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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has changed his mind

75 replies

FlintstoneFred · 12/02/2020 22:08

DH and I are both from the same part of the UK and when we first met 10 years ago, he told me that he has always wanted to live at pretty much the opposite end of the country due to having visited there as a child. At the time, I wasn’t keen but over the years he’s talked about it so much and we’ve visited regularly, I too have come to want to move. A job in this area has now come up, I’ve been emailing the manager about relocating and I’m really excited about this opportunity, especially as it means DH will finally get to realise his long held dream.

Only he now tells me he’s got cold feet and isn’t sure it’s the right thing to do?! I’m so angry and disappointed that he’s built me up to this and now he changes his mind. Not sure what my AIBU is, more of a rant really but any advice is welcome!!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/02/2020 22:10

Sounds like the dream is preferable to the reality.

Tell him you need to sit down and make a decision. You go or you never mention it again.

Lmbunny · 12/02/2020 22:17

I think he will most likely come around to the idea again, remind him of all the good points about moving there.

You only live once and this is the chance to live his dream, and yours now too.

I would be like you and feel so disappointed, especially as it was his idea in the 1st place.

Good luck @FlintstoneFred x

Kirkman · 12/02/2020 22:22

He hasnt done it on purpose. Try and remember that.

And all so, he has wanted to do it for years. You didnt want to. But now all for it because you found a great job, he could likely feel annoyed that it's always been no. But now it suits you, it's time to go. Even though it doesnt suit him.

Not saying he does. Just saying that how people feel is how they feel. You cant help that it took so long for you to come round. He cant help how he feels now.

Original poster
FlintstoneFred · 12/02/2020 22:27

I don’t want to go because of the job. He talked me into going and now a job has come up which will enable us to make the move. So now after making initial arrangements to move, he changes his mind! After years of persuading me this is the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Kirkman · 13/02/2020 05:39

But that's what I am saying, it hasnt gone ahead because it took you a long time to come round.

I am sure you didnt do that just to enjoy him or waste his time. I am just saying he cabt helps how he feels.

You need a good talk and just to work out if it's cold feet and why he thinks it isnt right anymore.

cushioncovers · 13/02/2020 05:41

Why has he changed his mind?

Firstawake · 13/02/2020 07:32

Does he realise how you feel, what is his response?

TheNoiseHurts · 13/02/2020 07:34

Has he explained why?

UnsuitableAvocado · 13/02/2020 07:44

Can you say what area of the country it is you were looking to relocate to? If it's an area any of us live in, we may be able to offer support, advice and 'pros' to put to him which may persuade your DH.

I would actually start a thread along the lines of Tell me what's amazing about Cornwall / Whitley Bay / Wherever.
Might help?

TheTeenageYears · 13/02/2020 07:50

In my experience Men are very often dreamers who only actually deal with anything when it’s smacking them in the mouth. It follows for so many things and they only seem to properly process at crunch time.

Sorry you’ve been lead up the garden path OP. It’s definitely time for him to piss on the pot or get off. If the later all talk of moving needs to completely stop. I would be furious in your shoes.

KatherineJaneway · 13/02/2020 08:50

Some people talk a lot of pie in the sky but that is all it is. Talk. I've made the mistake of believing them before.

At least now you know, he talks a lot but doesn't mean it.

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2020 08:59

What about his job?

Original poster
FlintstoneFred · 13/02/2020 09:22

To answer a few questions, he doesn’t enjoy his job and part of the reason he wanted to move was so he didn’t have to do it any more. The job I’ve been offered would allow him to do whatever he wants. It would be a complete lifestyle change. He’s now saying that actually he does quite like
his job and isn’t sure if he wants to leave after all, after years of complaining about it. I think he’s got cold feet now that it’s a real possibility, the problem is that he’s managed to persuade me that the move is a good idea and I want to go! I would never have wanted to go if he hadn’t brought it up in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlintstoneFred · 13/02/2020 09:22

Only last week he said he would move in a heartbeat if he had the chance...

OP posts:
ElbasAbsentPenis · 13/02/2020 09:32

Oh man, this sounds like the plot of Revolutionary Road! Man goes on for years about wanting to move to Europe and write; his wife says, ‘let’s do it!’ and he suddenly imagines himself sitting around in an egg-stained dressing gown while she goes off all smartly dressed to work in a glamorous foreign city, and realises he preferred it when he could lay the blame on her for not realising his true potential...

cheeseaddict420 · 13/02/2020 09:34

I would be mega pissed off with this OP. I'd ask for a proper explanation and try to have a calm conversation about this, but inside I would be fuming.

For the sake of your marriage though I'd try to leave it for a day and then try to speak about it calmly. That would also give you time to collect your thoughts and maybe make a mental list of how long he has talked about moving, the number of times you have been there, how often he talks about it - make clear to him when you speak that this change of heart has totally blindsided you.

God I would be fuckin so annoyed though if I were you

JacquesHammer · 13/02/2020 09:35

Hang on, so for years it has been about what he wanted to do. This "dream", and now it is STILL about what he wants to do?

Does he give any consideration as to what you want?

MatildaTheCat · 13/02/2020 09:38

Are you sure this isn’t just his knee jerk reaction? It’s quite a scary prospect to change everything in your life even if you think you want it.

Could you do a trial run for a year or two? Very few things have to be permanent.

Summerhillsquare · 13/02/2020 09:40

This sounds like a power struggle. Is he generally a 'grass is always greener' person?

cushioncovers · 13/02/2020 10:14

Sounds like he's all talk. 🤷🏻‍♀️. Shame he's led you on thinking it was a real possibility.

leadbetter5 · 13/02/2020 10:19

Sounds like he's just a bit nervous of a big change, jumping into the unknown and having to find a new job. Just reassure him that you'll be there for him and you're doing it together! Could you visit another time to remember why it's so great?

leadbetter5 · 13/02/2020 10:21

In my experience Men are very often dreamers

Uhh can we stop with the 'oh yes men always let you down' narrative... it's so boring and just unfair to all of us. I know plenty of men AND women who would get cold feet when things suddenly start changing after years of just talk. I think it's normal!

Alsoco · 13/02/2020 10:28

This is like me when I say I’m going to stop eating crap. Seems like a good idea but I shit the bed when it comes to executing it.

Basically I think it’s normal. Before it was all talk and not scary. Now it’s real and scary! Maybe have another chat, weigh up pros and cons etc.

I am also very sorry for comparing my shit diet to your literal life changing move 🤦‍♀️

JinglingHellsBells · 13/02/2020 10:51

How far ahead have you looked @FlintstoneFred?

What age are you both and do you have children, or plan to?
These are important considerations- future schooling, being near family, etc.

From what you say, he would be self employed or unemployed and you would be the major bread winner.

How secure is your job that you hope to get?
What happens if you were made redundant or hated it?
What sort of work does he want to do and why can't he do it where you live now?

The other thing is, if you are hoping to move to an area where housing is a lot cheaper, it may be a 1-way move. Prices will continue to rise in expensive regions and you may never be able to move back.

How does this move fit with any parents you have- or even children?

Did you sit down and really talk through what you both wanted BEFORE you applied for this job? or was it a case of you applying and then telling him?

I think you both need to sit down and discuss all the pros and cons ,short and long term.

I moved to the other end of the country with a job many years ago and am now facing 5 hr drives to see elderly parents, in my 60s myself. Look ahead, not just a few years.

JinglingHellsBells · 13/02/2020 10:53

I’ve been emailing the manager about relocating

So it's the same company or organisation you work for now and this would be a transfer?

I have the impression you didn't talk to your DH before you did this- not a serious talk.