To "help" out a friend

[blinded101]

I think I already know the answer and feel absolutely terrible about what I have just done.

I'm currently living in a hostel and have made "friends" with a girl a few doors down. I say friends but she has only been here a few months and we mostly just talk in the kitchen or the garden when we see each other. She doesn't seem to have any friends and I think she feels we are closer friends than we are if that makes sense. She is a nice person and I do like her but try to keep the friendship at a distance as I have a young baby and am a bit wary of her as she is not usually the kind of person I would be friends with.

She is the same age as me (early 20s) and has told me a lot about herself and her life before she moved here. She's a recovering heroin addict and has supposedly been clean for 3 months. I think everyone deserves a chance and she talks a lot about bettering herself and restarting her life which I obviously support.

About an hour ago I heard a lot of shouting from her room. She then called me in tears asking to borrow £20 as she was really ill and needed to get something. I said no at first but she became really hysterical and was saying that no one would help her and I was all she had.

I went out to meet her and she was sweating, shaking and crying that she hadn't had her methadone for 3 days and needed some heroin as she couldn't get any more until tomorrow. She looked terrible and could hardly speak properly.

I told her I didn't want to give her money to buy drugs as she had done so well to stay clean and I didn't want to be the reason she went back to it. She said that in the past her own mum has resorted to giving her money as when she is this ill it is the only thing that will help. She also said that she took some around 5 weeks ago just once as she had forgotten to get her methadone which I now am not sure I believe and I think she may have said this just to convince me to give her the money.

She was so different to her normal self and for the first time I felt really uncomfortable around her. In the end I gave in and transferred her the money. I was really upset at this point but she was really manic and I didn't know what else to do. If I hadn't she probably would have been knocking on my door all night.

I feel so horrible but I don't know what else I could have done. What would you have done in this situation?

OP, she's probably dead nice but an addict is an addict and they will steal and lie to get their fix. A few friends in my youth became heroin addicts, so I'm speaking from experience. They were lovely until heroin got its claws into them.

Make sure she isn't in a position to steal from you.

Now that you know she will ask you for money, you need some ready made excuses. I really would consider speaking to the manager of the building about this.

Op, don’t punish yourself, but do distance yourself from her. Yes you did give her money to buy drugs, but she would have found/stole/earned the money regardless so don’t feel bad for that. But you really do need to stay away now. If she knocks don’t answer or make an excuse why you’re busy. If she wants money tell her you have none and last resort call the hostel supervisor or even the police if you feel threatened.

Thanks for all your advice.

I would definitely say no if she asked again I was just really caught off guard.

I'm hoping she doesn't pay me back as then hopefully she'll be the one avoiding me!

I don't feel so bad anymore just really sorry for her and what she's doing to herself. She has texted me to tell me she found her meds which I know is a lie as I heard her on the phone earlier. She also said that she feels upset that I said she couldn't be near my daughter anymore but I haven't replied.

I will speak to the manager in the morning as I really don't think she should be around children. There's an 8 year old in the room between us who must have been able to hear her and I hate the thought of her taking drugs literally a few feet away from her

@EerieSilence you don't know me at all you've literally just read a few messages from me and come to this assumption. If she was threatening me or my baby I don't think it would be Mumsnet I come to to ask for advice

Ask yourself why someone who is determined to get clean and start their life afresh just ‘forgets’ to get their methadone, when they are presumably out of work and hanging around in a hostel all day.

And ask her on a day when you know she has some money due in shortly to prioritise giving your 20 quid back because you need urgently for your baby. Let’s see if she pays you back or comes up with a million excuses.

Tbh you know she's spun you a yarn OP. Personally I'd speak to my housing officer and put it across confidentially as evidence to quicken the moving into your own accommodation process. State you felt obligated to give her the money and you felt massively uncomfortable, but pushed into a corner to do it. State you feel that even if she's moved out of the accommodation she's well aware of where you live and you have a genuine fear of repurcussions. I'd highlight safeguarding concerns surrounding your child and yourself and that your current accommodation obviously isn't meeting your needs.

I'd block her number and report to the manager, you meant well but now you need to step away.

Good for you OP, just stick with this and always remember you can call the police if something does happen that needs a quick response. I hope she stays away now, but she doesn’t deserve any loyalty. I hope you can find a place to move onto soon x

@WhereShallWeMoveTo the saddest thing is she seemed to be doing really well and a few weeks ago started a part time job which she was really enjoying.

@Lalala205 thanks, didn't think of that -the council are not much help with private renting and have just said that it "takes time" so they might try and help to avoid having to house me

Also report the incident to your case worker (if you have one), and its also worth getting in touch with your local councillor/MP to flag up you feel you've been exposed to a vulnerable position. If it's a mixed hostel for single women/with children they really need to be risk managing potential situations that put children at risk. Don't just let them fob you off.

@Lalala205 it's a 65 room hostel with men, women and children unfortunately. They seem to put all of the drug addicts/alcoholics on one side but if there are free rooms they will put them wherever. The local mp is horrible but I will inform the housing officer if he bothers to answer the phone!

Put it in writing (email is best) so you have that as proof. Copy the Council, housing provider, and MP into it, make it a formal complaint. Also get your HV and GP on board. I'd make an appointment with GP and discuss the impact of it on your anxiety, and mental health. Any communication cc everyone into it and keep it as one email follow on email so information/responses can't be 'misplaced'. State you feel unsafe and make an appeal for higher housing banding to council for priority need.

The truth is you have been bullied by another resident into giving them money.

I'm really sorry you've found yourself in this situation. You might find Alanon Family Groups can help you get a useful perspective. There are child friendly meetings.

@FallenAngel01 don't be ridiculous.

Meanwhile, back in the real world...OP my brother was a heroin addict (I guess technically he always will be, although he doesn't use anymore). Don't feel bad about giving her money, they lay the guilt trip on thick and heavy and don't really take no for answer; I'm guessing you felt you had no choice. £20 won't get her much unless she already had money, but the sad truth is to addicts drugs will always, always come first. I know it's hard in your living situation, but if you can stay well clear. No doubt she needs support, but with a little one I wouldn't get involved at all. If I ever met an addict I run a mile, it may sound unsympathetic but I spent enough of my childhood dealing with that shit.

You sound really nice. Unfortunately to her that’s a weakness. She will keep doing this. Don’t let her. Tell her you want your money back and refuse all other interaction. Really, she will drag you down, chew you up and spit you out. Stay away

This is a horrible situation to be in op.

I really feel for you.

Do your best to distance yourself from her and do all you can to get moved elsewhere!

I really hope you can move soon.

Don't worry about her paying you back - she won't. She is a heroin addict and her world revolves around her next fix or methadone dose. I know you're sorry she's fallen off the wagon (you sound a really kind and caring person) but she is not your worry. You don't need an excuse to not fund her next fix, just keep repeating 'No, I'm sorry' and don't listen to her manipulations. Fortunately your baby is too young to know/remember any of this and I hope you find somewhere more permanent soon. Good luck 🤞

Don't feel guilty but don't get sucked in to her daily drug routine. The only person who can help her is her. Getting methodone daily can be become hard work for some addicts who are not completely committed. So she probably didn't forget, more likely it is not enough or she was refused it if she was tested and found to have taken heroin.

You helped her out on the day, she was obviously in withdrawal and did need something. You can be friendly at a distance but just tell her you can't have any further involvement in her drug taking.

you havent been tricked either op.this doesnt mean you cant read people or trust people.she is probably a lovely girl.but addiction is an illness.its the evil and manipulater not your friend.and she wont acrively be going out and praising herself if she tricks you.infact the guilt and shame of having to do it is one of the thing that keeps her hating herself and add to the addiction!shes not bad.just rrally poorly.and they will then do anything to get drugs.when there body is cscreaming and torturing them its their own fight for survival.
she didnt find the weakness in your or someone she could trcik.she saw a kindness and her getting drugs was from you was her needing your kindness in a way.
dont feel bad.
im keeping everything crossed that you find yourself somewhere soon.iwish i new about this stuff an so could give you some magic answer so you could find yourself a home.but i cant.
but good good good luck.

It's dangerous to take heroin on top of methadone. The methadone dose is calculated on the basis of not adding heroin to it.

She won't have got this far without being manipulative and working on vulnerable people to support her habit. You need boundaries for when she comes asking again. A recovering addict will not allow herself to run out of methadone. You are in the hostel due to lack of finance, so do not have it spare to "lend". The only way you might see your money again is by her scamming another person to repay you, but only after her "needs" are met. She will not be thinking of you, your dd or getting help beyond that. Do not allow yourself or your dc to be dragged into her lifestyle. Unfortunately she will probably just move on to another victim once you refuse while loading guilt on you.

God, OP, it sounds really hard.

I think the most important thing is that you were being hassled by a shouting, swearing, shaking person in the middle of the night, and this is not safe for a mother and baby.

Good luck in your conversation with the manager and I will keep my fingers crossed for a better living situation for you very soon.

(I used to go out with a social worker who specialised in clients on methadone programmes. I agree, they don’t forget for 3 days. But they do sell methadone to buy heroin)

Just be aware that she will probably come back and ask you for money again. Heroin addicts are manipulative and desperate and they’ll do anything to get money for drugs and will ask anyone. They’ll also not see why you’re upset with them. She’s a heroin addict who harassed you for money, FFS. And no addict forgets to pick up their methadone, they’re always counting the hours until their next methadone dose.

I’m related to more than one former heroin addict. It messes with your head because it’s easy to feel sorry for them, to want to help them but also to be taken advantage of, lied to and emotionally manipulated.

It’s up to if you want to stay in friendly terms with her, but if you do - abd even if you don’t - you need to let her know that you won’t be giving money to her for any reason at all. Not because her mum has died and she needs a taxi to get the the funeral, not because debt collectors are going to come and break her legs, or because she’s ‘forgotten’ her methadone.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but it helps to not buy into whatever they are telling you. It’s honestly worth treating most things she says as fiction.