The mother of a child who's father has remarried is still their mother!

[Clymene]

I've just been listening to You and Yours on Radio 4 about step families and TWO of the step mothers are referring to the mothers of their step-children as their 'biological mothers'.

NO. They are their mothers, full stop. They don't require the pre-fix biological.

When did this become a thing?

OP I hate this! YANBU!

Sorry that was in terms of adoption.

Where the mother is still very much in the child’s life AS their mother, there shouldn’t be any need for a prefix. Mother and stepmum.

I agree and I am a stepmother (and a mother). Biological or birth mother is only when the person has been adopted, not otherwise.

The ONLY time 'biological' parent is a qualifier that is needed is when the child isn't being parented at all or has any contact with their birth parent - when there genuinely is another 'mum' or 'dad' who properly fulfils that role and who isn't a step-parent (ie a person married to one of the birth parents and who therefore is in a parental type role but who isn't an actual parent).

Not that it matters, but that's not true. Same-sex couples have been referring to each other as 'biological' and 'non-biological' parent for ages. It's not always an insulting term. I can see how it could have those connotations. But I wonder if these women maybe just used it innocently without thinking of them?

I think it would be good to have a new legal term for a new spouse of a divorced parent. The term 'step' was originally intended for use by the parent's replacement spouse when the child's parent had died (when they 'stepped' up to take the place of a deceased parent).

In the case of a divorced parent's new spouse they are not a replacement (for want of a better word) mother or father. They are an addition to the family and a child may have two. They may or may not be stepping into the role of a parent.

If anyone's term needs to be changed then it's theirs. Their is no need to change their mother's.

Times haven’t changed, I’m 48, have had a stepmother since I was 9. I have never in my life felt the need to add the prefix “biological” to the word mother. No one has ever confused my stepmother for my mother in conversation because it’s crystal clear which one I’m talking about. My mother is adopted, she had* a mother and a biological mother, I have a mother and a stepmother.

*had because my grandmother died a few years ago.

Maybe in the context of the report it was said to clearly differentiate between the two women?

Ah yes I could see how it could apply to same-sex couples, yes... although the only couple in that position that I know of are very hot on not differentiating in that way - but it would of course be the appropriate term.

But I wonder if these women maybe just used it innocently

No, it isn't a term one would use 'innocently'. It's a very deliberate choice of a superfluous word to try and specify a relationship, it's quite a jarring term. 'Mother' is the word they'd automatically use to describe anyone else's... um, mother, without even thinking.

Which is why people give it such short shrift. It's used by stepmothers who dislike being reminded that their partner's children aren't theirs and don't like using the word mother and all it implies.

I wouldn’t like that. I’m my child’s mother. If you marry her dad, you become her step-mother. I stay as I was.

Ok, I haven't come across people using it in a pointed way, but I believe you if you say they do.

It just seems to me it's not impossible you'd want to be super-careful about distinguishing if you're on radio (where it's not going to be visibly obvious). Especially if you're both a bio mum and a step mum, which lots of people are.

Surely Mother and Step-Mother make it clear enough.

To differentiate with step mother ?

This. I think there are enough things in life to get offended about, this is just semantics.

A new word for step mother might not be a bad thing, to avoid the fairytale negative connotations if nothing else.

A new word for mother is totally unnecessary obviously, because it is a clearly understood word without negative connotations.

Biological or birth as prefixes don't add clarity, they reduce clarity because birth mother and biological mother are terms associated with other situations where there is doubt as to who the child's blood relationship is with.

Most people will assume a "birth" or "biological" mother has given up their right to parent their child or had it removed by the court unless it's clearly in the context of a lesbian relationship where a child calls both parents something like mum.

What happens when a couple adopt a baby together and bring it up together and divorce ten years later, share custody 50/50 and the parents both remarry partners eho take on a parenting role during their 50% ? The child has a birth mother, a mother and a stepmother... Neither adoptive parents are biologically related to the child but they're still the mum and dad...

Biological and birth don't add anything as prefixes in a step family set-up. They very well could be used deliberately in some cases to play down the involvement of or cast aspersions on the mother or father. It's hard to see why else they'd be used here.

I refer to my mum as my biological mum. That's because I'm very close to my stepmum and also call her mum. It saves confusion when I'm talking to anyone who isn't them.

It's just to differentiate, and is a commonly used term when people are speaking with relation to stepfamilies.

A lot of step'mothers' don't consider themselves to be mothers either, but that's the terminology commonly used.

It's not an insult.

Yeah agree, I would only use biological mother in the case of adoption really

Yes it implies they gave the child up!

Nobody has to use stepmother; lots of people say "my dad's wife" or "my husband's daughter" especially when the "child" in question is actually an adult and all parties were adults when they met.

"Biological" or "birth" mother certainly has connotations of no longer being part of the child's life for most people. The lesbian relationship context makes it clear that it's simply a reference to biology, but in other contexts it implies adoption or relinquished parental responsibility and where this isn't the case it's very misleading.

It wasn't a report. It was a phone in where women were taking about their experiences of blended families. One of them said "I don't consider myself to be their mother" immediately after using the term biological mother.

Was it clear in the interview if the mothers still had contact with the children? If I heard biological parent from a step parent it would seem to imply they were no longer involved in the child's life which is sometimes the case with female parent albeit less often than with a male parent.

I think the context was to distinguish between the two female people in their lives.

Didn’t think it was a big deal personally

I refer to my mum as my biological mother because I was raised from about 3yo by my dad and my step mum. I never lived with her ever again and there were many years when I didn't see her. I don't call her that to her face, of course! I prefer people knowing that my step mum is the one that put the effort in. I don't think it should be used if the mum is the primary carer or has joint custody - that would be insulting.

That's awful although I think probably represents the confusing roles for DMs and SMs. DH as a teenage DS and whilst I am happy for him to refer to me as his SM (he chooses to) I actually don't feel overly comfortable with the term as it insinuates a parental role that I dont have. I have no rights as a step parent and am not involved in big choices about his life. Nor should I be. Personally I think mother and dad's wife is fine. Lots of people have a motherly role in a child's life but dont need to use a label that takes away from their mother. I have a toddler to and would hate someone to refer to me as her bio mum.

I think the context was to distinguish between the two female people in their lives.

You mean like how mother and step-mother already distinguishes them?