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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is morally wrong?

97 replies

UserUser321 · 13/02/2020 18:44

My sister told me yesterday she’s been seeing this guy for a few weeks.

Totally fine until she told me that he’s only a few months out of a long term relationship and has a 4 month old baby 😦 Apparently the mother ended things when the baby was a few weeks old but I don’t know if this is true or not.

I haven’t said anything but is it bad that I think this is just morally wrong on both of their parts and that my sister should be wary of this guy?

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 14/02/2020 03:50

I don't think it is morally wrong on the part of your sister, but maybe that is because my dd did exactly the same thing. Now that same fella has two children by two different women, neither of whom he can see because of his violent outbursts.

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 03:50

Just loads of red flags though isn’t there.

I don’t know about morals, as they are single.

However this is a mess, and she’s walking into it.

Aquarius1619 · 14/02/2020 06:09

I would see this as a huge red flag. No woman wants to be single so soon after having a baby, there must’ve been a big reason why she left him if that’s true. Tell your sister to keep her wits about her!

Weffiepops · 14/02/2020 06:52

I don't think it's morally wrong, they were both single and available. It just screams red flags, why would a mother of a newborn ditch the father? My first thought is violence because DV often turns up when a baby is born because he doesn't get all the attention anymore. Second thought is he ditched the mum after realising too late he isn't mature enough to be a dad. Last thought is he's a complete arsehole and the mum just thought I can't do this anymore. Either way he doesn't sound like a catch but I don't think anyone is morally wrong.

Weffiepops · 14/02/2020 06:54

I think it's fine for anyone to have a relationship with another 3 months after splitting, baby or not. I think your moral compass is skewed..

Bluntness100 · 14/02/2020 06:55

How old do you think children should be op before you deem it morally acceptable for single parents to date?

Do tell

Oneliner · 14/02/2020 06:57

Good job your sister has you to look out for her moral outrage.

TomeOfSomething · 14/02/2020 07:00

Single women date whilst pregnant? Gosh, surely not?

Fucking hell, surely you are on a wind up?

No woman wants to be single so soon after having a baby, there must’ve been a big reason why she left him if that’s true.

We have no idea why she wanted to be single, or not with him. Maybe she just realised she didnt love him??

There are many reasons why people split up, pregnant, with new born or not.

TomeOfSomething · 14/02/2020 07:02

My first thought is violence because DV often turns up when a baby is born because he doesn't get all the attention anymore. Second thought is he ditched the mum after realising too late he isn't mature enough to be a dad. Last thought is he's a complete arsehole and the mum just thought I can't do this anymore

Wow, you got all of that from the details here?

What about the mum thought, do you know what, I dont love him any more and I dont want this to be what my life is? Or even, I want a baby and my biological clock is ticking I'd better have one soon ...

So many possible reasons where he is not the arsehole

Newmetoday · 14/02/2020 07:08

Why are you assuming it’s the man in the wrong? One of my friends dumped her boyfriend when the baby was 7 months. She wanted a baby.

BumblebeeBum · 14/02/2020 07:23

It would give me pause for thought. He will need to have regular short contact with a baby that young. If he isn’t prioritising that - he’s an awful father and therefore not someone I’d want as a boyfriend for my sister. If he is providing that level of contact while also working full time to support his child, I’d expect he wouldn’t have much time left to conduct a new relationship. And therefore not someone I’d want as a boyfriend for my sister.

The ex girlfriend / mother may also need support at 4 months post partum. Is he providing that? Or does he not see that as his concern? That would worry me.

Ultimately I would be wary, but unless my sister asked my opinion I’d keep stum.

Standrewsschool · 14/02/2020 07:33

If thebaby is only four months old, and she dumped him after a few weeks, then he’s only been single kieterally weeks. Maybe less than a couple of months.

Or was she the ow, and mother found out?

I’m not sure it’s morally wrong, but it would certainly raise some questions. You’d need to know the full facts.

Standrewsschool · 14/02/2020 07:34

“ However this is a mess, and she’s walking into it.”

This

mantarays · 14/02/2020 07:36

Gosh.

kateandme · 14/02/2020 07:37

alsodpeends how the ow became pregnant.ive know a couple who were on the point of breakup.not in a bad way just the time was coming.but they got nostalgic and slept together and voila hello baby.so they still ended up splitting up but are still the greatest team and family just not together.no bad blood,no red flags.just a natural decision that was coming way before the baby.

doistayordoigo · 14/02/2020 07:38

Wow. I like all the wild assumptions that no woman would do this or want that... - like we're all literally the same and have no autonomy over our lives.

When I met my DH his ex was 7 months pregnant...they had been living together briefly, but she basically wanted a baby and as soon as she got pregnant she left. She also met someone else before the baby was born, and wanted my DH to just disappear and leave her to get on with it. I didn't see the situation as a massive red flag, although I was cautious early on. But when I met DH he was devastated that he might not be able to be involved in his child's life. He took his ex to court for contact while she tried to claim that the baby was her new boyfriend's. Not every woman behaves honourably and it's not right to assume that the man is always at fault.

My stepson will be 23 this year, and DH and I have been together since we met, married for 20 years and have 2 sons of our own. Be cautious, yes...but don't assume he's a bad guy until you have something more substantial to go than his ex finished with him.

EnidBlyton · 14/02/2020 07:38

it doesnt look very rosy but it is her life op

JinglingHellsBells · 14/02/2020 07:43

No it's not morally wrong.

You are IMO 'morally wrong' for being so small minded and judgemental.

This is a single man.

How old do you think the baby ought to be before his dad is allowed to see another woman?

6 months
1 year
5 years
18 years

His relationship with the mother is over.
He is still the child's father.

What he does with his love life is separate to that and none of your business.

You need to grow up a bit and realise that relationships don't come in neat little boxes to meet your 'moral' code.

Piggybuttons · 14/02/2020 07:46

You don't sound like you like your sister much...

karencantobe · 14/02/2020 07:50

@doistayordoigo I didn't assume it was the man's fault. But I would want to check out a situation like this very carefully. Because splitting up at this stage where a baby is 2 months old, is unusual. I have known people split up before the baby is born, but not stay together for the birth and then leave so soon after the birth. So I would want to know what exactly happened.

megletthesecond · 14/02/2020 07:52

My ex met his new partner very soon after I kicked him out (youngest was 4 months). Even if there as an overlap she was welcome to him.

Straycatstrut · 14/02/2020 07:52

I wouldn't.

I think having sex whilst pregnant with another mans baby inside you is
a bit yuck (just how I personally feel about it) but I think dating - holding hands, cinema, meals etc is fine and would be good for both people.

karencantobe · 14/02/2020 07:53

@Newmetoday Yet she stayed with him until the baby was 7 months old. Someone who only wanted a baby would have dumped him much earlier.

Straycatstrut · 14/02/2020 07:55

My ex met his new partner very soon after I kicked him out (youngest was 4 months). Even if there as an overlap she was welcome to him.

Yeah mine was cheating on me when I was pregnant and after I'd given birth. He left me for her and all I could think was "You'll see". She got wise to him and left him and now he's trying to crawl back to me and I am ignoring him apart from very formal access agreements

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 08:01

His relationship with the mother is over.

He’s single but his relationship with the mother is far from over. It’s complicated to say the least. I wouldn’t go near a man like this with a barge pole. Even if he turned out to be an angel, I just wouldn’t want to be starting a relationship with someone when they’d just fathered someone else’s child.

There is definitely a point in giving time before finding a new girlfriend, when your last one just had your baby.

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