Page 3 | To "help" out a friend

oakleaffy · 22/07/2020 23:32

@blinded101
Did you get your £20 back?
Many many years ago, as a teenager, I lived in stressy accommodation {Georgian terrace on London fields that has now been utterly gentrified, but back then was really grim and was also asked for a specific amount of money by an older woman I was wary of.
I lent her the money [against my better judgement]
Of course, I didn't get it back when promised.

I went to her room.....and was appalled.

she was lying comatose on a urine soaked mattress, and worse, the urine was dropping onto the floor...and had been for weeks.

It was a sight I never forgot. The poor woman was a severe alcoholic.
Strangely she did actually pay me back, but I got the hell out of that place.
A few years later, in a house we'd managed to buy, I saw the hostel on a Channel 4 programme called ''Gimme Shelter''...
Homelessness/housing is a serious problem, and hostels are far from ideal.Especially for people with children..I really hope somehow you can one day buy your own place...It seemed impossible to me at the time.

In such places, if the other residents work, they are hassled for money,''you work, you must have money'' and if they got benefits, the other residents knew when their giro came through...

And it was not easy to refuse money. I had my room broken into and my radio/tape player stolen...the door was just kicked in.

Is there any way you can get the hell out of there? I do realise it isn't easy, but the low level of stress caused by living in these places is very exhausting.

Original poster

blinded101 · 23/07/2020 01:14

@oakleaffy I did actually, she knocked on my door two days later and I didn't answer. She talked at me through the door for 10 minutes without a response and then put it under the door.

Your hostel sounds a lot worse then mine was Poor woman.. it's so hard not to feel sorry for them and want to help but you just have to accept that you can't help someone if they don't want to help themselves.

I'm still looking for somewhere to rent with no luck. I finished maternity leave and am back working part time but it's still impossible to find anywhere affordable

My DD's dad broke into the hostel and attacked me a few days after this post so I did get moved and am now in a one bedroom but still temporary accommodation.

OP posts:

oakleaffy · 23/07/2020 01:36

@blinded101..
That is terrifying for you... I'm not that surprised you got your money back....Because people like to use you as ''banker'' in future!....
It was clearly bizarre that she had said she had ''forgotten'' her methadone...
People tend not to... unless they are using heroin and have no need.
When I was at the hostel {Turns out it was a completely unregulated one, run by ''criminals''..It was an ''experience''...
There were a lot of much, much older Irishmen there, quite violent, but one was very sweet...{Also an Alcoholic like ''Kathy''}..It was bitterly cold, and I went to his room for something, and found him in a delirious fever, ..next to his bed was a cup full of red froth...I thought it was a drink... and he said ''Don't touch that, love''......it was sputum from his poor lungs. He seemed to imagine I was someone else, someone from his past....
I should have called an ambulance for him, but was way out of my depth.
Rents in London were savage, even back then, but eventually I asked{after a few more moves} to be taken in to a hostel I'd heard of in Kingston, which was much nicer, for people under 22, and there was 24 hr security.
It was a godsend.
The reason I was there was because a landlord had wanted to sell his house, and we came back to find big padlocks on all the doors...We called Police who were very sympathetic, but could do nothing.
None of us had a tenancy agreement!..{I had moved in with a ''bad lot'' boyfriend, and had no idea about such things like tenancy agreements}

I googled ''bad lot'' BF a few years ago, and he too has a house, and is married and working in a social field.

Good luck!

blubellsarebells · 23/07/2020 01:52

Addicts dont forget to pick up methodone.
Neither are people using methodone clean.
Addicts lie. And lie and lie and lie.
I understand why you did it this time but please never give her money again.
Shes had years of learning how to manipulate, emotionally blackmail and lie to people so they give her what she wants.
The fact she cant still go to her own mother but is coming to you someone she hardly knows tells you everything you need to know, she will have used and lied to a lot of people to get to you as the first point of call.
Youve got your baby to think of, this woman is nobody to you as much as her situation is sad and desperate.
I hope you can move out of the hostel and get settled with your daughter soon, you sound like a lovely person.
My brother is a heroin addict so I know how these people work, I've walked away. Some people can't be helped.

StinkySink · 23/07/2020 02:17

Please be careful.

I’ve had first hand experience with an addict and nothing has changed after 22 years when they first got into it. Lying and stealing from family, friends, neighbours, partners and strangers. Numerous jail sentences haven’t even deterred them.

Keep her away from you and never allow her in your room.

FortunesFave · 23/07/2020 02:20

She's not your friend OP. She's an addict and now you've given in once, she'll be at your door constantly. Keep saying no.

Emmmie · 23/07/2020 02:24

Addicted parents have been known to offer their small daughters to drug dealers for abuse in exchange for drugs. There is nothing an addict wouldn’t do for drugs.

OP, if I were you, I would stay away from this person. Nothing good can come out of this friendship. She didn’t forget her methadone. She lied to you and she would do it again. She is not your problem so don’t feel bad. You have your little one to protect.

Boomclaps · 23/07/2020 02:32

Hi Op @blinded101,
I am pleased you came back, I was thinking about you just the other day. I’m pleased you’re somewhere a little safer and so sorry about all the stuff with your ex.
Everything crossed you’re safe and secure soon. ❤️

Everyone else rtft 🤦‍♀️

Butterer · 23/07/2020 02:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anordinarymum · 23/07/2020 03:01

@blinded101

I think I already know the answer and feel absolutely terrible about what I have just done.

I'm currently living in a hostel and have made "friends" with a girl a few doors down. I say friends but she has only been here a few months and we mostly just talk in the kitchen or the garden when we see each other. She doesn't seem to have any friends and I think she feels we are closer friends than we are if that makes sense. She is a nice person and I do like her but try to keep the friendship at a distance as I have a young baby and am a bit wary of her as she is not usually the kind of person I would be friends with.

She is the same age as me (early 20s) and has told me a lot about herself and her life before she moved here. She's a recovering heroin addict and has supposedly been clean for 3 months. I think everyone deserves a chance and she talks a lot about bettering herself and restarting her life which I obviously support.

About an hour ago I heard a lot of shouting from her room. She then called me in tears asking to borrow £20 as she was really ill and needed to get something. I said no at first but she became really hysterical and was saying that no one would help her and I was all she had.

I went out to meet her and she was sweating, shaking and crying that she hadn't had her methadone for 3 days and needed some heroin as she couldn't get any more until tomorrow. She looked terrible and could hardly speak properly.

I told her I didn't want to give her money to buy drugs as she had done so well to stay clean and I didn't want to be the reason she went back to it. She said that in the past her own mum has resorted to giving her money as when she is this ill it is the only thing that will help. She also said that she took some around 5 weeks ago just once as she had forgotten to get her methadone which I now am not sure I believe and I think she may have said this just to convince me to give her the money.

She was so different to her normal self and for the first time I felt really uncomfortable around her. In the end I gave in and transferred her the money. I was really upset at this point but she was really manic and I didn't know what else to do. If I hadn't she probably would have been knocking on my door all night.

I feel so horrible but I don't know what else I could have done. What would you have done in this situation?

I have not read any other replies,so apologies if anyone else has already said this.

Do not give her another penny. She is lying to you.

famousforwrongreason · 23/07/2020 03:21

Poor you op, what a shitty situation all round.
I grew up in similar environments and have also worked in them as well as having addicts around all my life.
It's intense and that world can be really murky.

I really really hope you're housed soon too.
In the meantime please keep your boundaries up and keep on with the local authority as well as private landlords. Stay out as much as possible and recruit staff support with regards to the woman.
She's also in a very shitty situation but she's already put you under pressure and you don't need it.
Give an addict an inch they will take the whole ruler.
I'm sure she has plenty of professional support.
Remember 'boundaries boundaries boundaries, don't leave your room without them.'

famousforwrongreason · 23/07/2020 03:24

[quote blinded101]@oakleaffy I did actually, she knocked on my door two days later and I didn't answer. She talked at me through the door for 10 minutes without a response and then put it under the door.

Your hostel sounds a lot worse then mine was Poor woman.. it's so hard not to feel sorry for them and want to help but you just have to accept that you can't help someone if they don't want to help themselves.

I'm still looking for somewhere to rent with no luck. I finished maternity leave and am back working part time but it's still impossible to find anywhere affordable

My DD's dad broke into the hostel and attacked me a few days after this post so I did get moved and am now in a one bedroom but still temporary accommodation. [/quote]
Oh love, just read your update. Glad you're out too. I could cry reading this as have lived this. Sorry your dd's dad is such a cunt. Really hope it gets you the safe address you need though .
Wish I could do more to help.

eveningfalls · 23/07/2020 04:14

she had forgotten to get her methadone that never happens

it is done now, she will keep coming back to you. Don't ever give way again.Just mind yourself

PatricksRum · 23/07/2020 04:40

I remember following this at the time.

You must have been petrified OP. Are you safe where you are now?

Everyone else:
R
T
F
T

eaglejulesk · 23/07/2020 05:28

Just wanted to day I am so pleased you got out of that hostel, and good luck with finding a permanent place for you and DD

Rosebel · 23/07/2020 05:41

I'm glad you are out of there as it sounds like you had a really rough time. Don't blame yourself for giving her the money. Addicts lie, cheat and steal, all they care about is their next fix. My brother is a recovering herrion addict and this is what he said.
Anyway I'm assuming /hoping she doesn't know where you are so won't hassle you again. (Am actually amazed you got your money back).

Pesimistic · 23/07/2020 06:26

Dont do it again, I dont think a heroin addict will forget to get their methadone, she probably used it all and had run out and then was having withdrawal symptoms. Drug users will say and do anything to get a fix so dont be sucked into it.

oakleaffy · 23/07/2020 08:21

Urgh!

OP has moved on now....She no longer lives in the place where ''Methadone'' girl was.

As for the complete downer on ''Methadone users''....not ALL are the devil incarnate, and {this will be an unpopular view, but one I hold}
it is the illegality of heroin that causes the issues, and poor technique in injecting {although people also smoke it}
IF pure 'Diamorphine' was prescribed, it would be far better, less ''addictive'' than methadone ..
UK used to have NO drug crime problems when 'addicts' were prescribed Diamorphine...Bing Spear from the Home Office wrote about this, when they took over the ''American System'' he said ''Now will come the crime''......and he was correct.

Now, however, the Genie is well and truly out of the bottle...We have hundreds of thousands of addicts and recreational users, and gangs grow fat on the misery of others.

It is important to remember, too, the amount of 'wealthy' middle class people who use class A's.

On a walk down a Green Lane Tetbury area I saw drug litter....{cocaine and heroin}

My friend came back with her Marigolds to clear it away, and phoned the Police... They were like ''What do you expect us to do, Madam?Hide behind an Oak tree til they come back?''

Friend was horrified and said ''They must have come from Bristol''......

Unlikely....

BunningAndStrave · 23/07/2020 10:59

The only time we really speak is when we see each other around (which is usually about every other day)

I've a feeling you're going to be seeing her a lot more from now on op. She's got you down as an easy mark now.

Report her to the hostel managers, her place there will be dependent on being clean.

oakleaffy · 23/07/2020 18:46

@BunningAndStrave..

Read the thread...OP long since left the hostel, so luckily she won't see the young woman again.
Plus OP will be ''Once bitten, twice shy'' about lending £ again {which she did get back, by the way.