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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is morally wrong?

97 replies

UserUser321 · 13/02/2020 18:44

My sister told me yesterday she’s been seeing this guy for a few weeks.

Totally fine until she told me that he’s only a few months out of a long term relationship and has a 4 month old baby 😦 Apparently the mother ended things when the baby was a few weeks old but I don’t know if this is true or not.

I haven’t said anything but is it bad that I think this is just morally wrong on both of their parts and that my sister should be wary of this guy?

OP posts:
raspberryk · 13/02/2020 19:49

I started dating when my dd was a few months old, I was single so why not?
I don't think there's anything wrong with dating when pregnant either.

So unless there's more to the story then yabvvvu.

Doggybiccys · 13/02/2020 19:50

Also - you need to research definitions of morality and insanity and chose your words better. You don’t like it - but thankfully you are not the king/queen of the world.

Original poster
UserUser321 · 13/02/2020 19:51

Of course I’ve heard of single parent women dating!

But honestly, I have never heard of or know any woman who has young baby dating and absolutely not dating while pregnant!

OP posts:
JuanSheetIsPlenty · 13/02/2020 19:53

You lead a sheltered life then. Get out more. Broaden your social circle.

Original poster
UserUser321 · 13/02/2020 19:56

I don’t live in a cave but I do live on a small island where this sort of stuff doesn’t happen. Not to my knowledge anyway.

Mumsnet has opened my eyes this evening. Thanks!

OP posts:
TrainspottingWelsh · 13/02/2020 22:09

Is 1950 an island?

Gooseygoosey12345 · 13/02/2020 22:16

My ex and I split when DD was 3 months old. He's a very decent bloke who's still totally present in her life 9 years later. It doesn't make him a scumbag. I'd be pretty annoyed if someone thought that of my ex just because we split. I left him because it just wasn't working and I'd fallen out of love with him, absolutely not his fault!

Gooseygoosey12345 · 13/02/2020 22:18

Oh and he's been with his current gf 8 and half years!!

AmelieTaylor · 13/02/2020 22:27

Come over to the mainland - we need to broaden your outlook on life if this shocks you.

However, I think your duster could be in for a world full of pain or hassle - depending on what’s really gone on.

The least likely situation is the one she’s told you.

But without knowing what has honestly happened, between them and between him & his ex no one can say who is it isn’t morally a bit lacking. At least one if the three of them is somewhat lacking...

MethodToThisMadness · 13/02/2020 23:07

Without knowing the entire back story, it's hard to say. Maybe their relationship was already on the rocks, and the baby was just too much. Maybe she or he was a complete arse. Nobody knows but the two people involved- and your sister will only have heard one side of the story.

If I was your sister, I would want to know how much involvement he has with his child. I would run a mile from someone who doesn't see or pay for their child.

But really it's not anybody else business, and certainly not morally wrong. Nobody is being cheated on, are they?

MethodToThisMadness · 13/02/2020 23:09

The only pause I would have with dating when my children were young is the few people who do prey on single mothers to get access to their children. But that's a valid concern, and obviously people do take steps to prevent that happening. Other than that caution, I don't see a problem with it.

Emijen · 13/02/2020 23:11

I don’t think it’s morally wrong but I don’t think I’d want my sister with a man with this much baggage (depending on her age)

karencantobe · 14/02/2020 00:13

No not morally wrong.
But it is unusual for a couple to split up so soon after the birth of their baby. So if I was her I would be wary and want to know a lot more.

june2007 · 14/02/2020 00:19

Morally wrong? No, Cause to be wary yes,.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 14/02/2020 00:49

I've been both the single mum dating with a baby, and dated two men with 6 month olds.

My first boyfriend (as in first relationship after my now ex husband fucked off when I was 3 months pregnant after cheating!) had a 6 month old when we met. I had a 14 month old. His ex had ended their relationship when the baby was 6 weeks old. No awful reasons, and there was a good coparenting set up. He was a nice guy and I dated him for 8 months, but I didn't l think he was stepdad material despite being a good and devoted father himself. No hidden skeletons or anything. He certainly didn't shirk his responsibilties in any area.

My current boyfriend I met when he also had a 6 month old. His ex dumped him whilst pregnant. They had only been dating for 3 months so didn't really know each other properly. They are really nothing alike and had nothing in common other than a baby on the way. It is no surprise she ended the relationship.

I was his first date after she had dumped him at the start of her pregnancy. So he had been single well over a year at that point. Three years later we are still together. He has more than made the grade with my children, and I am so very glad I met him. He is wonderful. Not without faults (disorganised and forgetful!!) but we compliment each other's faults and the house is a happier, more harmonious place with his presence.

His ex, by the way, met her (now ex actually) boyfriend when her daughter was 1 month old.

So no, I don't think it is morally wrong to date a new parent. It's just a different experience, and one that needs to be handled with care.

bringincrazyback · 14/02/2020 00:51

I voted YABU because you don't know the circumstances and are being quite judgey.

dustibooks · 14/02/2020 00:53

I'd want to know why the woman split up with him at a time when you'd think she'd want her partner to be with her more than ever...

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/02/2020 00:58

My first thought was either your sister was the OW or his ex left him, with a newborn in her arms, because he did something equally awful. I didnt leave my ex when I found out about his cheating when our DD was 5 weeks old because I knew I couldnt cope alone, so for her to chuck him out it must have been bad.

Personally I think your sister is lying, and yes being the OW is morally wrong but it wont end well for her, and when she ends up the same as his ex, being cheated on and lied to, she will realise that. The question is do you love her more than you hate what she has done, if the answer is yes then pop your judgy pants back in the drawer.

HisValentine · 14/02/2020 00:59

My DH was with a woman for five weeks. She dumped him and went back to her ex.

4 months later he found out she was pregnant, the day after our second date. She told him she had an abortion, he offered to go with her and support her. He found out via Facebook this was not the case when I suggested he check just incase.

I didn't dump him.

DH's ex stayed with her ex for two years. I guess they had sex when she was pregnant.

Why should the biological father's stay single and not move on? Especially when in the first few years mother's don't like to be away from their children overnights etc.

Dieu · 14/02/2020 01:30

YANBU. His focus should be on his newborn baby, and not another relationship.

Purpleartichoke · 14/02/2020 01:41

Dating after a breakup isn’t morally wrong, but.....

Women seldom break up with men while caring for newborns without a very compelling reason
And
He has a 4 month old. Since the baby is young he can’t really do overnights and such so he won’t be dealing with sleep deprivation, but he still shouldn’t have free time for Dating. He should be having visits with his baby and letting the mother have breaks. He should be working extra shifts because there are now two households to support. That he hasn’t dedicated himself to the needs of his infant is a huge red flag.

HisValentine · 14/02/2020 01:52

@purple many mother's would not allow the baby to have sleepovers with the ex/father though. You only have to look through the legal section to see that!
Why should these father's be sat at home the time waiting until the mother allows them to see the baby for a hour here and there. It's selfish!

AlanRickmanFanClub · 14/02/2020 01:56

Has your sister asked for your opinion on her relationship? I'm guessing not so best you get on with your own life.

puds11 · 14/02/2020 02:20

Fuck me! Some people Hmm You can date whilst pregnant. You can date with a young baby. You can also date whilst helping raise a young baby. Assume much!

They could have spilt for any number of reasons.

blancheduboiss · 14/02/2020 02:56

It’s now morally wrong as a single person to date another single person?? Who knew ...