Husband has changed his mind

[FlintstoneFred]

DH and I are both from the same part of the UK and when we first met 10 years ago, he told me that he has always wanted to live at pretty much the opposite end of the country due to having visited there as a child. At the time, I wasn’t keen but over the years he’s talked about it so much and we’ve visited regularly, I too have come to want to move. A job in this area has now come up, I’ve been emailing the manager about relocating and I’m really excited about this opportunity, especially as it means DH will finally get to realise his long held dream.

Only he now tells me he’s got cold feet and isn’t sure it’s the right thing to do?! I’m so angry and disappointed that he’s built me up to this and now he changes his mind. Not sure what my AIBU is, more of a rant really but any advice is welcome!!

I'm guessing hrere that what is on offer for him is some sort of 'Good Life' where he can grow mushrooms or do crafts or set up a rural business while you earn the dosh.

You say it will be great opportunity and you don't think he / you will regret it.

Honestly- you don't know that!

You do sound quite controlling but also a bit emotionally naive. He's bound to have cold feet as you are asking him to be unemployed then chase his own dream of doing something. Maybe he doesn't want that as much as you thought.

You are asking him to give up everything --except you- and you can't seem to get how that can be scary and also not ideal

If he doesnt want it why did he spend 10 years talking OP into it?

Oh come on- there is a a difference between a dream and the harsh reality of something!

Have you no emotional intelligence?

Is he a “grass is always greener on the other side” person? I agree with the pp who mentioned the ‘revolutionary road‘ scenario.
Does he just like having a moan/being contrary?

The thing is, I'm like this. It's easy to moan about something for ages, then when push comes to shove, completely bottle it.

I moaned about an office job for 10 months and that it was corporate bollox and I wanted to go to fashion college.....then when I actually quit the job and got an offer for college, I realised I couldn't live out a YOLO dream, give up my salary and future security that came with my current career and spend thousands on a course that might lead to me working in Starbucks. I was on the phone applying for office jobs a week later!

In my experience Men are very often dreamers who only actually deal with anything when it’s smacking them in the mouth. It follows for so many things and they only seem to properly process at crunch time.

Yeah, DH is like this... he talks about a lot of things but never does them (starting his own business, emigrating), which is probably just as well.

There is a massive difference between liking the idea of moving somewhere and actually doing it. It is also easy to dream 'someday' but in reality 'now' can feel very scary. I totally get him, I can totally Payne myself into the idea how living in London would be amazing but I get a bit of a panic when I send a job application.

Could obviously be that he is a jerk but also it might be scary since she and envisioned someday.

It's not just men - many people love having a dream, the problem is when their DP thinks it's something that they actually want, rather than want to have as a dream.

OP - it's scary in a way, because it could be this has been his fantasy lifestyle which would be 'better' for so long, there's a panic if he actually does it, a) what if it's not better after all and you have relocated for his dream, and b) what will be his fantasy to escape into when life has it's usual hard bits in his new 'dream' location?

I would be clear that you want this too, you won't blame him if it doesn't work out/you aren't happy /it's hard to make a new life. (However, be careful he's not making it so if it doesn't work out well, it becomes your fault you went, not his)

Are there ways to trial it? Can you agree to rent out your house in current location and rent in the new one, so that you could move back? How likely is it he could get another job/his own job back if it doesn't work out and you want to move back?

Where is it OP ? Somewhere v remote, eg the Highlands ? Somewhere different but accessible?
Could you rent out your home, and rent there, so that moving back would be fairly straightforward if it didn’t work out ?

Of course there’s a difference between having a dream and actually doing it. But if your wife presents an opportunity to you to help you realise it, after talking about it for 10 years, you agree and then bottle it, I think that’s a bit unfair?

Renting for a while would absolutely be a possibility. Yes, he has form for this. Perhaps I should have learned by now!

If he has form, then sorry, you need to stop pandering to his dreams.

I would say to him, "OK, take the weekend. If you want to talk about it, I'm happy to talk, but unless you've said a definate 'yes' on Sunday night, I'm turning down the job. If I do that, you never get to mention moving and jacking in your job again. You must make it clear when you are dreaming of another life or something, you don't really want whatever it is, as this is unfair on me. Be clear if you want to talk about it this weekend, I'm not prepared to take on the role of selling your dream back to you."

This happened to me 20 years ago. Dh had always had a dream of moving to France and we spent the best part of a year looking at different locations and houses, weighing up all the different things on his tick list. He was passionate about the idea of the kids growing up multilingual and being able to afford a better lifestyle than we can here. These were all genuine aspects of the plan, not pie in the sky stuff.

I was really up for it, which with retrospect he probably didn't expect. I did all the legwork, found a place that ticked all the boxes, which he perhaps also didn't expect. We visited quite a few times and really liked the place. I organised work, school places, somewhere to live, bank accounts, all the admin. Much harder then, in the very early days of the internet.

You know how the story ended, of course. He got cold feet. I came pretty close to not forgiving him at the time, and then all over again when the Brexit vote happened. He acknowledges now that we should have done it but it's not affordable anymore and the kids are nearly grown up.

I don't know what you should do. I wasn't in a position to go ahead without him, with small children in tow, but if the same thing happened now I would 100% go it alone (and I bet he would follow). I guess it depends how you feel about your existing job and location as much as about the new one. And him of course!

FlintstoneFred, you sound just like my sister who I'm pretty sure, when the right job for her comes up, will up sticks and move and leave him behind if he doesn't want to go. She says that she feels he's conned her and she's really angry that he'd encourage her to go for redundancy and then pull out. I support her and I support you. Not saying it'll be easy for either of you, but if it feels right for you do it. I bet both husbands come running once you've done the difficult bit of finding a place to live and started to make friends.

Yes, he has form for this

Well then this time it is his turn to "pander" to you.

You haven't given us very much to go on here @FlintstoneFred

You make it come across as if your DH is being unreasonable.

However, when I and others have asked for some facts- it are you moving more rural, what happens if your job folds for any reason, if you have DCs or plan to- you ignore those points.

Sure, you don't have to tell us more than you want to.

But- and I could be wrong- the fact you won't say anything about location or longer term plans for you as a couple - suggests that if we did know more, we might see your DH's point.

If he has genuine reasons for holding back, can't you tell us what in order to make a proper judgement as to whether he is being unreasonable- or maybe you are? :)

Lots of ideas sound great when they are ideas but when the cold reality of them happening hits, they can appear far less appealing.

Everyone can dream and plan, but it's often accompanied with rose coloured glasses.

I think it's quite reasonable for someone to have 2nd thoughts, especially if they are the ones leaving a job and have none to go to.

How easy is it going to be OP for your DH to make a start on his 'dream plans'? Has he been realistic or simply dreaming?

Ok jinglinghellsbells we have 2 children and schooling is good in the area we would move to. This is something we have looked into prior to this job coming up. Neither of us have family here, they have either passed or emigrated overseas so no ties to a particular area. My job will not fold, any more info on that would be outing. We already live rurally but would be moving even more rurally.

Anything else?

He has a business plan ready to go. We can afford this, we have discussed the fine details, he’s just changed his mind.

Of course he is entitled to do so but I am also entitled to feel annoyed at having built myself up to this, only to have the rug pulled from under my feet having made steps to make it happen.

@FlintstoneFred the way you say 'Okay' and 'anything else' makes me feel you are a bit on the unreasonable side of this yourself :)

These are perfectly normal questions to ask you and for you to answer.

what's missing here are your H's reasons.

They too may be perfectly valid.

The question now though, is what do you do next?

jinglinghellsbells I’m not sure if you’ve missed the part where I explained that this is his idea? I’m not asking him to give up anything, In fact he has spent the last 10 years trying to get me to go with him! There have always been reasons why it’s not a good time but these reasons don’t exist any more. His reason for changing his mind are he actually likes his job after all and doesn’t want to give it up. Fine- but surely you can see how confusing this feels after hearing the opposite for the last 10 years? I assume you have some emotional intelligence?!

Has he actually done anything yo work towards moving or only talked about it?

I didn't miss it at all @FlintstoneFred.

And I have posted the same thing several times. Namely, that what people say they want is often not the same as what they really want when faced with the possibility of having it.

I understand how you feel disappointed and angry. I would too.

Maybe it was a case of the grass is greener and when your DH has really thought about it- albeit very late in the day- he's got cold feet.
It doesn't matter it was his idea. In fact that' s the whole point; he's had to work through his emotions and face reality to decide it's not for him.

What will you do? Can you persuade him? Is it just cold feet and he needs some positive encouragement from you? Are your children supportive of a move?

I would be so furious, he's treated you like some bit part actor in his life, had you reading from his script and agreeing with him about moving, yet now he's saying that none of it was real. Would you consider moving there without him? I'm sure he'd follow. Some people are scared of change, but not self aware enough to know that.

There was another post on here a couple of years back where a couple had gone through an expensive visa process, quit their jobs and sold their house so they could move to Australia. They had jobs lined up, schools for the kids etc, and in the airport hotel the night before they flew the husband said he didn't want to go and refused to budge. I wonder what happened with them.

OP - you are right to be annoyed. He's messed you about.

He should have been clear sooner about it being just a dream and not something he fancied doing.

Do not fall into the trap of making it your decision now, that you are making him go with you on your dream, rather than other way round. He's talked about this for a decade. Give him the weekend to make his mind up and then be clear, he doesn't get to have a new dream place he'd like to move too/new dream way to live... He had one for 10 years, if he's decided he likes his life as it is, then that's it, he doesn't get to whinge and dream after a new alternative.

Totally get you OP. Sorry you have been subjected to people questioning you and assuming you are some sort of control freak.