The mother of a child who's father has remarried is still their mother!

[Clymene]

I've just been listening to You and Yours on Radio 4 about step families and TWO of the step mothers are referring to the mothers of their step-children as their 'biological mothers'.

NO. They are their mothers, full stop. They don't require the pre-fix biological.

When did this become a thing?

As as aside, I don't know how to refer to my ex FIL. I am divorced from his son, but am very close to him, and he's my sons' grandfather.

Sometimes I say "this is Arthur, the boys' grandad", but if the boys aren't with me that seems odd. I am doing some caring for him at the moment and it seems appropriate that professionals and carers know that I am family.

"Ex fil" sounds silly. FIL is OK, but my marriage ended badly and I actually don't want that association with my ex.

My children are adopted and their birth mother is still their mother.
If we need to distinguish we use "birth" or "biological". The DCs say their "other mother' or "other daddy" or use their names (though one DC's birth father is semi-unknown, we have a good idea, but it's hard to say "your birth daddy is called A" when we aren't completely sure, so "birth daddy" is easier).

Sometimes I say "this is Arthur, the boys' grandad"

I actually get myself in knots though I'm sure it's really clear to everyone else that:
"If you ring X number tomorrow you can speak to DS' dad about DS" and
"If you ring X number tomorrow you can speak to my husband about DS" are actually both referring to DH who is also DS' dad.
But technically DH could be one and someone else could be the other.

As someone with a step parent, I use "stepdad" and "dad", even though I'm much closer to my stepdad than my actual dad.

Bio-mum is unnecessary. Mum and stepmum is good enough to distinguish the relationship.

Yes, it was very clear from both interviewees that they only had the children living with them part of the week because the rest of the time the children were with their mother.

One of them said that the children call her by her first name. There was simply no need for the prefix.

And it's important - I would hate to be referred to as my children's biological mother. I am their mother, full stop. Incidentally and for the avoidance of doubt, I have no horse in this race. My children don't have a step parent.

My DH isn't the DC's bio Dad but they call him Dad even though they still contact with their Bio Dad. My DH spends more time with them and deserves the title of Dad not step Dad

Bio dad = absent parent.

Bio mum = ?

I agree with OP, like it or not 'biological' is a perjorative term tho' it shouldn't be.

who's = who is or who has

whose mother should be used instead. Not pedantic!

I am a stepmum and refer to my stepkids mother as their mum. Don't feel any need to differentiate. In fact it took me several years before I "earned" title stepmum before then I was with Dad's girlfriend or my first name.

Yes I realised I had made a typo in the title iem0128 but thank you for pointing it out :)

Did you see the Rio and Kate documentary last night? I didn’t like at all how Kate referred to them as “my children”. How hurtful to their actual mother’s family.

I don't know how to refer to my ex FIL.

I call my wonderful ex MIL my Mother Out Law’ and my stepdaughter calls me ‘Bonus Mum’, which has, much to the amusement of all of our kids, contracted into B-mum, pronounced ‘Bum’.

Other families’ mileage may vary!

I try to make sure my stepdaughter’s mother gets the credit for birthing her and doing the vast majority of raising her, and would never use ‘bio’ but I do struggle a bit when it’s strangers giving compliments on my ‘daughter’ because saying ‘oh, I’m not her real/actual mum’ or ‘I’m her step mum’ can come across like I don’t want to be associated with her (and ‘I’m her B-mum’ doesn’t work in the this situation AT ALL)!

I think you should just say thank you DuLANG in that situation. I would!

I heard the whole programme - the use of biological mum jarred a little for me, too, but I don't think the interviewee used it consistently, and I felt the overall tone of the interview wasn't like that, but actually pretty thoughtful about the mum's behaviour/position in it all. So I couldn't get too worked up.

The man who said that he and his new wife moved their blended family from Birmingham to Sheffield purely in order to have a new start and let things bed down, with the implication that they left two respective other parents then miles away from their kids - that did raise my eyebrow a bit!

R4 probably did it to be provocative. 'Biological' mum has a meaning specific to a mum who has given up parental rights, anything else is a corruption of language.

Yes, I wish the interviewer had asked that man about the children's other parents. They just seemed to have been erased altogether!

I think I generally do, Clymene, but I always feel guilty for not giving proper credit!

Anyway, ‘birth’ is better than ‘bio’ but neither sound like a mother who is both genetically related AND actively raising their child. Feels like language is evolving in a way that is minimising mothers, which is unsurprising considering all the ‘menstruators’ ‘cervix havers’ ‘gestating parent’ stuff that’s so fashionable at the moment.

i agree, its unnecessary, mum and step mum is and should be enough. However, i cant say it'd bother me if i split with dh and his new gf referred to be as "bio mum" because well i am one! I couldn't be arsed with getting into arguments about that sort of thing, unless it was an intentional dig to make out like i have no involvement, which i'm assuming on the radio show it wasn't.

I'm a step mum and wouldn't dream of referring to their mums as biological mothers, they are the kids mothers plain and simple like I am the mother to my own children.

The way I see it, the role of step mum is different to that of a mother you're a supporting character rather then one or the main players most of the time.

I'd be pissed off if someone referred to me as my children's biological mother because it implies that you helped create them but had nothing more to do with raising them.

Mother and stepmother. You don't need any other words.

I'm a stepmother and a mother. I would never refer to my SS mam as bio mother. I haven't adopted him.

I would find it hugely disrespectful to me if my dd SM referred to be as the "bio mum" so I wouldnt dream of being so disrespectful to my SS or his mam by doing it.

It does infer that the child has been given up. There is a clear difference in the two titles already the step part!

I am a step mum and a mum. I cannot even imagine referring to my step children's mum as their "biological mother". That's only appropriate in cases of adoption or similar surely? And even then I think it should be used with caution.

I’m offended it should be. Cis biological non-surrogated residential care giver.

It’s not an insult

When was the last time someone referred to you as your child’s ‘biological mother’? Do the school ring you and say ‘hello, is that X’s biological mum’?

I can cope with it in the context of same sex relationships. But there is no need to differentiate between me and my children’s step mum. My children live with me most of the time, I made no choice to be divorced from their father, I did not choose their step mum as someone I consider appropriate to be in their lives. She is happy to refer to me as ‘your fucking mother’ to my children so I guess it could be worse!!

Sotired