that I will have to give me DS a lift to the hotel the night before the wedding (even though she drives) and this will mean me and my OH will have to return home as a married couple separately (not a massive deal but still annoying).
I feel like I'm getting to the end of my tether with her now and want to turn round and tell her to fuck off and mind her own business! But at the same time I don't want to make things awkward for the day, I don't want to upset my Dad and I don't want the added anxiety of falling out with her.
After this wedding I will go back to having very little to do with her again so should I just continue to bite my tongue but stick to our guns with the suits? Or should I say something like butt out? I was thinking of speaking to my Dad privately about it. He is a people pleaser like me and will just say and do what he thinks will make everyone around him happy. He is very easily controlled and she say controlled pretty much every aspect of his life for years. He does allow her to do this though and in some ways I think he likes being controlled it means he doesn't have to make decisions and has a 'quiet life'. Anyway I'm waffling now sorry!! For context my DS is 22 I am 27.

Enough already. Your dp and you want the men to match. It is your choice. Your Dad wears the suit he is given and her input on this is not required so there really is no point in her attending the fitting because she has no say in it and it is a "man" day. Your Dad needs to step up and back you on this. Can you get her to do some wedding thing like helping you make favours or choose a garter or something on that day?
As to her pin, tell her the colours and ask her whether she wants one or not because you don't want to pay for something she may shove in her bag as that would be a waste wouldn't it?. Make her answer and if she stalls or still bangs on about it, then dismiss her with so I will cross yours off the list then, and move on.
Parents usually sit with their opposite side so his mum and your dad, your mum and his Dad with step parents sitting either on the closest table to the top or flanking their opposite number, so your dp, your mum, his Dad, your sm. You, your Dad, his Mum, your stepdad. Place settings are set by you and your dp NOT your stepmom. She only has to sit there for an hour, I think even she can manage that. Watch out for surreptitious swapping of name cards on the day to which you smile and say, no sm, you are next to x.
Look, at the end of the day, she will get to plan and organise her daughters wedding when the time comes, Lord help the poor child. Your wedding should be how you want it. Don't get into any more discussions or justifications, tell her that does not work for you, rinse and repeat.
As to your sister, tell her that she will need to organise her lift to the hotel as her mother's plans do not work for you. She has a month to find another method of transport. You need to be focusing on your own needs not everyone else's. As she is entirely used to getting her own way, it is likely she will kick off but stand firm, don't explain, just learn to say no....without the sorry in front of it.
You could always ask her for a picture of her outfit and then say it is not suitable (revenge tactic!!)

For a start, you don't need to be at the suit fittings. Let that be the one thing the men do! Maybe get your OH to forewarn the lads on the shop that she will be there, and will disagree with everything. Let them handle her it's all in a day's work.

How old is your sister, her daughter? As you say she drives she must be an adult. Talk to her. It is ridiculous that you would be expected to drive her to the hotel. Either she drives herself, or arranges a lift. Your dad could drop her?

Don't agree to anything she suggests. Make non committal noises to every suggestion. Do your own thing and inform her after the decision has been made, and when it's too late to change!

Limit your contact with her. Don't answer calls. Delay answering texts. If you give in you will spend your wedding day, the lead up to it, and the days after it stressed, annoyed and upset.

You don't have to confront her. But you don't have to engage with her either.

Push back on everything she says. None of this has anything to do with her. Why should she have a say in your wedding? Just no.

Send her a message saying “in an attempt to keep everyone happy, you have completely forsaken mine and OH happiness.”

Please stop trying to please this woman. Stop right now. You are not the young girl seeking her step mother’s approval. You are a grown adult and she is behaving in an over bearing manner. I am not keen on confrontation but I do think some people lack self awareness about how bullish they can be.

Stop placating her, you do not need her approval. Cancel her button hole flower. Mover her from the top table, put her with her precious daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend. Enjoy your day!

Has your father contributed financially to the wedding? If so this might explain her bizarrely entitled attitude.

Please stop sharing information with her. Just don't answer when she asks something or say 'my OH and I have decided...'. Also invoke your MIL and your own mother's authority in some of this.

Good luck!

There are people in this world who, if you do something nice will be grateful, mindful and acknowledge your good deed and there are others, like your step mother, who
see it as an open door to demand more. Your step mother overstepped the mark and you know you should have put a stop to this sooner.

I agree with limit what you share with her. Stop dealing with her. Have a word with your Father and tell him enough is enough and that she is stressing you out. Be prepared to block her number. It's not her wedding, it's not her daughter's wedding. She needs to step back. If she kicks back, remind her that you weren't even invited to her wedding.

The above suggestion of your DH taking over the suit fitting is a good one, he must be aware of how you feel. And don't ordering her a flower - she is bloody rude, who tells a bride 'I'll put it in my handbag' as you have said, you plan to go back to low contact anyway.

Keep us updated OP. Good luck.

Who is the bride? You do not need to listen to her nor cater to her choices 🤷🏻‍♀️ Ask her to back off or tell your dad to reign her in .. this is Yours and Your fiánces day ..
she can have her opinions but in the end You 2 have the final say 🌷

I bet about now your wishing you had just kept it to you two mates. Time to put a stop to the interference and take back control of your Wedding Day. It sounds like your Step Mother isn't viewing the day as her Step Daughters Wedding, but as her DD's bridesmaid photo opportunity. She is making a stressful time even more so, and the only influence over your day is what you and your fiancé allow her.

Agree with PP - your day, people do what you want them to. She needs to just stop. You need to tell her to stop.
Re suits - guys can go on their own. Am sure your Dad will wear whatever has been chosen.
Re her flowers. Could she have this on a ribbon tied to her wrist instead of pinning to her outfit? DM did this as had a silk dress and didn’t want to put a pin in it.
Seating plans - tricky. Prob nice to put her near your dad if possible.
Appreciate the step mother pain though with weddings. Mine bought her outfit “first” before both mothers and told me I’d have to tell them what her colour was so they didn’t buy the same. No. You’ll have to wear something different if they choose the same colour. Sigh.

In the nicest possible way, is she behaving like this because she knows she can push you around? I found people like this don’t try and do it to people who they know would straight up tell them to fuck off.

You have to be firm otherwise it will ruin your day but be prepared for her to be stroppy. She’ll do it to try and get you to back down, don’t.

Thanks for all of he comments and suggestions everyone it gives me more bollocks to say something and put my foot down when so many people are telling me to!
To answer a few questions my Dad has contributed to the wedding. His contribution as paid for just under 25% of the wedding. And I do think this could have something to do with her behaviour. It seemed to have ranked up since then! Although I know she wasn't very happy with him giving us the money she made that pretty obvious. For context my Dad owns his own business and is quite a wealthy man therefore my SM never had to work so it isn't exactly her money that contributed. He has just bought my DS a car costing £7500 just because hers broke down and couldn't be fixed. This pissed me off because I wouldn't dream of asking my Dad to buy me a car but he is the type of man you could just call and say 'Dad can I have £1000 please I need such and such?' And he would just give it you. It makes me cringe to ask for money so I never have but my SM and co do this hence why they seem to get a lot more from him than I do. They also all live together so are closer and see each other all of the time. My DS is 22 she is a worker tbf (she has 3 jobs atm all bar and waitressing work) and she lives at home with them. I hope I'm not being too outing here but she is off travelling later in the year.
I will speak to my Dad today and also make it clear that I won't be giving her a lift to the hotel the night before the wedding.
I agree with the poster who said the suits should be left to the men to sort. It has been so far but when my SM asked to come to my DF fitting my OH has asked if I will come for extra support (he really dislikes my SM and always has done). He is pretty angry about the suit situation and said he won't be pushed around (which I know he won't!).

At the beginning I was just thinking she was bored and interfering but your comment about her own wedding (banning a 4 yr old because you’d be too clingy and then regularly bringing it up) really stung. It’s all one sided for what she wants and way too controlling for me.

Id have a gentle word with your dad about how sad this is making you, that you’ve tried so hard to keep that side of the family happy and it’s making you feel terrible.

Good for you , put your foot down she shouldn't have that amount of input into a wedding where she is not the bride. My mil tried to interfere with the men's suits and entertainment at the wedding too but it didn't happen just keep saying no

Don't give your DS a lift anywhere. Tell her you're choosing the suits and don't need any input, just be short and to the point. She sounds like a nightmare (and usually on these threads I think the bride is being precious).

I feel like I go back to being a child that wants to please her!
This and the fact you weren't invited to the wedding but the other family children were speaks VOLUMES about her as a stepmum.
I'm a stepmum and I think she sounds vile, what an awful way to treat a child and it tells with how she continues to make you feel as an adult.

I think you need to tell her fuck off out of the wedding but I think after that there are deeper issues you need to address.

Re the suits, it's up to you and your df, if you want matching suits, them have matching
Suits, just because your sm prefers to see your df in grey doesn't mean he wears grey. It's your day. When she says 'your df suits grey better' simply say hey may well do, however we want them all to match so he'll be wearing blue' same for everything else, just put your big girl pants on and tell her, you don't have to be rude to be forthright in what you want. Remember it's your wedding and you are paying for the vast majority of it.

I'd also be wary if having a convo with your Dad beforehand, he maint try to manipulate you into doing what she wants for an easy life.

Don't leave the men to go suit shopping on their own - you can guarantee your step mum will go along too and then you won't be there to veto! Glad to hear your OH is prepared to stand up to her.

She sounds horrible. Just remember, it's YOUR day. Ask yourself constantly if you'd be happy with x, y, z and, if the answer is no, be firm. You can't let her have her own way. Say no to it all. There's NO reason for you to give sister a lift, so tell them "I'm driving back the next day with my husband, so giving a lift doesn't work for me". SM needs to decide now if she wants to wear a button hole or not and, if yes, say to her/your dad that you will upset if she doesn't wear it. Sit her where you like and perhaps speak to the venue when you give them the table plan/place cards and tell them how important the top table plan is to you and ask if a member of the waiting staff could be by the top table when people come in to check names don't "accidentally get knocked and put back in the wrong place" or something.

You HAVE to have your day on this. You KNOW you'll regret it if you let her walk all over you. I have two regrets about my wedding day, but they were all down to me, one about organisation and the other was an oversight on the day. But at least that was down to me and they were small things that didn't affect my enjoyment of the day, or my memories.

Be firm! I'm rooting for you. Come back and tell us how strong you're being, it'll help you continue. I'm too invested in you having a perfect day!!

Small update she has messaged me this morning to ask if DB can come to fitting on Thursday with them as well (this isn't a problem) but we were all going to go in the same car to the fitting but she says they will go alone now as not enough room in the car for 6. If she didn't come there would be enough room annoyingly. I haven't replied yet. I have phoned my Dad to ask him if he minds popping round to help me out with something later so going to have a word with him then. Feeling nervous but it has to be done.

Just remember when talking to your sm, you don't have to justify any of your decisions, it's your day, so if you want glitter farting rainbow unicorns, then that's what you want, and you don't have to explain 'why' to anyone. Just because you want it, is good enough reason. So don't feel you have to 'explain' why you want all the men in blue suits.

OP - do not let her her choose another person to come to the suit fitting. IT DOES MIND. Stop being so nice. It minds because its YOUR wedding not hers and in your words DH 'really dislikes her'. Does her feelings trump his? YOU know she will have briefed DB on what she wants and it will another person doing her bidding chipping in your ear.

Tell your Father she in no certain terms she needs to stop contacting you and you are blocking her. Make a list of bullet points - where you have gone out of your way to accommodate her wishes, if you feel you will get flustered. Show him her constant text messages to you. REMIND YOUR DAD - HE DIDN'T INVITE TO HIS WEDDING, PERHAPS THIS WEDDING HE SHOULD BE CONSIDERING YOUR FEELINGS.

Tell your father she is making you stressed and she needs to back off, tell him she is spoiling what should be a lovely exciting time byher interference.
If she moans about the suits say 'wel it's traditional to have all the men in the same suits and this is the one fiance has chosen. It's only for one day - dad's a grown up I'm sure he can cope with wearing it for one day'
Regarding giving your sister a lift ' No she'll have to drive herself because Dfiance and I want to be in the saem car leaving the wedding. That is what we have decided'
Keep using the phrase ' that is what we have decided' to make it clear that the decisions are yours not hers.
Plus contributing to your DD's wedding doesn;t mean you get to tell her how it is all done. It's just something you do for your DD, it doesn;t come with strings attached.

But do talk to your Dad and get him onside. Tell him how this is making you feel - he just needs to stand up to her and say 'let rumandbiscuits get on with it - it is her wedding, she can have it however she wants.'

Because ultimately that is the case - as a guest you wear what you are given however hideous you may think it (memories of a bright yellow nylon BM dress) and yo put up with it because it isn't about you, it is about the bride. (I'm sure the suit isn't hideous by the way - it sounds absolutely fine and nothing for her get worked up about).

I hope you get it sorted - you sound upset and harrassed and that not how you should be feeling. I think it is very mean to try to take over someone's special day and make life difficult for them.

Yes I have a family member like this. It’s a control thing. Her making her own arrangements with plans you’ve already made (that don’t actually include her) helps her claw back her own insecurities.

The day I started saying - actually that doesn’t work can we stick to the original plan - made my life easier.

You’ll get a sour face of her but who cares. It’s not her wedding

Way sorry suits are chosen and ds can get herself to the hotel unless SM wishes to sort her herself.

I missed the bit about driving DS back. Do a U turn on that. You’ve every right to say actually you’ve changed your mind. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Some people really do have some cheek!