DH is "too tired to move"

[bloodyDh]

DH has form for leaving nights to me. To be fair I breastfed both boys and am still breastfeeding the littlest. At 5am I had DS1 asleep on me after a feed, when DS3 started crying in his room. I asked DH to go to him but he replied "I'm too tired to move" and proceeded to shout DS3's name to get him to come in to us. This woke the baby. So I've been up since 5am. He's gone back to sleep.

DH is often "too tired" because he "doesn't get enough sleep" (he gets more than me as I do all night wakings) And he often has a "tiredness headache" which apparently doesn't hurt like a regular headache and I think just means he feels tired so he needs to lie down. Apparently I need to do controlled crying with the baby so we can all get more sleep but he won't actually help me with settling the baby while we do it because he'll be "too tired for work".

For info, I work 4 days (30 hours) and he works full time.

AIBU to think he needs to man up and share wake ups or go to the doctors to discuss his energy levels?

He’s a twat.

He sounds like a twat, but he should get himself checked out in the 1st instance. Does he snore?

My DP does and was always complaining of tiredness. One night I happened to be awake in the night and heard him stop and start breathing. I pushed him to go to the Doctors and he's just be diagnosed with sleep apnea which will need treatment.

How old are your kids, OP?

Well, I can see both sides of this tbh. As a pp said, different people have different sleep needs. Personally, I just could not get up in the night for crying babies and my DH did all the night feeds. I wasn't being lazy. I just really needed my sleep and couldn't do it, whereas he could and did.

When you say DS3, do you mean he's 3 years old? (Because your OP suggests 2 kids not 3.) Is it usual for him to wake, and does he really need to be gone to by anyone? If your DH feels it's not necessary to go to a crying 3yo it's obviously going to be harder to motivate himself to move.

I always recommend this book for getting babies and small children to sleep well. It worked for me and lots of friends and it might work for you: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B007KAVJ8A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

And yes, there is such a thing as a tiredness headache so YABvU about that.

"AIBU to think he needs to man up and share wake ups or go to the doctors to discuss his energy levels?"

I think the fact you're asking here means you're not being unreasonable.

It seems to me that every couple balances the work of running the household and bringing up the kids in different ways. So long as the couple themselves are broadly happy with the split, I don't think what the division actually is matters all that much. But you need to be broadly happy! If you're not, its a cause for concern.

The specific episode you mention: shouting DS3 such that DS1 wakes up, before going back to sleep himself, isn't acceptable IMO. Rule number one of small children is "never wake a sleeping baby"; and rule number one of life in general is "don't be a dick", and I think your partner failed on both there.

I think it's madness it's taken you until now to try and sort this, tbh. He's a lazy bastard, so stop bailing him out. And don't have anymore kids with him

I cannot even imagine.

You work AND do all the nighttime stuff? No doubt you do more than your share of chores as well?

Why are there so many arsehole men and how do they convince so many decent women to breed with them?

For fuck sake, why do some women come on the threads like this, full of excuses for an arseholes behaviour? It doesn’t matter if he’s depressed or needs more sleep - HE HAS CHILDREN. Why the fuck should OP do it all when he won’t even go to the doctors? What about how tired she might be, or if she’s depressed? Doesn’t matter does it because a man’s mental health comes first, clearly.

He’s fucking lazy. My DH has a chronic illness that’s leaves him with fatigue. He still deals with the 3 year old overnight because I deal with the breast feed baby.

@Thehop
typical MN response

Personally, I just could not get up in the night for crying babies and my DH did all the night feeds. I wasn't being lazy. I just really needed my sleep and couldn't do it, whereas he could and did.

And if he’d been ill, in hospital, away with work, left you? You’d hopefully have managed to drag yourself out of bed and tend to your child. So it wasn’t impossible. And you might be a bit lazy.

When we had a toddler and breastfed baby DP did the wakings with the toddler I sorted the baby. Even when I was on maternity leave and he was working full time.

I’d spill cold water on on him accidentally each time I have to wake up. He can change his pillowcase whilst you get the baby settled.

Something doesn’t feel like it’s sitting right with his health

Tell him he has no choice in going to the gp and to not do so means he doesn't care about his family.

My DH was like this - always tired we had young dds. It took me weeks of telling him that this wasn't normal- a fit healthy person should not feel constantly tired. Weeks I tell you of him saying that the Dr will just tell him to get more sleep and take more exercise. I put my foot down - as you must to do - and low and behold he had very underactive thyroid with no other real symptoms. Meds transformed him.

@chuttypicks how did you manage to get him to do all the feeds

@EagleVisionSquirrelWork
Personally, I just could not get up in the night for crying babies and my DH did all the night feeds. I wasn't being lazy. I just really needed my sleep and couldn't do it, whereas he could and did
Bullshit. Utter bullshit. If your husband had up and left, would you then have just left your babies to scream because you ‘couldn’t get up’?
OP, your husband, like so very many on here, is a lazy twat. You deserve much better.

@Cs03 I have carpal tunnel in my hands and a problem with nerve pain when I feed the baby in the bed, so my DP does the night feeds, though, tbh, he did a lot of the night feeds for our older DS as well as he finds it easier to fall back to sleep than I do. I'm just a very lucky woman I think!

I have a chronic fatigue condition. It means I am often too tired to move. However this comes on pretty randomly. Sometimes I can’t do the hard and unpleasant jobs but sometimes it means I can’t do the fun things. I’ve missed great days out and slept through holidays.

If your DH has a genuine medical issue then it won’t be restricted to being “unable” to do nightwakings or the crappy jobs.

He sounds like a lazy twunt to me!

Personally, I just could not get up in the night for crying babies and my DH did all the night feeds. I wasn't being lazy. I just really needed my sleep and couldn't do it, whereas he could and did

Lol. So what if he went away for the night or got flu?
They'd have to go hungry I guess because you need your sleep? good grief.

What if you said you were too tired to move? He’s a lazy arse.