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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s over

75 replies

TwinkleLittleBat · 10/02/2020 23:12

So after several months of trying to move on from husband cheating I’ve realised I can’t do it anymore. I can’t believe it but I ended it tonight. I thought it was the right thing to do, but seeing how hurt he was, and how upset I am, I’m devastated.
I expected to feel relief but I just feel loss. I want nothing more than to go back and tell him I take it all back.

OP posts:
TreadLightly3 · 10/02/2020 23:14

Bless you, that must be hellishly tough. Wishing you strength Flowers

Original poster
TwinkleLittleBat · 10/02/2020 23:17

Thank you. I really don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. Despite everything I do love him. It just hurts to be with him remembering what happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleLittleBat · 10/02/2020 23:20

Didn’t mean to enable voting!

OP posts:
TreadLightly3 · 10/02/2020 23:22

I assume you’ve tried counselling? I don’t have any advice to offer, sorry, but I think it’s natural to experience grief at a time like this and to want to stop the pain by trying to revert to how things were before you called it a day. Only you know in your heart of hearts what the right way forward is for you, and which route will make you happiest in the end. Good luck xx

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 10/02/2020 23:23

YANBU to feel it, but to come to this decision you must have thought long and hard, and it's not like you haven't tried to move past it. I couldn't do it, I know I'd never let it go, never trust him again and it would taint everything. So what if he's upset, he wasn't thinking about upsetting you when he was fucking someone else.

Original poster
TwinkleLittleBat · 10/02/2020 23:25

Yeah, well I have, he’s never entertained the idea of counselling.
I think more than anything it needs time.
I’ll never trust him again, we’ve had other issues as well, but I don’t think I’ll get over the love I have for him.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 10/02/2020 23:26

I don’t have any advice other than an absolutely massive unMumsnetty hug x

bank100 · 10/02/2020 23:26

You gave it months to see if you could move past what he had done. But it didn't work? I hope things get easier for you and you're able to find new happiness in the not too distant future. Must be a really difficult time.

Original poster
TwinkleLittleBat · 10/02/2020 23:29

Thank you x
Sometimes it worked, but the nagging was always there in my head.

OP posts:
TreadLightly3 · 10/02/2020 23:29

And maybe that’s ok, OP, even if you decide to move on. You never know in life all the ways you can be happy that you didn’t expect, despite what felt utterly devastating and insurmountably sad at the time x

TreadLightly3 · 10/02/2020 23:30

I was referring to you always loving him, btw.

Whyhaveidonethis · 10/02/2020 23:30

I know it's a cliché but it always gets worse before it gets better. I sat that as someone who is shite at endings and do anything to stay in them. Hugs. I hope you get the relief soon x

MyDressHasPockets · 10/02/2020 23:35

Rather than completely ending it how about having some time apart to work out what you want? A bit of space might help you decide.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 10/02/2020 23:46

so sorry you are feeling this depth of loss, OP. Sending Flowers and a hug.

Original poster
TwinkleLittleBat · 10/02/2020 23:56

I suggested space, But that didn’t go down well
At all

OP posts:
redastherose · 11/02/2020 00:03

He cheated on you.

He refused counselling.

This tells you everything you need to know about him as a person. He was still thinking more about himself than you.

Genuine question what do you love about him? He's a cheat and selfish and didn't care enough about you and your feelings to do whatever you needed to get past his behaviour.

Give it time and have some counselling for yourself, I bet that in 6 months time when you've had a chance to separate yourself from the relationship you will look back and wonder why you bothered trying at all and will see him for the selfish wanker that he is.

Original poster
TwinkleLittleBat · 11/02/2020 00:08

He just doesn’t believe counselling would do any good. Says he’s not a talker so what’s the point.
As for what I love about him, we did have good times. Especially before. But even since, we share the same interests, we have a laugh together and he can be the kindest person ever.
I thought he had stopped caring, but the look on his face tonight has made me wonder if it was all in my head.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 11/02/2020 00:43

Did he care when he was cheating? Was he kind when he cheated? OP, would you do this to him, would you ever cheat on him?
Sorry, but I agree with a pp, he's not even tried to help you both move past this massive obstacle, which btw, he bloody well put there. If he doesn't believe in counselling, then he basicallly doesn't believe that the cheating is the reason why you've made this decision tonight. Surely he could at the very least show that he wants to fight for your union and at the very least hear you out at a counselling session?

redastherose · 11/02/2020 01:04

Sorry but he didn't get someone else into bed by not talking to her! Saying he's not a talker and he doesn't think it will help is the ultimate cop out and a slap in the face to you. He doesn't want to go to counselling because he might have to accept responsibility for the hurt you feel and he doesn't want to really hear that. Also, the look on his face tells you nothing right now. I would guess that he never thought you'd leave him and he wouldn't have to think about losing his home life. That has suddenly become very real to him. That is most likely what has caused the look on his face. You suggested having space and he didn't like it, you suggested counselling and he didn't want to do it, he didn't think it would help What about you? Where is his concern for what you want/need?

If he cares, then ask him to leave, ask him to give you whatever space you need, ask him to arrange marriage counselling and if he engages with the counselling properly then and only then you'll see whether you can move past this. If he refuses any of that then the answer is he doesn't really care enough about you to bother.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2020 03:08

He won't entertain counselling, and he doesn't respect you enough to give you some space to work through your feelings. How nice for him that he gets to dump the entire burden of his cheating on you. This is not the behaviour or attitude of a person who actually has remorse over what they've done.

You are so much better off without him.

newnamenewme2020 · 11/02/2020 03:15

I don't know how old you are but well done on starting your new journey x

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/02/2020 03:49

He won’t consider counselling. He won’t give you space. As the one who had the affair he should be jumping through hoops to do whatever you feel would help you. The fact that he can’t be bothered says it all really. He wants to just get back to his normal comfortable life with no effort or discomfort on his part doesn’t he? Seems to me like you’re making the right decision. He doesn’t deserve you.

Original poster
TwinkleLittleBat · 11/02/2020 08:16

Thank you everyone for your support :) I feel slightly better after a decent nights sleep. Still feel guilt though

OP posts:
chuttypicks · 11/02/2020 09:14

You're worried about how hurt HE is??? He wasn't worried about how hurt you'd be when he was shagging someone else though, was he?? Sod him. Concentrate on yourself and allow yourself to be angry at what HE has done. You've done nothing wrong by ending it. This is all HIS doing.

All the best op. I hope you meet a decent man who treats you much better than your ex has.

TwentyViginti · 11/02/2020 09:53

Like a lot of cheats, he wants you to simply forget about his affair and carry on as normal. That makes him comfortable. The harm it will do you to live like this isn't on his radar.