To think this is morally wrong?

[UserUser321]

My sister told me yesterday she’s been seeing this guy for a few weeks.

Totally fine until she told me that he’s only a few months out of a long term relationship and has a 4 month old baby 😦 Apparently the mother ended things when the baby was a few weeks old but I don’t know if this is true or not.

I haven’t said anything but is it bad that I think this is just morally wrong on both of their parts and that my sister should be wary of this guy?

I know I was an emotional wreak when my babies were 4 weeks. Whatever she said screamed at him. Imo he should have stayed and supported her.
Not run off to new unneedy woman.

What will happen when sister is pregnant - less independent and sexy etc as we all are then, and emotional and overtired with newborn. Off he goes to another independent sassy young woman?

I must be living in a cave too! I have never heard of a single pregnant woman dating either! I also think why has she broken up with him? I wouldnt sit well with me Im afraid .Guess I may just be old fashioned!

Morally wrong? Not the situation you've described, no. Sometimes relationships break up even if a baby has just been born, pregnancies can be accidental, his ex may never have loved him in the first place but may have been in denial. She could have met someone else. These things happen.

Wait and see how he treats your sister, don't judge him purely based on his situation.

Given that the child's mother ended the relationship and not this man, how can it be wrong?

Maybe their relationship was over long before the baby was born but he didn't want to leave.

I also think a lot depends on their ages and stages in life.

If these are young 20-somethings I'd say they need to slow down.

If they are in their 30s or 40s they are I'd assume mature enough to make some sensible choices.

It also depends on whether they met online and if he was looking for another woman, or they met as friends/ colleagues and it's developed from there.

He is possibly on the rebound, so that ought to be a factor for anyone he does meet, but we don't know enough about how his relationship ended or why. Maybe his ex was a complete cow and he's well out of it. Who knows?

There's a lot of projecting going on here.

How can you possibly know how another person feels about a situation? Assuming all mothers feel one particular way... I can categorically tell you all new mothers are individual in their own situation, thoughts and feelings. Women do leave men when pregnant and with newborns for a variety of reasons, not all of them meaning the man has committed dreadful acts. Men also leave women when pregnant and with newborns, not all of the men are arseholes, and some women will have committed dreadful acts (don't worry, I am well aware of the stats on male on female violence before anyone protests that point).

The point is, don't assume about a situation. Take it at face value and be alert for other information to help decide what kind of person this male is. The fact he is single with a new baby doesn't tell you much

For previous posters talking about how a man can have time to date with a new baby.... I wrote earlier about the first man I dated as a newly single mum. He had his daughter for full weekends from 6 weeks old. Not because he demanded it, but because the mum decided that was the arrangement that suited her best. He didn't work mon-fri. He worked 4 on 4 off 12 hour days. But he had her each and every weekend. On his work days that fell in the weekened, he lived with his mum who provided childcare. His ex was well aware of this. I remember one phone call he recieved from her after he asked could she have her when he was working a full weekend (which was every 4 weeks or so if memory serves me right). She got really pissed off about this, even though he was saying he could have her alternate week days to make up for it. She was on long term sick at this point with no plans for returning to work. Anyway, he accepted it and just carried on as it was.
When I met him, he actually had his daughter for 9 days straight at that time. She was just 6 months old. Mum was on a ski trip with her other child. Through our 8 month relationship he had her for 7-14 day stretches at least 3 times so mum could go on holiday with her older daughter. He planned all his annual leave around mums holidays. As for the time to date, as he worked 4 on 4 off and lived right by my house (met on Tinder, and he lived literally on my doorstep) it made it relatively easy despite my own work and child commitments.

Ultimately, assumptions don't benefit anybody. I certainly am not happy that people think I was weird/had no morals etc for going on dates when my baby was little. I started dating when he was 6 months, and still EBF. Is that weird to? Or is it okay because my husband left me pregnant with 2 other kids? Do I get the moral highground because he left me? I don't know

Some might say that being massively judgemental with few facts is 'morally wrong'

Not sure about morally wrong, if things are as he says they are
However, that is a very big if
It is well recognised that men who were previously good partners sometimes become heartless bastards when their partner becomes pregnant, even if it is what they wanted and pushed for
My gut feeling would be it was more likely that either he walked out or she couldn't put up with his intolerable behaviour any longer.
While anything is possible, I guess, I would be very wary of him

It is well recognised that men who were previously good partners sometimes become heartless bastards when their partner becomes pregnant, even if it is what they wanted and pushed for. My gut feeling would be it was more likely that either he walked out or she couldn't put up with his intolerable behaviour any longer. While anything is possible, I guess, I would be very wary of him

Is it? well recognised by whom and where? Can you link to this @hazell42 because it's not in my terms of reference.

Your 'gut feeling' is no more than the ability to assume the worst in someone.

My crystal ball says that maybe she didn't love the man at all anyway and once the baby arrived she decided to get rid of him.

You see, gut feelings or crystal balls are not very accurate.

Getting rid of a partner when a baby is a few months old takes a lot of effort. At this stage most are simply too busy with sleepless nights and taking care of the baby, to go through the hassle of splitting with a partner. So I assume it is for a very good reason.
That reason may mean you are still happy to go out with him, but you have to understand the reason. I would not accept any BS excuse like - she just wanted a baby. I would want to know what really happened.

I don't think it's morally wrong, but it would be a red flag to me at the same time. I wouldn't go there, but if she wants to that's up to her.

I'm not saying it's right that it would be a red flag, just that IME new mother's don't often end relationships for anything other than fairly big reasons. I'm sure that's not always the case but that's my E

Actually, in my current boyfriends case I can absolutely believe she just wanted a baby. They met when she was a single mum to a 20 month old. She was pregnant 3 months later. Then she dumped him. Slyly actually. She moved him in, then told him she wasn't happy to give up IS/HB/TC (benefits) as he didn't earn enough to make it worth her while. So could he move back out and they would still spend lots of time together. Week by week she saw him less and less making excuses until he said what is going on here. She told him she didn't fancy him or love him. That was that. She was difficult with contct from day 1. He tried the little and often approach (an hour ir two a couple of times a week). She would cancel frequently with various excuses (yes I've seen these texts, and the diary provided to court which was undisputed in its accuracy). She met a new boyfriend when the child was 1 month old. My boyfriend would sit in her house with her new boyfriend present, just to see his daughter. The boyfriend was presented to the child as daddy. Referred to as her real daddy, stuff on social media etc. My boyfriend was just called by his name to her. When she got to 7 months old he had gone down the legal process. They went to mediation, which failed as she wouldn't stick to agreed arrangements. Ultimately he had to go to court to get proper regular access. Which he did.

She wanted a baby. She wanted a boyfriend. She wasn't too bothered whether both these people were the same men.

Not all people live the same kind of lives as others. These kind of scenarios are very common locally to me.

Personally I’ve been single whilst pregnant more than once and have never dated anyone whilst pregnant, nor would I. I also don’t know any one who has either, it’s really not that common so I don’t think the op is unreasonable to be surprised by that. However a 4 month old baby I couldn’t get worked up about!

Perhaps his ex has a new bf. We're all making assumptions all we know is they had a baby and separated.

@ThisMustBeMyDream Perhaps she just wanted a baby. Or perhaps she thought he was the one and quickly realised he was not. Some women do seem to get involved and decide to have a baby/move in/ get married far too quickly. It does not mean they did not think he was the one, just that they did not give it enough time for the first glow to fade and realise whether he actually is the one, before becoming pregnant.

Yabu

Unless you speak to him and his ex, you’re making assumptions and speculating of a situation you barely know anything about and which is really none of your business. Two single people getting together is not morally wrong (child or no child).

Your sister has been dating him for a few weeks so it doesn’t sound like they have yet decided to pursue a relationship and she hasn’t called him a boyfriend otherwise you would have posted that.

People split up for all sorts of reason. I’ve read of stories by women who divorced their husbands while pregnant and there was no cheating or dv at all.

Unless your sister asks your opinion about it or you notice something that worries you (controlling behaviour and what not) you should leave it and keep your personal thoughts to yourself.

Of course it isn't morally wrong if there's no overlap.

A reason to be wary and take things slowly? Perhaps.

I personally wouldn't date a man fresh out of relationship with a new baby.
My hormones were horrendous after DC1 I'd assume similar could be at play and it was a temporary split.

I suppose I may have a concern that he wasn't really single and was cheating on his partner.
Dating someone recently out of a relationship may not be a great idea but it isn't morally wrong.
To be honest, your sister is a grown up, its not really any of your business.

She broke up with him.

Do we only have his perspective on that?

Can you imagine if it was the mother who got a new boyfriend 3 months after having a baby though?

confused yes- I can. and it would be absolutely fine.

It really wouldn't be fine. People would judge, rightly or wrongly. I wouldn't want my sister with a man in these circumstances. I would judge him and assume her to be a little naïve/desperate...

ditto to all the above

im giggling about it being "Morally Wrong" for two single unattached unmarried adults to be dating..... pssst your "morally wrong sister" is most likely having "unmarried morally wrong sex" with the "morally wrong dude" too
~ wanders off sniggering at "morally wrong" in 2020 snigger snort~

karencantobe Like in ThisMustBeMyDream's experience, sometimes they do just want a baby though. Her story is very similar to my own. My DH's ex's new boyfriend was presented as my stepson's dad from day one, my DH had to go to court for access, he was desperate to be involved and had to go to her mum' house for contact. She then married her boyfriend and I married DH and we all lived in the same village. Her next child and my first were in the same class at school so eventually we ended up seeing each other on a daily basis, so we chatted occasionally at the school gates. Maybe she did think he was the one initially, but that doesn't mean she didn't also rush into having a baby because that's what she really wanted. She told DH she was on the pill and admitted later that she thought he'd just walk away, so it was a bit of a shock that he took her to court for access. I'm not saying the OP's sister shouldn't be cautious though...of course she should find out the facts and make her own decision, just as I did. There is always the potential for hurt...I was very aware early on that my DH might have gone back to her - not for her but for the baby - but it helped that he was very honest with me from our second date and it also made a big difference to me that he was so committed to being involved with his child's life. Lots of people told me to walk away, but if I had listened or decided the situation was too complicated I would have missed out on a so far very good relationship (over 23 years together now) and wouldn't have had my two lovely sons.