DH is "too tired to move"

[bloodyDh]

DH has form for leaving nights to me. To be fair I breastfed both boys and am still breastfeeding the littlest. At 5am I had DS1 asleep on me after a feed, when DS3 started crying in his room. I asked DH to go to him but he replied "I'm too tired to move" and proceeded to shout DS3's name to get him to come in to us. This woke the baby. So I've been up since 5am. He's gone back to sleep.

DH is often "too tired" because he "doesn't get enough sleep" (he gets more than me as I do all night wakings) And he often has a "tiredness headache" which apparently doesn't hurt like a regular headache and I think just means he feels tired so he needs to lie down. Apparently I need to do controlled crying with the baby so we can all get more sleep but he won't actually help me with settling the baby while we do it because he'll be "too tired for work".

For info, I work 4 days (30 hours) and he works full time.

AIBU to think he needs to man up and share wake ups or go to the doctors to discuss his energy levels?

OP- I'm concerned he has a condition called "lazy sod-itis" its an epidemic at the moment, and sweeping the country. It appears to affect mainly men and especially men whose wives carry the emotional burden of everything for the family and home.

I'm afraid there is no cure but a solid kick up the backside and a stern talk about the fair division of labour within the home. You must administer this cure immediately before it gets worse.

Have you asked him what he is willing to do to change the imbalanced situation and address his over-tiredness, if he's not willing to go to the doctor? If you frame it in that way, he's got an opportunity to step up or not step up. It might at least make things clearer, in terms of what you're dealing with.

It looks quite clear already, though. I'm sorry.

You work 30 hours across four days plus do this every night

I couldn’t stand this. It’s so disrespectful to you in terms of supposedly functioning as a team but it’s also unfair on the children.

What would he do or how would he cope if you are ill or have a night out ?

Nope have you told him that

He doesn’t want to go to the doctors, which presumably means his tiredness is not affecting other areas of his life or he’d be concerned. He just thinks that you’re the mum and it’s your job to do the night wakings

Agree with this - otherwise he'd go to make sure there wasn't a medical reason (thyroid, sleep apnoea, anaemia etc)

He's just a lazy arse.

I used to have one of theose.... got shut of him and now I get more sleep than iv ever had. He has the kids 12 nights a month.... after me never having 1 lie in in 10 years, And I sleep sleep sleep... It's amazing.
Highly recommend it to anyone else who is married to a arsehole that thinks you should be their mother too.

He's a cock.

Not sure what the solution is.

Does his tiredness affect him when he's doing something fun?

So you work almost a full time job, cover all the night wakings and I bet all of the wife work too.

Your DH is a lazy mother fucker. I would calmly explain that you do not find this attractive and he has no excuse at all.

Agree he's a lazy sod who needs a kick up the backside. Every night.

There is a book called 'how not to hate your husband after kids' and there is bit when a therapist says how he used to say to his wife he was tired and had to go to work she would say 'so you do your work tired!'

Tiredness is often a fact of having small children. But some people seem actually quite terrified of it. Has he ever actually just powered thru being tired like most people do? Does he realise he wont expire? And that you are equally (if not more) tired? Why does he think you can work like that but he can't?

I'd seriously ask him these questions and then make my decisions according to his responses. If his solution is you just carry on the way you are then i'd disabuse him of this pretty damn quick.

DH and I have been tired for 5 years with multiple wake ups every night (for 2 years I never slept longer than 90 mins). It's awful and I have sympathy for extreme tiredness - but the odd night waking or 5am if you've at least had 4-5 hours previously is bullshit. You can work on that. Even if you do feel crap, you just try to have lots of hot drinks, a berocca in the afternoon and an early night if possible.

What is his job that's so important? If air traffic controller I may have more sympathy. If not then not so much.

You’re working 4 days a week and do all the night wakings? Just wow. Well done you. I remember those night wakings and the way it leaves you feeling like a zombie. How you work as well is impressive.
I’d have let rip at him for waking the baby shouting at your child because he was too tired to get up.
I mean, we all know that feeling of being too tired. So tired you want to cry. But we have to do it. And given the fact he isn’t doing night wakings at all. How tired can he be? I hate the notion of competing for who is the most tired, but the fact he refuses to go to the doctors, doesn’t do any of the night wakings and then suggests you try controlled crying.
I mean, I’ve no idea how you have put up with this.

On a slight tangent, on the controlled crying, we did sleep training by doing ‘gradual retreat’. You can google the exact method but basically you let them scream to sleep, but with you sitting by them, so you know they aren’t frightened, just annoyed. Then after a few nights you move six inches away. We saw an improvement on night one from a baby that would wake hourly. He was eight months old though. Not sure I would do it any younger.
Might help you get more sleep in a more gentle way than CC.

Offer sex. If he takes it up, then he's not too tired.

Or tell him that if you're supposed to do all the night waking, then you're better off as a single parent with him having weekends by himself with the children.

My Husband refused to help with any kind of sleep training, so it meant he does 50% of the wake ups. I told him you either do one or the other and he opted for the wake ups over the CC/gradual retreat etc.

I met someone who had 4dc and she said she divorced because of this and now at least she gets 3 nights sleep out of every 14 days, rather than doing every single night like she was when she was married. I'd explain that idea to him too if I were you.

He’s lazy. Simple as. He sees the nights as your responsibility.

If he won't go to the docs it's probably because he knows that his only affliction is being a lazy sod. I would be fuming if he woke the baby due to his sheer idleness and then left me to deal with it. What an absolute arsehole!

In addition to the possible medical causes for tiredness, he might be depressed. Have you noticed the tiredness being mentioned pre-DCs? How does he feel about his job? If sleep doesn’t refresh him at all, both depression and sleep apnoea could be underlying causes.

Was he having this issue before you had a baby OP?

Shame he won't go to the doctor but equally if the cause is medical I would lower your expectations. If the cause is medical it could be a whole host of things that are not quick fixes, ME, fibromyalgia, can take years to diagnose and there is no magic pill. Lots of medicines have fatigue as a side effect or make you feel rotten even if they 'solve' the original ailment. A trip to the GP might yield nothing, and doesn't mean he isn't unwell. It has just taken me 10+ years to get a diagnosis for a very serious, less common illness. Lost count of the no. of times I've been assumed to be 'lazy' . Because I'm 'too tired to move' and in horrendous pain etc. A lot of quite sad comments on here about a kick up the arse fixing it, he's just lazy, 'everyone's gets tired- if you all thing you're as 'tired' as a person with an illness you're mistaken. Amazing how OP's DP can be diagnosed and dismissed by the unqualified doctors of mumsnet.

It boils down ultimately to whether you believe him, if you're happy to go on like this or not.

I could not live with someone like that.

I'd start being "too tired" to cook his meals and do his laundry.

he might be depressed.

Oh, poor baby. I should think OP is the one likely to be depressed living with this lazy waste of space.

For info, I work 4 days (30 hours) and he works full time

No. He works part time - you work full time, from what you post.