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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To spend my birthday how I want to and not let inlaws guilt me?

63 replies

AIBUBirthday · 13/02/2020 16:14

NC as this is very outing due to the dates. My birthday is on Easter Monday this year. While bil and sils birthday is 3 days after mine and its their 30th birthday this year. They are planning on celebrating their birthday with a family meal at mil's house on Easter Monday. Mil is already trying to guilt us (me, dh and our dc) into going (she would not care if I go as long as dh and our toddler goes but would not come out and actually say that). Dh says it's my choice what to do on my birthday. Is it unreasonable that I don't want to spend my birthday celebrating their birthday or spend it alone without my dh or son? It will most likely be made clear the meal is for their birthday and my birthday will barely get acknowledged (I know I sound quite self centered as its also Easter too). Mil is also trying to make out like it's my fault and I'm unreasonable and trying to ruin their 30th birthday. In the past dh and I have gone to mil's house for Easter it was made clear the meal and birthday cake was for them and not me - I was made to feel like a spare unwelcome part. They usually celebrate their birthday on Easter weekend with a family meal even if their birthday is on a different day. Also they did nothing for DH's 30th birthday. In fact bil forgot to send a card until a week later.

AIBU to celebrate my birthday at home?

OP posts:

fedup21 · 13/02/2020 16:16

If you don’t want to go, that’s fine.

I’d make other plans now and tell them you’ve made them.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/02/2020 16:18

Asking you to celebrate their birthday on your birthday is ridiculous. Say no now and in the future and definitely keep your toddler away too.

justausernamex · 13/02/2020 16:19

I was about to say just go and celebrate another time - but the last comment made me change my mind

You could go if your dh would shift the attention to your birthday every time theirs is mentioned. He could instigate a birthday song just for you, while he brings out your favourite cake etc.

But in reality you will have a much better day if you just celebrate with your dh and dc

JustSayYo · 13/02/2020 16:19

They sound pretty awful to deliberately exclude you from the celebration given that it's your birthday on the actual day. How hard would it be to have it a joint celebration for all of you? I'd bow out and do my own thing

BarbaraofSeville · 13/02/2020 16:22

Can't the get together be to celebrate your birthday as well?

You could do something with your DH and DC on another day over the Easter weekend? It doesn't matter what day any of this happens really and it's nice for family to be able to get together and flexibility over dates is often necessary due to work etc.

BacklashStarts · 13/02/2020 16:23

They make you celebrate their birthday on your birthday when they could have the meal on the Friday, Saturday or Sunday. They don’t acknowledge your birthday to the extent of pointing out the cake is not for you but for them even though it’s your birthday and not theirs? Batshit!

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 13/02/2020 16:24

I would have say to go and then do something for your birthday another time, as its their 30th, but then all the stuff you put about their general behaviour and previously making you feel unwelcome etc changed my mind. Go and do your own thing and enjoy your day!

Original poster

AIBUBirthday · 13/02/2020 16:26

BacklashStarts in the past when I went for Easter and they had a meal the cake was for them and I was made to feel unwelcome. Usually my birthday and theirs isn't on Easter Sunday or Monday but it's close so they usually celebrate their birthday with a family meal at Easter.

OP posts:

Frenchw1fe · 13/02/2020 16:30

Do what you want to do on your birthday. If mil says anything point out that nobody celebrated your dh’s 30th so what’s the fuss.
She knows it’s your birthday and she could have picked the Friday,Saturday or Sunday to celebrate the 30th. Don’t feel like the bad person for being assertive. Your dh supports you so plan a nice day out together.

fantasmasgoria1 · 13/02/2020 16:31

Don't go. You will only feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. Spend your birthday however you wish, don't feel that you shoud do what they want. I put up with two sets of in laws that made me feel like crap and I just gave up and told them I would not be doing anything with them or for them etc. Thankfully my current and last mil is awesome.

Chickychoccyegg · 13/02/2020 16:34

no way would i go, make your own birthday plans with dh and ds, mil sounds like a pita.

Pilot12 · 13/02/2020 16:35

I would tell my DH to go to MIL's if he wants but I'm going to celebrate my birthday and Easter with my children.

Why can't they celebrate the 30th on Fri, Sat or Sun? It sounds like she is deliberately ignoring your birthday on purpose.

Backtoreality1 · 13/02/2020 16:35

I was prepared to say YABU as 30th is 'round' birthday. However, based on the rest of your message, send them birthday wishes and take yourself and your family out to celebrate your own birthday. if you wanted to compromise you could always pop round later after the meal to wish them a happy birthday.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 13/02/2020 16:36

I got fed up with always having to be in for family on my birthday. Now I do what I want.

Dustyroad63 · 13/02/2020 16:38

They are being totally selfish and very uncaring.

Don't go and have a crap day on your birthday.
Do something special with the people who love you.

MaggieFS · 13/02/2020 16:42

Given your birthday is actually on the Monday, it would have been polite if of then to arrange for the Friday, Saturday or Sunday given none are their actual birthdays. Just tell them you've already made plans.

Drum2018 · 13/02/2020 16:46

Someone celebrating their birthday on my actual birthday wouldn't bother me - are you also turning 30? However, they cannot force you to go so do what you want. Do you get on with your bil/Sil? Would you socialise with them, keep in regular contact with them? If not I wouldn't bother but if you do get on well with them then I wouldnt miss their birthday meal just to spite your MIL. I would make a point of saying that it seems odd she's making a fuss of the twins, but didn't do the same for Dh.

SageRosemary · 13/02/2020 16:49

in the past when I went for Easter and they had a meal the cake was for them and I was made to feel unwelcome.

How does this happen, what was done or said to make you feel unwelcome? Could it be that something was said in a jocular tone but later you remembered only the words and not the joking intent? I would suck it up for this year for the 30th. Put a big grin on your face and ask in the sweetest tone possible "where's my cake?" Next year, organise time away with your DH and DC. I'm never bothered by my own birthday though, it's nice to get a card but I'm not fussed by presents or cake and I'd hate to have a part thrown for me.

1forAll74 · 13/02/2020 16:51

Just have the kind of day that you want for your birthday,and forget about all these family issues.You have to make your own decisions,no matter what others may think,or say.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 13/02/2020 16:51

Don't go, they sound very unreasonable. Plan a nice day out with your DH and DC and send your apologies.

BacklashStarts · 13/02/2020 16:56

Op I hope my post was clear - I mean they are batshit!

TimeTravellersHat · 13/02/2020 16:57

What a shame that you won’t dance to their tune. How shall they possibly cope?

I’d tell them directly that as it’s MY birthday I’ll spend it how I please.

They sound horrible.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 13/02/2020 16:59

Normally I'd think you were being precious and no adult needs to celebrate their birthday on the exact day but actually they seem quite rude in how they treat you when you're there and didn't even bother with DH's birthday so on this occasion I think YANBU..

SageRosemary · 13/02/2020 17:03

So is anyone else getting weird private messages from a little prick called stevieboy18 after posting on this thread?

flouncyfanny · 13/02/2020 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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