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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - what is a day?!!!!

90 replies

Standinguptononsense · 11/02/2020 22:07

So some of you may remember my delightful ex DH...the dad who stopped paying for his school lunches....

Well hes at it again albeit something different

We have a child arrangement order in place. Its sets out term time days/hours and school holidays (stated as half term/Easter/summer/Christmas) it obviously doesnt state days as these will change year on year. It doesnt state what happens on bank holidays and teacher training days. Previously we have just used the term time coverage for this.

He is now saying that a day starts at 3pm snf runs to 3pm the following day!!! His logic is that the court order has handover times in line with school.

So for example the bank holiday at the beginning of may should work that he hands the boys over to me at 3pm on the friday as it's my weekend. He is saying the bank holiday for that Friday starts at 3pm ans runs to 3pm on the Saturday (of my weekend)!!!

He says this makes perfect sense...so my AIBU is that does a day start at 3pm!!!!!

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 12/02/2020 07:25

If the bank holiday was the Monday would he then not take them to school on the Tuesday using the same 'logic'????

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 12/02/2020 07:26

I've said that. He has the mondays going from 9 to 9.....

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 12/02/2020 07:37

Is he doing this because he loves and wants to spend more time with his children?
After all he is getting 2 extra days with them - the Friday when they would normally be at school and most of your Saturday.

Is it money (less CM if they are with him) driven.

Or does he just want to piss you off.

Think about the above, not just an initial knee jerk reaction.
If it's because he wants more time with them is this something the two of you could address?

I'm guessing if it's got to the court stage and beyond that it's not very civil between the two of you?

Is this something that a specific issue order would cover? (That's me wondering rather than having any actual knowledge of the legal side).

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 12/02/2020 07:38

We have a cms in place which this extra time will have no impact on. Hes doing it to piss me off.

OP posts:
CastleCrasher · 12/02/2020 07:41

He has the mondays going from 9 to 9..... Hmm

What happens doing school holidays? If it's a non school day, then surely you just apply the same "rules" as in other non school days. The 3pm is only relevant because that's the school pick up time. If they finished early for some reason, would he expect one parent to pick them up for say an hour, and then the other to collect them at 3? (I suspect the answer is yes, if it suited him!)

RedHelenB · 12/02/2020 07:44

Dont let it piss you off. This years a one off.

couchlover · 12/02/2020 07:45

Does the court order give him bank holidays? I'm not clear on why he thinks he should have them on the Friday otherwise. If the court order does stipulate that he has them the first bank holiday in May then I think he has a point. If it doesn't then it's your weekend so you have them from 3pm

I don't think it matters when the change over time is so long as its consistent.

Personally if you know he is only doing this to wind you up I would play along and pretend you had wanted to make plans that night but couldn't as you thought it was your night with the dcs and how wonderful you can now book that hotel with your friend etc. He might change his mind then if he thinks its what you actually want.

CastleCrasher · 12/02/2020 07:45

If he's just doing it to ours you off, I'd play him at his own game. Tell him that's wonderful as it'll give you time to do something (preferably something fun he's not keen on) and the boys will enjoy the extra time with him, especially if he can help X with his schoolwork (or similar). Maybe he'll realise there's no point in paying games as you don't rise to it. You can't argue with stupid unfortunately

10FrozenFingers · 12/02/2020 07:50

Suggest he takes it back to court to see what they say.

ninja · 12/02/2020 07:52

We swap at 3pm too - it's your weekend and your weekend STARTS at 3pm on Friday

Don't do anything special for Bank Holidays - whoever has them has them

My advice - try and draw up a spreadsheet a year in advance (we do it around Easter for the next academic year) and at that point work out all the niggles of the different situations then you can plan

My ex has also done all of this stuff - tried to take my time with the kids but equally dumped them on me often on his time. I'm sorry you have to go through this

izzywizzygood · 12/02/2020 07:53

What attracted you to him in the first place, may I ask?

Chasingsquirrels · 12/02/2020 07:53

And why are you pissed off about it, or why does he think you will be?

Have you got plans for the children that weekend that couldn't happen another weekend (given it wouldn't have been a long weekend for you with them anyway as he'd have them till 3pm on the Friday).

Are they problematic after they be been with him, and you want to limit his access as a result.

Do you feel that you are always the one who has to 'give in' to his demands to make things easier for the children.

LemonTT · 12/02/2020 07:59

Don’t rise to it. It’s not worth the mental exhaustion for one day. You can get a lot done by 3 pm on a Friday.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 12/02/2020 08:01

Hes already taken me back to court as he wanted a spreadsheet showing who had their hair cut, feet measured, drs and dentist appointments - they made him withdraw his application as it was nonsense.

I've no idea what attracted me to be honest it was a long time ago and he became abusive once ds2 was born.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 12/02/2020 08:07

I'm pissed off because hes forcibly trying to get an extra day that makes no sense nor to I agree too. Thata my weekend to have the boys.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 12/02/2020 08:13

So you need to go back to court and get an order on these specifics.

Or take action (I don't know what this would be - others will) when he doesn't return them on the Friday as specified in the court order.

TheLadyAnneNeville · 12/02/2020 08:18

What a prick. Why would he do that to his children?

StatisticallyChallenged · 12/02/2020 08:27

It would presumably screw you work wise if you didn't have the bank holiday off, as he won't pick up til 3 so you'd either have to provide care or childcare. But his inconsistency is infuriating- if a bank holiday Monday starts at 9 then so does a Friday.

Mangoxmangox · 12/02/2020 08:35

I would say the day starts when the kids are ready and dressed and fed. So it would make sense to me that whoevers turn it was would collect them mid morning. Is there a reason he's so picky with times?

I can't imagine being so fussy. Even if we had split and hated eachother I'd happily have my kids earlier or abit after the hour. It's all abit set in stone. I have seen it with my sister and her ex though. No flexibility to spite the other parent.

Thinkingabout1t · 12/02/2020 09:44

I hope you can get a letter from the court stating that a day starts at midnight. XH may haveautistic tendencies, but he still is trying it on.

Thinkingabout1t · 12/02/2020 09:46

Ooop! No, i just thought - you don’t want him turning up at midnight! I mean, I hope you can get something official, in writing, to stop him messi g you around.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/02/2020 09:58

Colossal prick!

I would try to not engage and suggests he takes his issue back to court. If he doesn't return your dc for your weekend then I'd ask a solicitor to send a letter.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 12/02/2020 11:53

Apparently he finds it regrettable I have stopped communicating with him on this. Or from my point of view I've stepped away from this salad bowl of confusion.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 12/02/2020 13:07

His latest....

From the responses I have received today I understand you do not wish to identify the "conflicted" area(s).
I believe the only dates/times that are disagreeable are;
BANK HOLIDAY Fri 8th May 1500hrs -> Sat 9th 1500hrs
BANK HOLIDAY Mon 31st Aug 0900hrs -> Tues 1st Sept 0900hrs
TED HOLIDAY Tues 1st Sept 0900hrs -> Wed 2nd Sept 0900hrs
TED HOLIDAY Wed 2nd Sept 0900hrs ->Thurs 3rd Sept 0900hrs

The Wednesday isnt even a TED day....

OP posts:
sebanna · 12/02/2020 13:31

Does the court order, refer to the length of a day, as 24 hour block of time, needing an over night stay or just means the children's waking hours?

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