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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend my birthday how I want to and not let inlaws guilt me?

63 replies

AIBUBirthday · 13/02/2020 16:14

NC as this is very outing due to the dates. My birthday is on Easter Monday this year. While bil and sils birthday is 3 days after mine and its their 30th birthday this year. They are planning on celebrating their birthday with a family meal at mil's house on Easter Monday. Mil is already trying to guilt us (me, dh and our dc) into going (she would not care if I go as long as dh and our toddler goes but would not come out and actually say that). Dh says it's my choice what to do on my birthday. Is it unreasonable that I don't want to spend my birthday celebrating their birthday or spend it alone without my dh or son? It will most likely be made clear the meal is for their birthday and my birthday will barely get acknowledged (I know I sound quite self centered as its also Easter too). Mil is also trying to make out like it's my fault and I'm unreasonable and trying to ruin their 30th birthday. In the past dh and I have gone to mil's house for Easter it was made clear the meal and birthday cake was for them and not me - I was made to feel like a spare unwelcome part. They usually celebrate their birthday on Easter weekend with a family meal even if their birthday is on a different day. Also they did nothing for DH's 30th birthday. In fact bil forgot to send a card until a week later.

AIBU to celebrate my birthday at home?

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUBirthday · 13/02/2020 17:06

Drum2018 I don't really get along with bil as he always made me feel unwelcome, especially since having my dc. And sil can be quite selfish and demanding. We don't see them as much now because we were always expected to make the effort and do all the travelling to see them.

OP posts:
MrHaroldFry · 13/02/2020 17:08

Well, I would be livid but would probably go as they are your DH siblings.

However I would were a HUGE Birthday Girl badge and bring my own cake and plonk it on the table just as they were about to sing happy birthday to the DB and DS .
Oh, and helium balloons for just me too 🤣

AryaStarkWolf · 13/02/2020 17:09

YANBU because of the way you're treated when you do go there, how much of an extra effort would it have been to include you as it's also your birthday? Well, if they had been a bit nicer they might not have lost your DHs presence

flouncyfanny · 13/02/2020 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pallisers · 13/02/2020 17:12

I probably wouldn't go - they sound very unwelcoming. If your mil complains say "sure they didn't even acknowledge dh's 30th, I thought 30th birthdays were no big deal with them"

If I did go, I'd have dh bring a cake for me and light candles and make them sing happy birthday to me :)

HollowTalk · 13/02/2020 17:15

Why doesn't your husband say, "OP doesn't want to come because you never make her feel welcome and besides, it's her birthday on that day"?

fairlyplump · 13/02/2020 17:17

since when has being 30 a special birthday, oh when the card shop start selling 30 cards, I get sick to death of all this special birthday malarky because they end in an 0, a birthday is a birthday, just another year older. Do what you want for yours x

LouHotel · 13/02/2020 17:18

Don’t go and your DH is unreasonable for putting it on you when he should be livid his family are behaving this way.

Book a lunch for your family.

HalfBiscuit · 13/02/2020 17:19

Fuck that. Don't go, go out with DC and DH and enjoy your own birthday.

What does DH think?

MaisyMary77 · 13/02/2020 17:24

Do what you want to do and have a great day. They sound horrid.

1Morewineplease · 13/02/2020 17:29

Your birthday, your special day.
You just say to DH “ I’d love to go to a restaurant/have afternoon tea/stomp round a lovely castle/go bowling ( insert what you wish) with you and son. “
Your in-laws should respect that it’s your special day.
If they don’t like it , then your husband needs to have a frank conversation with them.
Hope you get what you want.

Mittens030869 · 13/02/2020 17:31

It sounds as if your DH is being excluded, his 30th birthday wasn't even acknowledged. So he and your DS are also being excluded, so, by extension, obviously you'll be excluded too. I'd say, just leave them to it, celebrate your birthday with your family and friends and forget about them. They sound awful. There's no automatic obligation to visit family members if they treat you badly.

Mittens030869 · 13/02/2020 17:33

Is stevieboy18 the BIL? Very childish from someone who's about to turn 30!! 🤣

AmelieTaylor · 13/02/2020 17:34

Even withoutbthe shitbin the past, arranging their birthday dinner in your birthday is a slap in the face.

Tell DH you are DONE with them and on your birthday you want to do XYZ. Any hint of but, but, but and give him what for, he’s been letting you down for a long time.

Bluerussian · 13/02/2020 17:38

I don't blame you a bit. It does sound as though the family is insensitive but your husband could surely have tried to put that right. Anyway, don't go if you don't want to.

Leet husband go on his own.

SecretMillionaire · 13/02/2020 17:38

Make your own arrangements and give the rest of the family a very wide berth.

eddielizzard · 13/02/2020 17:42

Nope I would not be spending my birthday with them. I'd go, with DH and DS to your family or have a lovely day out, or do whatever you want. But I would not be going to MIL's. I wouldn't speak to her about it either. She can guilt trip as much as she wants, she's behaved appallingly in the past, and if she asks why you don't want to, you can tell her that it's because they make no effort to celebrate your birthday so why would you spend it with them?!?!?

I do know how difficult this is, and the FOG is immense. Make a stand.

Ponoka7 · 13/02/2020 17:43

Every few years my Birthday is on Mother's day, as it is this year.

I got round it by having two Birthdays, sometimes three.

Because they didn't do anything for your DH's 30th birthday then you aren't obliged to go. They've set the bar.

Also because your birthday isn't included in the Birthday celebrations, all the more reason to celebrate it as you want.

Does your MIL expect you to give up any celebration for the rest of her life?

BlueJava · 13/02/2020 17:48

Just do your own thing with DH and DC - organise it then say "Oh, we're already planned something" [smiles]. YANBU!

Drum2018 · 13/02/2020 17:52

In that case @AIBUBirthday organise your own day and let them sod off!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 13/02/2020 18:05

They’re sound horrible and I’m glad your husband seems to acknowledge that. Don’t go, as you’re still going to be made as if you’re in the wrong, no matter what you do.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 13/02/2020 18:08

Mil is also trying to make out like it's my fault and I'm unreasonable and trying to ruin their 30th birthday.

Tell not to be silly and ask her, did she think that the family ruined her other son’s (your DH) 30th birthday, by ignoring it? Her answer will be interesting. 😁

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 13/02/2020 18:18

Sorry, I can't see anything special about a 30th birthday! I think your close family should spend the day with you and celebrate your birthday on the proper day.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 13/02/2020 18:23

Well they shouldn't have arranged it on YOUR birthday!
Don't go.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 13/02/2020 18:29

Backtoreality1 Thu 13-Feb-20 16:35:45
I was prepared to say YABU as 30th is 'round' birthday. However, based on the rest of your message, send them birthday wishes and take yourself and your family out to celebrate your own birthday. if you wanted to compromise you could always pop round later after the meal to wish them a happy birthday.

No! It's YOUR birthday
They can pop round and visit you!
Their birthday is closer to the following weekend anyway!