The mother of a child who's father has remarried is still their mother!

[Clymene]

I've just been listening to You and Yours on Radio 4 about step families and TWO of the step mothers are referring to the mothers of their step-children as their 'biological mothers'.

NO. They are their mothers, full stop. They don't require the pre-fix biological.

When did this become a thing?

I'm a stepmum and my DSC's mother is called their 'mum'.
I wonder if sometimes people use the term bio mum on here for absolute clarity?
I don't use it, she is their mum, end of!

Honestly not that big of a deal.
It’s true that they are the biological mother. Calm down.

For goodness sake, it was just an observation. Not a comment on whether it was correct or not.

It used to be ‘birth mother’, not sure when it changed.

Good point!

Their mother is the person who is there for them - blood related or step, that doesn't matter.

Not getting the offence.
Is it insulting to mention someone has a biological relationship with someone else?

How weird. I am a stepmum. I would not dream of calling the girls' mum anything weird like bio mum.

Perhaps 'bio' has replaced 'birth' to make linguistic space for egg donors...

Baby born to a surrogate from donor eggs brought up by "intended" adoptive parents who commissioned the pregnancy - there's a biological mother (egg donor), a birth mother (the woman who carried the embryo as it developed into a foetus and gave birth to a baby), there's the woman who received and adopted the newborn with her husband (the commissioning or adoptive parents) ...

But then those parents split, dad remarries - his wife is step mother, egg donor is biological mother, surrogate is birth mother... Commissioning/ Adoptive mother is just mother.

Or is she?

What about those who call both mother and step mother “mum”?
There are people who do that
So qualifier would be needed?

And that qualifier would be the word "step"

Many people have their “mum” and then their “biological mum”. I know countless people who call their stepparents mum and dad and refer to their birth parents or biological parents. Some step parents are their proper mum!

But the stepmother doesn't need to use the term, whatever the children say (and there was no suggestion this was the children's chosen terminology - as I said earlier, one of them made it clear the children use her first name).

Whatever the relationship, she is their step mother and their mother is their mother. She doesn't need a prefix.

As for people who pay another woman to go through pregnancy for them, as far as I can tell, they like to erase her altogether by calling her the surrogate.

In any event, we aren't talking about them. We are solely taking about women who are living with men who have children from a previous relationship.

And no, it's not an insult but it's unnecessary and it's an insidious creep of language.

Just as the insistence now that the word trans is separated from women so that it becomes a qualifier like white, black, disabled, tall rather than transwomen.

Language matters. Words matter. The word mother means a woman who has given birth to a child and her relationship to that child. Once you start changing that meaning or start adding qualifiers and prefixes, if weakens that bond.

Did you see the Rio and Kate documentary last night? I didn’t like at all how Kate referred to them as “my children”. How hurtful to their actual mother’s family.

And I bet if she had said “Rio’s kids”, she would have been called cold and distant. She might just be saying “her kids” for the cameras so that she doesn’t get accused of the above. Someone in her position really can’t win no matter what they say.

@SoupDragon so, If call both my mothers “mum”, Expected to give one a qualifier and the other one not? Even if the one who supposedly “deserves” a qualifier was actually a mother to me longer than the other? or more of a mother to me?

Some stepmothers are actually just as much of a mother as a birth/biological mother.

I think it would be good to have a new legal term for a new spouse of a divorced parent. The term 'step' was originally intended for use by the parent's replacement spouse when the child's parent had died (when they 'stepped' up to take the place of a deceased parent).

In the case of a divorced parent's new spouse they are not a replacement (for want of a better word) mother or father. They are an addition to the family and a child may have two. They may or may not be stepping into the role of a parent.

If anyone's term needs to be changed then it's theirs. Their is no need to change their mother's.

I totally agree.

@WhereShallWeMoveTo 'step' parents are also their own people too, often first and foremost. I married a guy with two kids, they have a mum and it's not me. I'm extremely happy with that and actually feel uncomfortable being called a step mum (perhaps because it's new).
But I am me and I actually have a life of my own. Clearly I care deeply for my DSC and do an awful lot for them, but it's not my job to parent them, they have two parents to do that.

A new word for step mother might not be a bad thing, to avoid the fairytale negative connotations if nothing else.

This is my Dad's/Mother's wife/husband is sufficient. My mother remarried when I was an adult, it seemed pointless to refer to her new husband as my step dad so he was always introduced as Jane's husband Phil or my Mum's husband Phil.

@bettybattenburg I prefer being called by my own name. Obviously as that's what I've been called since birth!

I think the objection is borne from insecurity. I'll never be a stepmother but my son has one and he also has a stepfather. Both have been casually mistaken for his mother/father and it hasn't troubled any of us. I'm happy my lad is surrounded by adults in parental/friendship roles who love and care for him. We all know our respective roles and boundaries

I prefer being called by my own name. Obviously as that's what I've been called since birth!

If was married to somebody with children of their own then that's what I'd prefer too.

@cajenchick I agree with you

hoping I disagree completely. My 2 DC have 2 fantastic parents (obviously I'm in there!) who co-parent very, very well. However, my DP who is dad to my 3rd DC is also an excellent parent to my 2 older boys. He's an additional parent who offers a different perspective and different things to the boys. They call him by his first name and refer to him as step-dad.

The boys plus DP and ex- DH are all going away together at Easter mountain biking. They all get on brilliantly and will have a fabulous time. I, meanwhile, will chill!

I know I'm lucky, but, to me, it's the ideal way of parenting: we run things past each other all the time and respect that parenting is teamwork.

@Snoopdogsbitch what do you disagree with? Please clarify