To "help" out a friend

[blinded101]

I think I already know the answer and feel absolutely terrible about what I have just done.

I'm currently living in a hostel and have made "friends" with a girl a few doors down. I say friends but she has only been here a few months and we mostly just talk in the kitchen or the garden when we see each other. She doesn't seem to have any friends and I think she feels we are closer friends than we are if that makes sense. She is a nice person and I do like her but try to keep the friendship at a distance as I have a young baby and am a bit wary of her as she is not usually the kind of person I would be friends with.

She is the same age as me (early 20s) and has told me a lot about herself and her life before she moved here. She's a recovering heroin addict and has supposedly been clean for 3 months. I think everyone deserves a chance and she talks a lot about bettering herself and restarting her life which I obviously support.

About an hour ago I heard a lot of shouting from her room. She then called me in tears asking to borrow £20 as she was really ill and needed to get something. I said no at first but she became really hysterical and was saying that no one would help her and I was all she had.

I went out to meet her and she was sweating, shaking and crying that she hadn't had her methadone for 3 days and needed some heroin as she couldn't get any more until tomorrow. She looked terrible and could hardly speak properly.

I told her I didn't want to give her money to buy drugs as she had done so well to stay clean and I didn't want to be the reason she went back to it. She said that in the past her own mum has resorted to giving her money as when she is this ill it is the only thing that will help. She also said that she took some around 5 weeks ago just once as she had forgotten to get her methadone which I now am not sure I believe and I think she may have said this just to convince me to give her the money.

She was so different to her normal self and for the first time I felt really uncomfortable around her. In the end I gave in and transferred her the money. I was really upset at this point but she was really manic and I didn't know what else to do. If I hadn't she probably would have been knocking on my door all night.

I feel so horrible but I don't know what else I could have done. What would you have done in this situation?

It's done now, so please don't beat yourself up - I don't judge you as I've never been in that situation. But I think you should tell her tomorrow that she won't ever get another penny out of you again to spend on drugs, so if in future she forgets her methadone it's her own look-out. And distance yourself.

What @fetchez said, really. Get some very clear boundaries in place, you don’t want to be seen as an easy hound for fix money. I get the feeling her mum “used to” buy was taken advantage of hence her now being in the hostel. Do be careful.

Do be careful, I realise it must be difficult living in a hostel but you can try to keep some distance.

Please don't give the girl any more money, you gave her the benefit of the doubt but once is enough. She has to sort out her own methadone regime.

You have a baby and must protect yourself and the baby.

I really hope you're not in the hostel for long.

Take care.

I've known a lot of addicts and unfortunately they lie, a lot. One thing they don't do (ime), is forget their methadone. They do sometimes take heroin instead, or as well as methadone. But forget it? No. I don't think so.

Distance yourself, protect your child. I'd also be tempted to tell your accommodation provider - I doubt using heroin fits in with her accommodation deal.

She needs help with her addiction she, I understand why you gave her money would probably done the same. However I would report it and tell her that it was a once off and avoid her in future.

it's extremely rare, for methadone to not be available for people who need it to be available. How do you know, that this person can be trusted? What is "her normal self"? Does her normal self involve you? She lives in a hostel for a reason, as do you. There's usually staff available, waking or sleeping shifts, that you can call. Or, failing everything else, 999.

You did what you had to do in an uncomfortable situation where you were caught by surprise, and you don't ever have to do that again. Don't feel bad about what you did--I don't think it would be normal to resist.But now that you've done it once, you can say "I regret it," and move on.

@FallenAngel01 she didn't say it was unavailable just that she had forgotten to pick it up.

I don't know that she can be trusted but tbh there isn't really any need to trust her. The only time we really speak is when we see each other around (which is usually about every other day). I have also driven her to the shop on my way out. I would NEVER allow her to be around my baby alone and she knows she's not allowed to touch her anyway as I don't feel comfortable with it.

I live in the hostel as my landlord was selling the house and I'm struggling to find another I can afford. She is here because her mum kicked her out because of her drug addiction. She's usually very nice and chatty, will open the door for me when I have the buggy etc. A bit overly friendly but others have said this too so it's not just me.

I've never been in this kind of situation or actually known anyone on hard drugs and I just feel really upset about it and now quite uncomfortable living here.

don't feel bad she put you in a tricky situation, try keep your distance and don't give anymore ££'s
Being in a hostel is hard enough you don't need stress from this women.

Addicts should not be in the same hostel's has kids imo

@FallenAngel01 There is no cctv of me "handing over money for drugs" as it was a bank transfer. I also work closely with social services and there is no way that would happen. Thanks for your thoughtful comment

@FallenAngel01 Perhaps Google the word 'drug dealer'. The OP is not one. Also, "xx" is not punctuation.

OP, this sounds really hard. I think you need to distance yourself completely as this could very well happen again if this woman knows she can get drug money from you. She obviously lied to you. Addicts don't "forget" to take drugs.

I've known a lot of addicts and unfortunately they lie, a lot. One thing they don't do (ime), is forget their methadone.

Me too and I agree. I've heard a lot of excuses someone didn't take their methadone and needs heroin but never ever known anyone to forget it.

fallen angel is talking crap. I will report her post but I’ve just read another thread where her commented have been deleted.

@FallenAngel01

Sorry if this sounds rude, but you're talking rubbish.
The op has simply lent/ given the money to another resident knowing that she intended t to buy drugs for herself. This doesn't make the op a drug dealer. She's not selling drugs, which would make her a drug dealer. Neither is she buying them for herself or using drugs.
While it was probably unwise and misguided for op to give her the money, it is not a reason for her child to be removed from her.
OP- heroin addicts will lie and steal if neeeded to get their drugs. I doubt you'll get your money back. As someone above has already said, report it to the hostel manager and distance yourself from her.

I know it sounds really naive but I do believe she will pay me back and that she hasn't been using regularly since I've known her. She is very keen to please people and often offers people to borrow things/money/cigarettes although no one ever accepts.

Even if I don't get the money back it wouldn't be the end of the world and will at least make it easier to say no if she asks again.

I'm definitely not a push over and am normally quite assertive but I had no idea how to deal with this and just wanted to get away from her

suspect @FallenAngel01 may be high on drugs herself

i would alert the hostel manager - if the woman is hassling you for money, undoubtedly for drugs, she is probably hassling /harassing others as well, and as a pp has suggested, it's probably out of line with any contract she has to be in the hostel.

She might. But bear in mind that (particularly opiate) users can be utterly lovely but also lie through their teeth all the time. I have immense empathy and time for people with addictions. That doesn't mean I believe a word a heroin addict says.

She caught you by surprise - I imagine quite deliberately. Unfortunately, people who are dependent on drugs are pretty manipulative (I've got experience of a close family member who is). She has picked you out as being kindhearted and susceptible to a sob story.

Presumably she's meant to be learning how to manage her addiction, which includes organising herself to pick up her methadone when she needs to. Probably her mum has thrown her out to make her stand on her own two feet.

You shouldn't blame yourself for giving her the benefit of the doubt, but you should make it clear it was a one-off, and there won't be any more emergency loans.

She isn’t your friend. She’s an addict and highly manipulative, and marked you out as an easy touch. She’ll be back for more, when she does you’ll have no money to give her. In the mean-time do yourself a favour and keep your distance. Nothing good can come of being close to an addict

I don’t blame you for giving it, I would have done the same. You would be right to keep her at arms length as you have been doing, she will likely ask again and your perfect excuse is sorry you just haven’t got it to give just as she hasn’t got it to spend! If I were you, I would always be in a “hurry” from now on with your dealings with her kept short and sweet! If you nip it in the bud, it hopefully won’t be an issue for you.

When she first moved in I did try to avoid her but it's virtually impossible as she never seems to go out. She usually comes to the kitchen when I'm cooking and I can't really leave until I'm finished which until now wasn't a big deal as she is "nice" and I didn't mind talking to her.

I would rather tell her outright that I don't want to be friends but it's bad enough living here without worrying about her turning nasty or causing problems for me

I would massively distance myself. If she asks what's up just tell her you're really desperate for that £20 back and you aren't happy with her at all.

She will never pay you back so you won't ever be expected to be "mates" with her again.

Also if she ever comes to you in that state again just advise her to ring an ambulance and then stay away. You have a daughter to think about. Sadly you cannot trust this woman.

be incredibly careful.there was a story locally about a situation as yours and the drug dealer beat up the 'giver' as they addict had told him after taking the drugs that she would be paying.please be careful.they will do anything for drugs.including telling their dealers someone esle is paying!