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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH is "too tired to move"

70 replies

bloodyDh · 11/02/2020 06:52

DH has form for leaving nights to me. To be fair I breastfed both boys and am still breastfeeding the littlest. At 5am I had DS1 asleep on me after a feed, when DS3 started crying in his room. I asked DH to go to him but he replied "I'm too tired to move" and proceeded to shout DS3's name to get him to come in to us. This woke the baby. So I've been up since 5am. He's gone back to sleep.

DH is often "too tired" because he "doesn't get enough sleep" (he gets more than me as I do all night wakings) And he often has a "tiredness headache" which apparently doesn't hurt like a regular headache and I think just means he feels tired so he needs to lie down. Apparently I need to do controlled crying with the baby so we can all get more sleep but he won't actually help me with settling the baby while we do it because he'll be "too tired for work".

For info, I work 4 days (30 hours) and he works full time.

AIBU to think he needs to man up and share wake ups or go to the doctors to discuss his energy levels?

OP posts:
lucymaudmonty · 11/02/2020 06:54

How old is the baby?

Rosehipbubbles · 11/02/2020 06:55

He needs to get his thyroid checked to rule that out as a reason.

HumphreyCobblers · 11/02/2020 06:56

YANBU

He needs to understand that he is not immune from having to feel tired. How do you bear living with someone that selfish? I really feel for you.

Thehop · 11/02/2020 07:00

YANBU at all. Your dh is a dick.

Shaminon · 11/02/2020 07:00

I feel for you.

He needs to rule out medical causes for his tiredness.

Gentle controlled crying methods do exist but of course they have to work for what you feel is best for your babies and their age and stage.

Its a really hard time. I have always found a big bed and Co sleeping doesn't last forever and helps everyone to sleep better.

Hope you're OK Flowers

BadCatDirtyCat · 11/02/2020 07:00

Go to the doctor, loads of things to be ruled out as causes (sadly even of there is s medical reason it can sometimes take a loooong time to diagnose though).

If he's unwilling to go to the docs it's an indication that he's just lazy imho.

Good luck.

Looneytune253 · 11/02/2020 07:02

Have u tried having a proper convo with him during the day? Sit him down and tell him he needs to step up and be an actual parent. It's not fair on you doing all the work

Dontdisturbmenow · 11/02/2020 07:03

It's not always about quantity of sleep but quality of sleep. Some people can sleep 5 hours in total, but 2 1/2 of it will be deep sleep and won't feel so bad in the morming. Others can sleep 8 hours but only get 20 minutes of deep sleep. The former will have much more energy than the latter.

Many factors impact on quality of sleep and your OH might indeed be a very poor sleep. As a poor sleeper myself, there is nothing worse than to be made to feel lazy. Sleep is not a contest, if one wakes up feeling like crap when the other wakes up feeling they can function, the latter most likely had a better night sleep than the former.

mynameiscalypso · 11/02/2020 07:13

I'm a poor sleeper too @Dontdisturbmenow but I still have to engage in family life, get up with the baby etc. I feel like I'm 'too tired to move' a lot of the time but that's not really an option is it?

OP, your DH needs to see a doctor to rule anything out but I'd guess he's just being a bit of an arse. My DH does it too sometimes - will take to his bed for hours with a headache because he's tired leaving me (who has often had only a couple of hours of disturbed sleep) to solo parent. We have had words and he's getting better about it but I share your frustration.

snappycamper · 11/02/2020 07:13

Your OH is a dickhead.

chuttypicks · 11/02/2020 07:38

Your DH is an a55hole. My DP does all night feeds for our baby and also works full time, starting before 7am, and never complains. Parenting should be a team effort whenever possible and your DH doesn't seem to be doing his part. Lazy ba5tard.

Original poster
bloodyDh · 11/02/2020 07:38

I had a calm conversation about going to the doctors but he said no Hmm so maybe the answer is he is lazy

OP posts:
sandybanana · 11/02/2020 07:40

Bloody hell.

He's lazy it appears.

Unless it's an undiagnosed condition causing extreme fatigue.

Best to get checked out and if it is lazy- itis, then you need to review your relationship big time.

rwalker · 11/02/2020 07:40

book him a doctors appt it will be week off so it can be cancelled .
just do a quick diary thing over 5 days competing how much sleep you have.
He could be genuine wife and oldest son need 9/10 hours sleep or horrendous bad tempered and arsey. Me and youngest 5/6 hours youngest never slept well as baby 5am start but bright as a button hardly slept in the day and rarely got to the overtired stage on little sleep.

katmandoo · 11/02/2020 07:41

Funny how women never seem to suffer from this affliction when they have babies. Well they do but they keep going because they have to.
Even when they are being breast feed there was still plenty he could do, my husband used to do the nappy changes in the night, it meant he was in the habit of looking after the baby with me.
Although if he has always been like this why have 3 children with him!

Shoxfordian · 11/02/2020 07:43

He's a lazy knob
Was he like this after every child? Does he even want children?

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2020 07:44

Oh come on!

Doctors appt? Really?

Does anyone really think there's anything wrong with him other than he's a lazy git?

I take it this isn't new behaviour?

Dontdisturbmenow · 11/02/2020 07:44

@mynameiscalypso I was a single mum working FT 1h commute away with two kids who were not sleeping through the night. I was indeed very tired.

Yet, this was nothing compared with what I experience now, children grown up so no need looking after, no commuting, no stress, but the menopause has come with a level of insomnia I never thought existed. I would have the poor sleep I experienced with my poor sleeping babies any day.

Maybe your oh is lazy, but surely you'd know if you've been together for some time, but maybe he does get even less quality sleep than you and struggles more.

Sleep deprivation is horrible and if you are both deprived resentment is bound to take over but as already said, it's not a competition.

crazychemist · 11/02/2020 07:45

There’s your answer @bloodyDh. He doesn’t want to go to the doctors, which presumably means his tiredness is not affecting other areas of his life or he’d be concerned. He just thinks that you’re the mum and it’s your job to do the night wakings.

This needs a very serious conversation to address it, in the daytime and when neither of you are doing something else. I don’t know how easy it is for you to get childcare, but is there any way you can go out for a coffee to have a half hour talk about this? You need to be completely clear on expectations.

I suspect the most likely way this will go is that he will suggest that you quit breastfeeding and do controlled crying, and you won’t be happy to do this. You have a different attitude - you have made a decision you believe to be in your DCs best interests. Your DH thinks his need for uninterrupted sleep is more important. Yo definitely need to talk about this, but I wouldn’t hold out much hope for change in your position.

CakeandCustard28 · 11/02/2020 07:45

If he’s always been like this? Why have 3 kids with him? Yes it’s laziness though, but you can’t really complain if you knew he was always like it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

mynameiscalypso · 11/02/2020 07:48

Trust me, I know all about insomnia (have PTSD which often manifests itself in insomnia and nightmares/flashbacks when I do get to sleep). It doesn't change the fact that you do just have to get on with life sometimes despite being exhausted and OP's DH is a lazy arse. As is mine (at times). And I'm pretty sure that neither my DH nor the OP's is going through the menopause!

Stompythedinosaur · 11/02/2020 07:51

I think I'd have killed him before now. I am angry just reading about it. What a colossal dickhead!

ZebrasAreHorsesInPyjamas · 11/02/2020 07:59

If that was my DH, he would get a choice. If he is genuinely tired all the time, then he should want to sort it for the benefit of the whole family and so goes to the doctors for tests. If he doesn't want to go to the doctor's then he shuts up and does what needs doing without complaining because it clearly can't be that bad.

puds11 · 11/02/2020 08:02

He’s an arsehole. You work and do all the night feeding?? He can sure as shit get up! My DH works full time and gets up if DD when DD is ready to get. This is anytime from 6am. I’m not working and stay in bed because I have done the night feeds!

timeisnotaline · 11/02/2020 08:03

I suggest kicking him. Every 5 mins that you are awake overnight. All night. You can kindly not do this the one night that is before a day he works and you don’t. See if it makes his tiredness headache worse or better. Say you’re either a team or you’re not and if you’re not you hate his guts every second you’re awake at night knowing he will moan about being tired but it’s only enough to make him prioritise his sleep over yours and not enough to get to a doctor, meaning your tiredness isn’t important.

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