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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has changed his mind

75 replies

FlintstoneFred · 12/02/2020 22:08

DH and I are both from the same part of the UK and when we first met 10 years ago, he told me that he has always wanted to live at pretty much the opposite end of the country due to having visited there as a child. At the time, I wasn’t keen but over the years he’s talked about it so much and we’ve visited regularly, I too have come to want to move. A job in this area has now come up, I’ve been emailing the manager about relocating and I’m really excited about this opportunity, especially as it means DH will finally get to realise his long held dream.

Only he now tells me he’s got cold feet and isn’t sure it’s the right thing to do?! I’m so angry and disappointed that he’s built me up to this and now he changes his mind. Not sure what my AIBU is, more of a rant really but any advice is welcome!!

OP posts:
womaninblue · 13/02/2020 11:03

For the last few years my sister's partner has been trying to talk her into moving to Ireland, where his family came from a couple of generations ago. She wasn't initially keen but they've visited several times and had holidays and she's come round to agreeing it could be a good idea. She volunteered for redundancy at the end of last year and has been looking for jobs over there and it looks pretty hopeful: she's an accountant so she's got good transferrable skills.

When it came to doing a bit of painting and decorating and tidying up their house to put it on the market her husband stalled. Suddenly he, who would have had them living over there for the last three years, is saying perhaps it's not the right time, he thinks they should wait. She's really furious about it and is considering taking a job over there (she could afford to rent or even buy a small place) and trying life in Ireland on her own for a year or two before making a final decision.

When I asked if this meant their marriage was over she said no, but it felt really important to her to make a point to him that in a good marriage you don't dick your partner about; you don't go on and on and on about 'let's move to Ireland' and then when you've got them aboard pull the rug from under their feet.

I think she'll probably go. They can fly back and forth easily and cheaply and my guess is that if she likes it there and gets settled he'll follow on. There are a lot of men who go on and on about their dreams but then need to be pushed or pulled into making them reality.

If you'd like to take up the new job and move, OP, why not do it? I don't think you mentioned children. My sister's children are flown and she regards this as her time to spread her wings too. More difficult if you have children in school.

HollowTalk · 13/02/2020 11:10

I'm really shocked that you'd take on a job which meant he could do whatever he wanted. That sounds unfair and unsustainable.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 13/02/2020 11:14

Its just a case of cold feet. Just tell him he's going. The status quo is always the easier option than the leap into the unknown but if you hate it you can move again.

Tdaadfb100 · 13/02/2020 11:16

Ooh! Take a chance! You can always come back if you don’t like it. Better than thinking ‘... if only we’d gone’. Don’t miss an opportunity. You can always return (and nothing will have changed!)
What’s the worst that can happen. You come back and feel a bit of a knob ;-)

Thelnebriati · 13/02/2020 11:17

I think that ElbasAbsentPenis hit the nail on the head.

CheesyWeez · 13/02/2020 11:23

OP do you mean that the job is a promotion or more money? That would be great. If either partner gets the opportunity for a job they want to do, that's good news surely. I can't understand your shock Hollowtalk

This is an opportunity for OP to facilitate a change so her husband can live his dream. If he hears it like that then he might give it a gamble. You could agree to come back after a fixed time if it doesn't work out. If you own your home you could rent a house while you're there, if he feels bad about burning his bridges.

Present it as a not-to-be-missed opportunity and go, OP. DH can visit you until he finds a job he likes. ?

It sounds very exciting. Good luck with it!

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/02/2020 11:24

He may be upset that you’ve done all this behind his back? Emailing the manager about relocating, applying for the job out there. Of course his reaction to that is childish as he should have just said, oh dear I wish you would have said something before sticking you neck out.

Because if you back out now, wouldn’t that affect your future prospects with the company?

You definitely need to have a heart to heart and unpick why he has suddenly changed his mind or gotten cold feet. Or you can overlook that and just say let’s do a pro and con list for stay or go and make a joint decision.

madcatladyforever · 13/02/2020 11:36

I've moved to my dream location twice and there have been pros and cons to both places. The seaside was OK in theory but it was so full of nursing homes and the elderly it made me depressed in the end. Now I'm in Somerset and it's fine but extremely rural. Not for everyone.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/02/2020 11:37

Sounds like fear of change on his part. While something is hypothetical it's easy to be enthusiastic. Once it's within grasping distance, suddenly all the what ifs start coming up:
What if we end up living in a shithole because we don't know the areas?
What if the job doesn't work out and I have to take an even worse one than what I'm doing now?
What if I become the SAHP and FlinstoneFred loses respect for me?
What if we can't make new friends?
What if we are rural and the internet is shit? What if we're in a city and surrounded by noise and traffic?

All of these can be overcome with planning and reassurance.

Maybe he would feel "safer" if you rented out your existing place and rented somewhere in the new location, that way you could back out after a year.

If all else fails I strongly suggest you go on your own for a period. You could always work away during the week and come home at weekends (or he could come to you.)

SleepingStandingUp · 13/02/2020 11:38

I'm really shocked that you'd take on a job which meant he could do whatever he wanted. That sounds unfair and unsustainable.
Well it's only unfair if she's taking a job she doesn't want to sacrifice herself at the altar of penis. Actually it sounds like op wants this move for herself too. And it's only unsustainable if flu what he wants means sitting at home everyday and op would resent it, rather than give him some space to find a job he'd enjoy. Plenty of men do it in reverse

Kirkman · 13/02/2020 11:40

Why is it a shock someone would take a job that pays well enough, their partner would get more choices.

Doesnt sound like OP has to. She wants to take the job. I took a job last year. Wanted it for ages, huge wage increase. Love what I do.

If dp wanted to take this opportunity to retrain, why not? I am happy in my career and we can afford for him to do the same.

Kirkman · 13/02/2020 11:42

Pressed post too soon.

Is it because OP is female, you would be shocked she would take a job she wants that also benefits her husband?

Dontdisturbmenow · 13/02/2020 11:46

Did you talk to him about applying to the job or was it a 'guess what good news, got a job there?'. If you told him when considering applying what did he say?

It sounds like the issue is with you getting a great job and him being dependent on you when the idea originally was that he would have the great job. He probably doesn't like the idea of being financially dependent on you.

Lweji · 13/02/2020 11:46

Only last week he said he would move in a heartbeat if he had the chance...

I bet this means if he had the job lined up. Not you, leaving him to find his own new job.

I bet if the situation was reversed, he'd say you were unreasonable.

I'd leave it, then, but there would be no more talk about moving anywhere.

Cheeseandwin5 · 13/02/2020 12:01

Sorry , I can understand his wariness
You have a job to go to and it maybe a smaller adjustment.
He will be giving up everything, including his job.
What if you go and he cant find anything. You presume doing what he wants, means that he will be able to find employment easily and that may not be the case.

Thelnebriati · 13/02/2020 12:12

OP could go on ahead and get things ready for him while he job hunts from where he is now, but he doesn't want that. He sounds like he just wants to complain.

Its pretty shitty to subject your partner to 10 years of how unhappy you are, then take it back when you're given the chance to make your dream happen. If I stayed with him I'd never tolerate that kind of talk from him again.

Smellbow · 13/02/2020 12:26

I would do this - I'm always talking about this kind of lifestyle change with DH, but I am afraid of having to make the change. So afraid of the process although I want the outcome.

DH knows he would have to drive the process (poor sod).

DameFanny · 13/02/2020 12:27

Take the job, make the move. He's sulking because you took a dream and made it happen - he's still waiting for the universe to deliver his gift-wrapped. Either he'll get over himself and take the opportunity, or he'll reveal himself to be significantly less than the man you thought you married.

Do you have any kids?

Original poster
FlintstoneFred · 13/02/2020 12:32

I discussed it with him before emailing the manager of the new job. He agreed and said he was keen for me to do so. He’s talked about this so many times over the last 10 years, I had no reason to think he would back out now. I’m actually feeling a bit calmer today having slept on it. I know there are pros and cons of both and yes, change is scary but I know he will regret not giving this opportunity a shot.

OP posts:
Lweji · 13/02/2020 12:36

Has he even looked for a job there in the meantime?

Is there any possibility that he hasn't found anything he could apply to, or got rejected?

MaxNormal · 13/02/2020 12:38

He's a shitebag, totally bottled it.

soupforbrains · 13/02/2020 12:38

Has he actually said outright that he's not doing it and won't move?

Because to me all of this sounds like apprehension not a changed mind. It's natural to get very nervous and have cold feet when something big like this becomes much closer to being a reality than the distant pipe-dream it has been previously.

I don't believe it's anything to do with men/women or power/control. He's just nervous about making such a big change and scared that the dream he's manufactured in his head might not be matched by the reality, now that it is in fact possible for it to become a reality.

You just need to talk to him, with both of you being open and honest and not aggressive. Make sure that you acknowledge his worries and nerves and explain how they can be countered. Propose that you move and try it for a year and explain that even once you have moved there is nothing stopping you both from moving again if it isn't how you've imagined. Explain to him that although this started as his dream, that it is your dream now and that you will always regret not taking this opportunity to make it a reality if you don't go.

No need to hype this into manipulation or anything more than it is. And the only way of resolving it is to talk to him, not us.

You're entitled to feel frustrated, but you seem to have given up on this extremely quickly.

Lweji · 13/02/2020 12:40

I don't think I'd move alone, because this was his dream. It's different if it was the OP driving the want to move.

eddielizzard · 13/02/2020 12:41

As they say 'careful what you wish for'... I would seriously consider going anyway, start looking for houses and see if he changes his mind. Again.

JinglingHellsBells · 13/02/2020 13:05

Are you both quite young? Do you have children?

Relocating can be a huge step if you have kids or plan to- you need to think about schools, transport and even good medical care (hospitals, drs etc.)

Be interested to know if you are moving from urban to rural or other way round.

If this is a typical 'holiday destination' - you said he went there as a kid with his parents- have you really thought what it's like if you live urban now?

It might not be as great as you think once you live there.

What about the points I made re moving back?

If your new home didn't keep pace- price-wise- with your old area, you're stuck there for good.